I'm a celebrity (get me in there!!)

Yes folks - as you know ITV's jungle D-list celeb fest "I'm a celebrity..." is currently being rammed down our throats like a great, gorged sausage roll smothered in pork fat!!!! erm yes things have certainly took a turn for the worst in the jungle with dubiously politically opinionated tv fop Silksy already out of the camp and the sexy footballing wag Carly on her way it's time that the shows producers finally saw the light and airlifted ol' Sheepsy in there! Yes folks you may recall last year I was on the final shortlist of celebs to appear but had to withdraw at the eleventh hour due to Panto commitments but this year as a surprise late arrival I really think I could pull the show out of it's current slump.

With my firebrand wit, humorous anecdotes and ballroom dancing prowess I really think I'd be a valuable addition to the Australian jungle....I do know quite a few of the guys in there already which would help too, the zany Timmy Mallet took part in the early rounds of "Cut some Rug" but had to leave due to an ankle injury (not seen much evidence of any limb ailment in the jungle though Timmy you cushioned-malleted fooker!!) I also have some previous with the lovely Esther Rantzen as our paths often met at BBC televsion centre during the 70's and early 80's when she was presenting "Thats Life" and I was regularly guesting on "Come Dancing" - eeh what glorious days!!

I'd also call David Van Day a close friend too as I did some choerography work on a few early Dollar videos and also on one of their UK tours, I'll tell you something else too David doesn't half do a mean burger from his mobile takeaway van down in Brighton!!!

But seriously folks I really think I'd flourish in the outback, in my long distinguished career I've faced many awful, vile and downright hideous experiences so a few cockroaches, snakes and spiders would be like water off a ducks back to ol' twinkle toes. Why after you've shared a musty, damp chalet at Pontins with Burton Curle you can face anything!!! sorry Burty old lad but by the fook I think you'll agree with me that you reallty did have some unpleasantly foul personal hygiene habits back then son didn't you, ooh fook me not half!!!!

Who knows what will happen in the future but I'll be waiting by my phone for the call to come!!

In the meantime I'm working on my lastest project of which I'll reveal more just before Xmas but believe me folks it's a winner!!

Till next time take things easy and as Mater' used to say "Embrace the dance and all it's delights!!"

Cut Some Rug (RIP).......the end of a chuffin' era.

First things first folks heartfelt thanks for all your continued support and loyal viewing of the recently "axed" and criminally underated tv winner "Cut some rug!" - sorry for the delay in updating my blog but as you will know by now the scarlet silken, gilded curtain finally fell on the said ballroom blockbuster last Saturday. Reflecting solemnly last night with a glass of vintage sherry and a large "Harrods best" scotch egg I considerd myself privelleged nay fookin' blessed to be connected with what will surely in time be considered as one of 2008's true tv highlights!!

What can I say apart from that it's been a fantastic 8 weeks and we have witnessed some truly great ballroom dancing and general all round good old fashioned entertainment to boot, chiefly in the rather overweight shape of 70's alcoholic blue comic Burton Curle and his side splitting Carolina shag and also our eventual winner the semi-legendary Peter Purvess who beat the plucky former gymnast Suzanne Dando to the "Cut some rug" title at the weekend!!

Contrary to popular belief the show was NOT axed due to awful reviews and poor viewing figures (the suggestion that only 519 people watched Saturdays finale' is just plain evil and totally untrue) or that the huge success of the BBC's tawdry copy cat show "Strictly...." had a huge part to play in the downfall of what could have in time become a British tv institution, no folks at the end of the day all of us who have worked on the show have together shared something that will live in us all forever - from "Leisure" tv's chief executive Mike Saint, all the production crew, "Nesbitt media caterers" (especially for their wondrous pork and brisket mottled fulchers!) the researchers right down to the studio cleaning lady Bethel - yes we are blessed and honoured to have Cut some fookin' rug!!!

As you know the programme was due to run until just before Xmas but due to legal and top secret contractual reasons we had to fast track the show to it's momentous crescendo dance off on Saturday night, but things move on quickly folks and it's time for old Les to look to the future, I have already began work on my next project all of which will be revealed very, very soon!!

Xmas is on the horizon and this year I have foregone my annual panto stint to rest at home reflcting on what has been a very eventful year (in more ways than one!!)

In the meantime keep your spirits up folks and remember to watch those "Feet of fookin' flames!!!"

"Come some rug" goes LIVE!!!!

Well folks, what a weekend it's been - "Cut some Rug" finally went head to head with the beebs "Strictly come dancing" twaddle in a dance based battle to the death! and I'm confident that all at "Leisure TV" have played a collective blinder! we'll know in a few days time just how many people tuned into our amazingly glamorous debut show but the channels chief executive Mike Saint anticipate's the channels biggest viewing figures in it's entire 6 year history, so time will tell!

Sad news though for celebrity Tv paranormal crusader Denton Pentangle who found himself the first victim of the infamous "Cut some rug!" eviction as you the great British public opted to save cheeky blue northern comic Burton Curle instead!! old Burty just about did enough to keep himself in the show in my opinion indeed his "Carolina shag" with parter Monica Von Skeeten-Borgh was quite inspirational! and so he will be back next week for more dance based fun whilst sadly Denton will be confined to the great ballroom graveyard in the sky (erm metaphorically speaking of course folks.....)

But oh yes folks the show was a real delight from old Les and the still ravishingly beautiful Mavis Fekkit's wonderfully fragrant opening "Cha cha cha" routine right through to Su Pollards amusing and saucily salacious backstage titbits, we really couldn't have hoped for a better first show. Indeed relaxing in my palatial backstage dressing room after the show with my great showbiz pals Judith Chalmers, Bernie Clifton, Kendall Fontaine' and Stu "Ooh I could crush a grape" Francis we all concluded that the "Cut some rug" blueprint will truly take some stopping and with me old "Feet of Flames" Les at the helm the show has every chance of becoming a geniune Saturday nights TV ratings winner and quite possibly a British televisual institution!

Indeed over a richly bountiful backstage pork platter which included mini scotch eggs, Melton Mowbray porkington pie-slices, a smattering of balsamic vinegar pickled pigs trotters and many more pork based delights my old showbiz mucker Judith Chalmers and one time lover commented "Oohh Lesley I've never seen you so happy, if only Hinge could see you now darling!!" - which as you can guess started me right off, so much so that I rather drunkily and a tad hastily commandeered my loyal friend, agent and manager Maurice Shoteley to drive me straight up to Barrow in Furness there and then just so I could breath in the solemn, almost church like air of Maters's shrine back at my palatial 5 bedroom mini mock tudor mansion! after spending a few blissful hours in her replica room me and Maurice tended to Mater and Tobys graves on Sunday morning before hot footing it back down the M1 just in time for rehearsals for "Cut some Rug" on Sunday evening! eeh what a fookin' palaver and no mistake!!

I can't wait for next weeks show, it will be interesting to see if poor old Timmy Mallet recovers from his unfortunate twisted ankle injury sustained during his waltz to Spandau Ballets classic "True" and also to see if my old mate Burton Curle can once again rise like an overweight, persipring recovering alcholic phoenix from the flames to stay in the contest yet again - until Saturday folks dance on!!

Lets battle the Beeb all the way!!!

Yes folks my rallying, clarion call above says it all really - in a few weeks time we go head to head with the BBC in a ballroom dance based war of hellish almost apocalyptic proportions!! a tad dramtatic maybe but I believe that "Leisure" Tv's "Cut some Rug" has the potential and sheer star quality to slaughter the Beebs tawdry "Strictly come dancing" in the ratings war.....

With a list of high profile celebs lined up such as Blue Peter's Peter Purvess, Tv paranormal crusader Denton Pentangle, former ace gymnast Suzanne Dando, Wacky funster Timmy Mallet and recovering alcholic standup comic Burton Curle I believe the Great British public will switch on in their millions to be captivated by some truly great ballroom dance based entertainment.

It all kicks in 2 weeks time on Saturday nights at 7.30pm, so make sure you tune in folks - why not settle down on your favourite armchair perhaps with a nice rustic scotch egg or two and a large glass of port or maybe a pickled pigs trotter and a few glasses of malty brown ale will suit you better as you ease into the wondrous world of "Cut Some Rug!!!!!!!!!"

All the production team at "Leisure Tv" and everyone connected with the show in general are very excited about the barnstorming upcoming debut live show and as a huge treat and massive statement of intent we have managed to line up a truly great scoop for the first show.....yes my loyal companion, much beloved old dancing partner Mavis Fekkit and I will be opening the show with a sublime reconstruction of our infamous 1962 World championship winning "Cha cha cha" routine that delighted and stunned critics, judges and ballroom fans alike back in the day! Mavis has wisely seen sense regarding the ridicilous, barbaric and frankfully unsavoury legal injunction she had taken out against me 3 or 4 years back and has decided to look to the future with me her old dancing partner, former close friend and sometime lover back by her side....Eeeh I can hardly wait to once again after all these years "Cut Some fookin' Rug" with dear old Mavis! you really are a credit to Ballroom dancing Mavis and a fookin' right old proud beauty at that!

Mavis's husband the Barbados based multi millionaire tv impressario and businessman Lucifer Entwhistle has kindly agreed to financially back the show on condition that his dear wife Mavis steps into the breach to co-present the show in place of the lovingly bonkers Su Pollard. Sorry Su love but as you know thats' show business and as the game old trooper she is I'm sure she won't hold a grudge and will continue to be the consumate professional in her new drastically reduced role as back stage reporter and gossip monger amongst our Z list celebs!!!

I've been spending most of my spare time down in London recently as rehearsals have been feverishly taking place but "Leisure Tv" have kindly put me up in a sumptious listed country cottage just 40 minutes drive from the capital, as homeley as it is frankly I'm living out of my £1000 bespoke crocodile skin suitcase for now but fear not folks I have been making a regular weekly sabatical up to Barrow in Furness to check on Maters' grave (and Tobys too!!) and also to stock up on some fine pork based food items for my country larder such as some of the late much missed Selwyn Corbetts prime pork chops, his finest wild boar and sage sausages and a whole array of convenience snacks like his premium Mudchute farm pork pies, a few porky herby nudgers, the odd trotter or twelve and a few pigs heads thrown in for some severe stewing on the aga of my delightful country cottage!!

Eeeh isn't life grand!!?!?!?!?

See you soon people, and remember lets "Cut some rug!!!"

Lester

x

(Yet) Another journey back into the past.....

Greetings dear ballroom friends, sadly sales of my recent autobiography have fallen dramatically somewhat recently so in a truly shameful plug I offer this fascinating snippet from the said tome', now retailing at just £1.99 "it truly is a delight to the senses for all lovers of Les Sheepshanks, ballroom dancing, pork and life in general!" (Fettis Rinseed-Glove - The Barrow evening Herald)

Here we go with another fascinating glimpse from the annals of the Lester Sheepshanks treasure vaults - concentrating on my early ballroom dancing career - it's a chuffin' belter, enjoy!!

"Growing up on the rat infested back streets of Barrow in Furness were indeed a real, hard lesson in life and one which truly stood me in good stead for the huge successes, massive upheavals, terrible traumas and earth shattering tragedies which were to await me in later years. Life was hard back then, My wastrel Father Whitworth drank like a fish and beat us children regularly whilst Mater' worked like a graceful club footed, arthiritic shirehorse with a glass eye (but a proud one at that!)

Yes them was rotten days I say, life was especially difficult for me taking my first tentative steps in the heady world of competetive ballroom. Obviously I had a hell of a lot to live up too, it is no secret that dear old Mater was widely known as one of the Northern regions best ballroom dancers back in the 1930's and 40's, indeed her and her loyal partner the dashing and truly charming Gladstone Fishlathe' were regularly winners of some of the regions top competitions. Indeed there were several vicious rumours circulating that there was more to Mater' and Gladstones professional relationship than dancing but surely I would have known if there was as Mater' confided virtually everything in me - financial worries, fear of Father's brutal beatings, supper recipe' quandries even concern over her heavy and irregular monthlies!! yes our relationship truly was a fookin' special one and one which I miss even more now - god how I wish she was here...... back to dancing matters though - I couldn't possibly fully comprehend the full magnitude of the task involved in making dear old Mummy proud of me and my dancing career, but by eck Mater' I did it didn't I? yes I fookin' did you proud you old beauty you!!...

Even from an early age Mater' encouraged me with all of her heart and simply only wanted what was best for me and that obviously was to concentrate on my vastly promising ballroom career leaving schoolwork a sorry second, Father wanted me to follow him working in the towns tough shipyards but that was no place for a hugely talented, sensitive, pork loving dancing boy like me - no sir! Even then I knew I was different and that I was destined for truly monumental things, whilst the other boys were scrumping for apples or cheerily torturing stray cats or goading sickly pigeons in the back street I was pressing wild flowers and practising my dance moves at home - I was so advanced that I was even beating men twice my age in the working class clubs of Barrow in Furness in impromptu dancing contests at the age of fourteen!! eeh such good times!

But I really do owe most of my early success to precious Mater', after working a gruelling 14 hour shift at the local toilet factory Mater would leave for her early evening cleaning job down the bus depot before gracing the dance halls of Barrow with her club footed gazelle-like ballroom prowess. Not a lot of people know this but due to her agonising, and chronically severe gout Mater' won many of her contests wearing her loyal and trusty heavy size 10 orthopaedic dancing shoe! - pushing herself with sheer resolute dedication and a cast iron will to succeed through searing pain and agony. Mater what a proud, brave beauty you really were!!!!! Even back then though my father was insanely jealous of the unique loving bond that blossommed between dear sweet, silvery haired Mater and me, there is nothing shameful, unmanly or dubious about the true love between a Mother and her son, nothing at all folks - contrary to what simpering, lily livered fops like my arch nemesis and dance rival Austin Lockett would absurdly suggest in later years!!

I remember coming home from school one freezingingly cold Winters evening to find my drunken brute of a Father with his hands clasped tightly around Maters throat "You'll fookin ruin that boy Hinge" he hissed swigging from a bottle of brown ale. "Do you really want him to grow up as a queer, flower pressing, limp wristed ballroom dancing nancy boy!?!" he growled....Without a thought for my own safety I threw down my school satchel in fury and quickly slipped on my silken lilac dancing galsoshes and before you could say "Let's all Samba!" I had proceeded to distract Whitworth by executing a few rather fetching and imaginative dance moves on our threadbare living room rug....with the drunken old twot distracted Mater' bravely slipped from his clutches straight next door to seek help while I bravely took on the old bastid....Father may have beaten me to a sorry, blood soaked pulp and left me in Barrow infirmary for 3 weeks with a perforated lung, fractured jaw and four broken ribs but I learnt a valuable lesson that day and one which stood me in truly good stead to make me the man I am today!!! - a fookin' winner!!!

By the time of my 16th birthday I truly was the talk of the town and famous for my promising dancing skills, I lived, slept and breathed the joy of Ballroom dancing, and little else mattered to me really (except maybe for my blossoming love of pork and all it's fragrant wonders!!). In many ways I was growing far too big for the humble, broken town of Barrow and decided there and then to broaden my horizons as I packed my bag and headed off for the home of the famous tower ballroom and my true dancing Mecca.....fookin' BLACKPOOL!!!! oh yes!!"

Let's "Cut some Rug!!" (and nuzzle on some fine new pork based products!!)

How do ballroom comrades, as promised here I am back again to update you all on my appointment last week at the palatial £500 a night "Blossom meadow" private hospital, regarding a quick session on my annoying nauticals...thankfully things are fine folks, after a routine bout of staple Hemorrhoidectomy treatment I can now happily confirm that my badmintons are as right as rain. I even managed a few rounds of the foxtrot last night at my five bedroom mock tudor mini-mansion with my dear old former dance partner Florice Gussthorth!! Eeh it was chuffin' wonderful! I tell you I've still got it, I've still got it!!!

More good news arrived last week with the announcement that cable tv channel "Leisure" have confirmed that their highly anticipated new ballroom show "Cut some Rug" has been given the go ahead for a 10 week run to begin live broadcast in September! chuff' me I can hardly wait to get started!!! The basic premise of the show is that 10 brave, plucky celebs will try to take on the pro-dancers at their own game, yes in a scenario loosely connected to the BBC's "Strictly" fiasco I will be presenting the show alongside the lovely and very talented Su Pollard whilst a team of 3 expert former ballroom dancers - Reg Floss, the lovely Mrs.Preedy Cakebread and my old pal Lexington Crisp will be scoring our celebs gallant efforts!! Z-list stars already pencilled in include zany prankster Timmy Mallet, Blue Peter host and "conquerer" of Val Singleton the much loved Peter Purvess, former gymnastic star Suzanne Dando and alcoholic comic legend Burton Curle and they are all desperate to "Cut some Rug! I can tell you!!!" more news to follow!

I am very happy to confirm that "Corbetts" of Barrow in Furness the celebrated Pork Butchers have launched a brand new meat product onto the market this week. The "Uncle Les's battered pork boaster" is basically a fat, meaty slab of processed pork, ham and gristle enclosed in a luscious, golden crispy batter.....eeh I'm salivating just thinking about the porky fooker. Contrary to recent accusations in the local press the said product is in no way influenced by the famous Spam fritter and bare little or no resemblance to the said traditional processed pork treats, no they are a joint business effort between myself and the late great Selwynn Corbetts brother Cecil. We really expect them to take off in a big way and we are hoping to have a huge pork based hit on our hands!!! watch this space!!!

Hopefully in the next few weeks I will also be in a position to announce details of my next big dance/theatre "project", but until then Mum's the word, erm sorry make that Mater's the word! - the lovely, dear old sweet silvery haired old proud beauty!!

Until next time friends, take it easy!

Sun, sea, Judith Chalmers and my fiery chalfonts!!

Hola' everyone,

Yes I'm just recently back from an extended month long sabbatical in good old sunny Spain, yes folks I've spent 4 (mostly!) glorious sunshine, dance and pork filled weeks in my luxury 3 bedroom villa down on the Costa Del Sol! and what can I say readers but I'm refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to Rrrrrr-rhumba!

Not that I limited myself to just the world famous Rhumba whilst out in Espana', no indeed not - myself and my guests partook in all the disiciplines of that wondrous medium we call ballroom! and yes Mrs. Mortice Winbourne of Blackburn that does include the saucily named Carolina shag!!! but seriously folks I really did have a marvellous 4 weeks out there with my guests, loyal manager and agent Maurice Shoteley and his lovely wife Brenda, my old dancing pal Jervis Draycott and his wife Eunice (1965 Northern counties foxtrott champions) and my old showbiz mucker Judith Chalmers who dropped in for a few weeks whilst out there filming a segment for "Holidays for the old, infirm and incontinent" for cable tv station "Prime of your Life tv"!!!

Me and Judith go back many years but we are strictly good friends folks, the nearest I really ever got close to any kind of carnally related shennanigans with old perma tanned Judith was one night back in my luxury caravan in Bournemouth in 1986 when we both shared the same bed (and a cheeky pork nudger or two!) after a few sherries too many one evening, mind you one particularly hot night on holiday whilst getting ready to go out I "mistakenly walked in" on Judith to find her applying her infamous all over orange glowing fake tan and I tell you it was a sight that will live with me till the day I finally shuffle my last solemn foxtrot....Judith you really are a fookin' proud beauty!!

I must say also that I've enjoyed some first class scran out in Spain during the last few weeks, I know I lovely little bar/cafe' owned by a wonderful Blackpool couple Wilf and Val Kettlechip that I've been frequenting for the last 20 years, they really do serve up some top notch dishes including a mean steak and kidney pie and my personal favourite their famous or should I say INFAMOUS "All day breakfast bucket!" which is literally a large cardboard container much like the ones used in KFC outlets back in Blighty which is filled to the brim with a selection of pork sausages, bacon, fried eggs, chips, black pooooooding, fried tomatos, mushrooms, fried bread, a gammon steak and finally lashings of prime pork juice liberally drizzled over the top" - eeeh pork fookin' heaven!!!

As ever though the memory of Mater' was never far from my mind dear readers and on return to my luxury 5 bedroom mock Tudor mini mansion this week I was delighted by the work Barrow based interior designer Roger Paquette' has put into restoring Hinge's bedroom room once again....at a princely £10,000 it was cheap at half the price (cheers Rog son!) it is like she has never been away. Mater's bed, pink floral eiderdown and sheets are safely encased in a non perishable plastic coating, her size 10 orthapaedic dance shoe nestles lovingly on the sideboard, her token glass eye sits with dignity on the mantlepice and who could overlook her beloved ball gowns hanging serenley in the oak wardrobe? eeeh such fookin' memories! it really is a tasteful and respectful shrine to my dear Mater'!!!

But back to Spain folks, we really did have some top times down at Chez' Lesley. I'm afraid though I spent most nights alone in the master bedroom apart from the final lucky evening when after a nice meal and a few drinks down at "Keiths British Pub" on the main sea front I managed to snare the lovely Phylis from Cardiff. Suffice to say after a few more large sherries back at the villa I dutily treated the game Welsh girl to a truly majestic love-dance of her life, yes in more ways than one I took old Phylis to heaven and back, by the fook Les is back, yes I'm BACK!!!!!

The only low point of the month was my fookin' pesky chalfonts flaring up, yes my grapes were well and truly knackered!! lucklily I'd packed a few industrial size tubes of "Anusol" cream so help was at hand. Within hours and before you could say "Samba" the soothing lotion had shrunk my farmers whilst soothing the nagging itching and generally relieiving the pain and discomfort. Fear not though loyal dance fans I'm booked into the exclusive "Blossom meadow" private hospital in West Barrow for a full MOT of my itchy ceramics next Friday!

Until then I'll update and tell you how I get on, must dash as there's a couple of tasty looking "Corbetts prime Pork pies" in the fridge with my name on the pork fat and gristle filled fookers! see you soon and remember keep on dancing!!

Back on my feet.....

Good morning dance lovers, firstly I must thank you all for the heartfelt concern and kind words that you have conveyed to me in my time of need (see post below) - literally dozens of you have e-mailed me and sent cards and a special heartfelt thanks must go out to Mrs. Doreen Hewitt of Doncaster for her lovely homemade "12 Piece Pork Bonanza Pie" which arrived fresh via Parcel-Force yesterday afternoon.

Mrs.Hewitt assures me that this sumptious dish is her own take on the infamous "10 bird pie" that includes pigeon, spatch-cock, duck, turkey etc I believe, right on sandal wearers like game loving fop like Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall are waffling on about it quite a bit these days!! basically the crumbliest home made rustic pastry is encased around the twelve finest and most delectable forms of pork known to man. Starting up from the bottom of the pie you work your way up through prime woodchute farm sausage meat into delectable slices of finest gammon followed by some top notch bacon slithers smothered in maple syrup then you bathe' in some majestical pigs blood black pooooooooding before you seep into some beautiful honey roast ham from Norfolk before passing through a whole range of porky treasures until you reach the summit where upon an unfeasibly generous drizzle of pork fat/slurry is poured into the pie to create a gelatinous, moist fat mound of pork based heaven!!! Eeeh it's making me salivate just thinking about it now! chuffin ell served up last night with some crisp iceberg lettuce leaves and a few buuuuuuuutered Jersey Royals it was fookin' blissful!!!

All in all I have been astounded by the generosity and sheer devotion of the great British public, thanks everyone you proud fookin' beauties!!

You will be relieved to know that work has finally begun on returning Mater's shrine back into the celestial, beautiful haven it once was before that fookin' old scrote got her trotters into it.....work shall be finished in a few weeks time and I shall look forward to being able to spend many more reflective and solemn moments alone in there, just me, a few orthapedic shoes, her plastic covered bed spread and my dear memories of sweet Mater'.......

It fills me with huge sadness to report that "CHUFFIN' HELL, WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!" will not be returning to the nations theatres in any major capacity as hoped, as you may recall back in February the decision was made to embark on a weeks residency in Barrow in Furness before hopefully being picked up by one of the big London theatre impressarios and hopefully taking the West End by storm, sadly it was not to be and so with regret we will be staging a final gala one off performance at the Theare Royal in Barrow in July to mark the passing of this once potentially record breaking show! - Most of the original cast will be returning including Bernie Clifton, Ruth Madoc, cable tv paranormal crusader Denton Pentangle and also The Lester Sheepshanks dance troupe'....sadly Burton Curle' will not be able to make the show as he is currently undergoing treatment for severe alcoholic dependency in the Priory clinic in London, my best wishes go out to old Burty sending him warm greetings for a speedy recovery, when your back on your feet Burton son we'll have to meet up for a quick whisky (or seven!!) eh Burty, what do you say old son!?!?!? erm sorry er maybe not Burton sorry big lad........

Still life goes on and there are still many projects keeping old Les busy. I'm in negotiations to star as a judge and expert on Living Tv's new all star ballroom dance based show "Cut some rug!" and have also got my dance school in Barrow in Furness keeping me pretty busy along with a brilliant upcoming appearance on "Celebrity Master Chef" this summer so keep your eyes open for that one, until then I'm signing off with a cheery grin and wink, until next time keep on dancing folks!!!

P.s - I'll post in a few weeks time as I'm nipping off to my luxury villa on the Costa Del Sol this week with my dear old friend and manager Maurice Shoteley for a short, relaxing break, fookin' ell' I need it after the last few chuffin' weeks....hee hee!!

Forgive me Mater' for I have sinned....

Yes it's true my loyal friends, the title says it all - you may recall that back in March how I regaled you all with my seemingly innocent and joyful tales of the true love that I had finally found with sweet, florid Alma? well I can confirm that the old fookin' trout faced, gammy legged scrote was only a chuffin' goldigger!!! Aye intent on stealing old Twinkletoes heart (and more importantly cash!) for her own blessed, immoral gains!!

I must say that I did have my suspicions quite early on in our "relationship". For example whenever we dined out at one of my many favourite pork based carvery's I more often than not found myself footing the bill! now I'm no dinosaur readers and I know all about chivilary and honour and yes I'm not short of a few bob being the true Ballroom legend and all round dance impressario that I am but come on this is 1973, erm sorry 2008 and surely in this day of equal rights and womens lib the fairer sex should sometimes take the financial initiative as it were and put there hand in there purses!?? fook me backwards with one of my old synthetic dancing galoshes!!! secondly I happened to one day fatefully spy upon one of Alma's screwed up bank statements in my kitchen bin which showed a balance of just £9.08.....the old crow had told me she was very comfortably well off after her late husband Buxton had left her a cool £800,000 from the sale of his haulage firm 3 months previously! and finally I heard a sobering and gut-renching conversation a few weeks ago, one that rocked my world to the very fookin' core!!!

I awoke at about 11.45pm that fateful Tuesday evening and softly reached out to put my arm around old Alma for a quick caress (and maybe even a late-night love dance of our loins if I was very lucky!!) only to find that she wasn't there, "she's probably gone downstairs for a glass of water" I thought to myself or maybe to take one of her industrial strength painkillers if her gammy hoof was playing up again. Softly and lovingly I crept downstairs and loitered briefly in the hallway in order to surprise my dear, sweet love when suddenly I heard a whispering, hushed voice from the living room, it was only fookin' Alma talking on her new snazzy mobile phone (yes the one I'd chuffin' bought her only that week for £90.00!) - well the words I heard dear readers will haunt me to the day I die and finally am reunited with my beloved Mater'! I find it hard to relive and even think about that moment now but it turns out that she was only going to Marry me and get me to sign all my estate and modest wealth over to her, she had been plotting this foul, devious game of deception apparently with her alleged dead husband Buxton for over six months and had even instigated the very day we had met in the supermarket some months back, well fook me I was truly shattered and so after composing myself I swiftly pasa-dobled into the front room and after executing one of my infamous, legendary short-thrust, touch-toes pelvic quinnel moves I grabbed her by the arm and angrily flung her down crashing onto to my precious chaise lounge', after a desperatley half hearted plea by Alma that "it had all been some dreadful mistake" on my part and that she really, truly loved me the hardened old snatch only tried to imply that I was senile and had simply imagined the whole thing. Well I was chuffin' furious and so before you could say "Pasa-doble'" I threw her out the front door quickly followed by her suitcase and shoddy belongings!!!

I can't convey to you my true friends how low I feel at this moment in time, I feel even lower than I did back in the summer of 1964 after I finally lost my history making unbeaten streak of 34 victorious dance competitions. Yes you may recall that I was beaten by that camp, horsefooted simpering twot Austin Lockett in very suspicious circumstances indeed!! But getting back to Alma, I truly believed that she was the one loyal friends, as you may remember I had even redecorated Mater's shrine and had virtually wiped almost all trace of precious Hinge from my 5 bedroomed Barrow mock Tudor mansion for that woman, Maters' shrine is now gone, fook knows how much it will cost me to put it right again!! but it's not just about money folks it's about love, trust and faith and once again I have been decieved by a woman....This is precisely why I have never really let anyone into my life apart from sweet silvery haired Mater.

I'm so very sorry Mater' I know I have let you down greatly but if you can forgive me I promise on this day to honour and cherish your sacred memory until the day I perish and am reunited with you in heaven, me sat gingerly smiling with a large sweet sherry and a Corbetts "special range" luxury scotch egg and you tugging on your precious 1942 Wetherby-Foxwaite hunting pipe with an unfeasibly large pork pie in your hand!!!!!

It's just you and me from now on Mater', just you and fookin me yer proud beauty!!!

Needless to say my many loyal, devoted showbiz friends have been virtual towers of strength....Judith Chalmers has been in touch has as that old trooper and former lover of mine Angela Rippon, Roger De Courcy has also dropped me an e-mail or two and as ever ol' Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich sidekick have been rocks!!!

Celebrity Master Chef....what a fookin' palaver!

Well folks, firstly heartfelt apologies about the huge delay in updating my blog but as you'll find out soon enough I've been a bit busy of late and so my on-line journal has had to take second place to the myriad of aromatic pork/heart touching wonders and shenanigans going on in my life at the minute!! It's been a right chuffin' conundrum trying to keep this one to myself but fook it I have to tell you - you may have or not read in the press lately that popular BBC cooking show "Celebrity Masterchef" is returning to our screens soon and yes ol' Twinkletoes has been approached to take part!! I was a bit dubious at first when my agent Maurice Shoteley briefed me about the offer but any tv is good tv and also being a keen amateur cook I thought why not? I'll give it a whirl!

Firstly I have to confirm that my opinion of both judges on the show has definitley changed since my heat was filmed four weeks ago though, the shiny headed vegetable expert with the glasses seems a cheeky, cockney chappie on the tv but off screen he was a first class sh*tter to me I have to say, throughout the whole two days filming he rarely offered any of us much real constructive critisism, nay it was all fookin' digs and putdowns!!......the Torode rotter wasn't much better either and as you'll see when the series is aired the Ausie fooker royally slaughtered my truly innovative all-pork based menu!! anyway more of that later!

Upon arrival at Masterchef HQ I was informed by the young BBC production bint that I was cooking against Welsh hurdling journeyman Colin Jackson and 1980's synth pop star Howard Jones....well what a pair of twots and no mistake. I suppose to be fair Jackson has achieved quite a bit in his chosen sport and does do some valuable charity work I'm told but Jones really fookin' grated on me....he spent most of the two days boring all and sundry with tales of synth-pop trivia and endless boasts of his carnal conquests back in the day! - honestly you wouldn't find me publicly airing my loves and past partners via the spoken OR written word! fook off Jones and take your mental chains with you yer chuffin' idiot....sorry about that little rant there readers but it makes my blood boil I tell you.....in my day you had to earn celebrity status through sheer hard work and talent but not now......the likes of Gloria Hunniford, Angela Rippon, Royston "Titch" Tinders (1967 British Ballroom mens runner up), Bernie Clifton and Burton Curle etc would be turning in there collective graves now (if erm any of them were errr actually dead that is.

Anyway first up was the quick invention round where we had to design and cook a dish of our own choice from a selection of ingredients including tinned tomatoes, pasta, green peppers, salmon fillets, new potatoes, asparagus tips, broadbeans and some.....PORK MINCE!! yes I thought I'm safe - I soon got to work on a simple yet tasty starter of a sumptous, pan fried pork nudger on a bed of sauteted' new potatos with garlic and broadbeans smothered in the rendered pork fat from my old meaty nudger!....eeeh it was manna from pork-heaven I tell you.....sadly the judges weren't as enamoured as myself and so after a critical mauling ("lack of seasoning", "do you think a pork BURGER is good enough to progress in this competition really?", pork burger!?!?!? the cheeky rotters! anyway we were sent to a top London Italian restaraunt for the next round and thats when thing started to really hot up!

After donning our comical kitchen wear and amusing chef hats we were all assigned seperate dishes, Jackson was doing the starter of tomato, basil and mozarella tartlets whilst synth pop fooker Jones was assigned the dessert of traditional Tiramisu......whilst ol Les drew the short straw and was given the highly complicated task of ricotta raviloli in a herb and tomato based sauce....well fook I had to make the pasta fresh myself, stuff the fookin raviolis, skin the tomatos myself to make the sauce...fookin hell I thought, To make matters worse in the midst of afternoon service who sauntered in to the plush "Mantioni's" restaraunt of the West End but my old showbiz pal and mucker Nicholas Parsons!!! well I had to say hello it would be rude not to and so after a swift three sweet sherries and a nice wander down memory lane with old Parso' it was back to the pass for me and a quick b*llocking from the head chef Bruno!!! Eeh the chuffin' fooker!

Anyway after 2 hours of torrid service we all muddled through and then it was back to Masterchef HQ for the final round where we had to make a 3 course meal of our own design.......

For my menu I had chosen a bold starter of a pigs trotter pickled in balsamic vinegar, basil and worcester sauce on a bed of spinach with crispy bacon bits scattered around it, for my main I opted for an innovative and inventive pan Asian/British pork-fusion dish consisting of pigs kidneys, seasoned in flour and spices and carefully pan fried, served with egg noodles, sweet and sour vegetables and local Barrow reared black pudding slithers with a refreshing minty mushy pea and lime couli...eeeh it was a fookin' delight to my tastebuds! I tell you Heston Blumental would have been proud of old Lesley!!

And finally for my dessert I went all out for a highly experimental dish of a gammon and pineapple infused jelly with a handmade vanilla ice cream and thin maple syruped bacon wafers, well what can I say the fookers hated it, as I stated earlier Greg described it as a "culinary abomination!" and at one point had to stop filming to retch into a nearby bin whilst the Aussie feller described it as "truly a bizzare and obscene mish mash of flavours and styles, an insult to goodtaste and cooking!!" well needless to say I didn't go through to the next round as Colin Jackson clinced it with his safe traditional Welsh menu.....but I had a good few days of fun at the BBC's expense and I'd like to say a made some new friends on the way but I fookin' didn't.

Anyway before you could say "pasa doble" I had foxtrotted my way out of the back door and straight back to my four star hotel to meet up with Alma, after a quick shower us two old lovers of the dance world began making sensual based love on the floor of our sumptious hotel room, although at one point poor old Alma's gammy leg began to seize up with acute excruciating, raging pins and needles but after a few sweet sherries and a rubdown from old Lesley we resumed our intense dance of love before I treated Alma to a top notch roast pork dinner at a fine carvery in London's west end!! all in all it was a good three days in the capital!

Until next time, farewell!!

The Sacred Splendor of True Love.....

Alma and myself last week recreating our fateful first meeting by the checkout in Sainsburys for all you good, good people!! (Below)



Eeeeh, chuffin' fook....!! firstly folks sorry for not posting for a while but I've been snowed under, things have been really good in "Lesley-land" this past month, the new musical/dance extravaganza is finally going swimmingly well, my "accidental" tax evasion shennanigans seem to be resolved and yes personally things finally seem to be looking up for ol' twinkle toes also, for dear readers I hope not to tempt fate but I think I have found love.......YES the age old gift of romance, hearts and flowers and joy seems to be fluttering in old Sheepsy's heart once again! I won't go into too much detail but I literally "bumped" into Alma a few weeks ago as she was limping at the check out section of my local Sainsburys....... I knew instantly that we had much in common, for nestling in her rusty metal shopping basket were two luscious pork chops, a gammon steak, a packet of bacon, some prime pork and apple sausages and a fine pork joint!!! eeh fookin' chuff I thought to myself as I clicked my heels and danced a nimble little rhumba move to announce my arrival in Almas life! it also later turned out that she was only a lover of the medium of ballroom to boot, I thought all my christmases had come at once!

I'm pretty sure that Alma won't mind me being so candid and frank with you my loyal fans but well we got talking and after a large tea and a cheese and ham toastie in my local cafe' things began to really simmer and before you could say "chuffin' fook" we were back at my palatial 5 bedroom mock tudor mini mansion, romping and cavorting on the pristine plastic covered bed in Mater's shrine....I'll never forget the euphoric emotions and sheer joy I felt as I gifted the sprightly 76 year old Alma with all my lifetimes wisdom of dance based sexual prowess and vigour, and I'd like to think that she would enjoy the memory for a long time too. Excuse my coarseness readers but I can't help myself, I'm in love - it's the real fookin' thing I tell you!!!

You may also be surprised by the location of our sacred love making, as Mater's shrine has been a place of solemn reflection for me for many a year but I tell you as soon as I saw Alma limping by the cash register I knew there and then that she was the proud beauty who could finally help me to lay the memory of Mater' to rest, I've lived in the past for far too long, spending my time wrestling with the glorious ghost of Mater' I have to move on and yes certainly I must keep the sacred memory of Mater in my heart but I have to start living again, for the sake of my own chuffin' sanity if nothing else. Well within a week of our whirlwind courtship I had ripped out all memory of Hinge from that cold, morgue of a bedroom and have converted it into a boys game's room complete with a billiard table, a fridge stocked with a large consignment of vintage sherry, a few bottles of brown ale and some tasty pork based bar snacks such as sausage rolls, scotch eggs and some of the legendary "Corbetts porky herby pork pies", a juke box, a few vintage one armed bandits, a domino table and a wonderful authentic 1967 "shove ha'penny board!!! eeh it's fookin' smashin' a chuffin' belter.......suffice to say I couldn't escape from the hazy memories of Hinge completely so all her precious belongings and trinkets are divided between my loft at home and a big imposing, soulless cold storage room down at "Easy-Storage!" in Barrow!!!

Anyway as I say I feel on top of the world, it's like something from my one of my dear old friend and romantic novelist Kendall Fontaine's lovely books and I'm pretty sure that old Mater will be looking down on me from heaven, tugging on her pipe as she enjoys a scotch egg or two resplendent in a shimmering ballgown with her silvery lard encrusted hair thinking "eeh fookin' hell Les son, good on yer!!!! I forgive you lad!"

The only low point of the last month has been that my pesky agonising gout has really flared up so I have been forced to use a walking stick for the last few weeks, not good I tell you but ol' Les will be back gliding and skipping before you can say "Rhumba"!!!

I'll never forget Mater' readers but I'm not a young man anymore and in Alma I've found a real proud beauty..........so till next time keep on pasa-dobling and keep your dancing trotters twitching!

Eeeh such sweet fookin' memories!!

Whilst sifting through one of my dusty old scrapbooks just now I stumbled across this press release from the "Barrow in Furness Evening News" dated June the 17th 1985 and just HAD to share it with you my loyal fans.....

"Maurice Shoteley enterprises presents in conjunction with Corbetts master butchers of Barrow:-

"LESTER SHEEPSHANKS in CAP'N LESTER AND HIS BARNACLED SHEEPY SHANKS!"

An extravaganza of music, cabaret and dance for all the family,

Starring Lester Sheepshanks, Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich, Bernie Nolan, Gary Wilmott, the Brian Rogers dancers and a full supporting cast!!!

Ballroom maestro Lester Sheepshanks is Cap'n Lester, a sea-faring friendly sea-dog with a cheeky glint in his eye and the proud custodian of the good ship Hinge', with his crew of loveable pirate rogues including Bernie Clifton as Jim the cabin boy and his pet ostrich Oswald they are on a mission to bring peace, harmony and ballroom dancing to the seas...!!!

With nearly 90 minutes of whip-cracking humour and dance fun this wacky show is a must for all the family and is sure to open to packed house's so get your tickets now....!!!"

Such sweet fookin' memories!! - what a chuffin' show that was!!!!

Regrets, fate, tax evasion and Zhu Za tang (Pigs organ soup!)

How do folks, well what can I say? it's been a few fookin' awful couple of weeks for me and make no mistake...you may have already read in the national and local press that things have not been going too well for the impending production of "CHUFFIN' HELL, WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!"

I can now unfortunately confirm that the vicious rumours and twisted stories are sadly true, yes we have had to pull the plug on our original grand plan of taking the show around the rundown backstreet theatres of the country before hitting the West End, which is a fookin' disaster in itself as I know a beltin' little pork carvery establishment just off Shaftesbury Avenue!! believe me they do a top pork loin roast served with buuuter glazed pan fried asparagus, sauted' potatoes and green beans - but never mind instead we will be doing a week long residency at the Theatre Royal in Barrow in Furness and hopefully things will develop from there. At the end of the day it all came down to that old fookin' evil money...and chuffin' lack of it, no one is to blame really but it turns out that my accountant Mr.Lipton Yeast-Smythe had not been depositing my tax contrubutions for the last 12 months causing a few slight financial problems so now it seems that old Lesley is at the mercy of the tax-man, the fookin' bastid!!! as I was funding 85% of the production from my own wallet then obviously a problem has arisen. I'll see that old twot Yeast-Smythe goes down for this the old fooker!!!! needless to say this is a worrying and stressful time for me but my legal brief Mr.Uttoxeter Arbroath assures me that this little oversight can be rectified in time and hopefully I won't end up doing time and even worse lose my beloved and cherished 5 bedroom mock tudor mini-mansion that I adore so much, chuffin' ell -what a palaver'!

Anyway massive financial worries aside the show will go on and who knows after a successful week in Barrow in Furness maybe Bill Kenwright or old Lloyd-Webber himself may step in and save the day, stranger things have happened at sea and I did after all give private Cha cha cha lesson's to Bill's wife back in the late 70's so who can tell - if your reading this son then go on you owe me one big lad!!

Sitting on my £1,500 bespoke chaise-lounge yesterday evening I began to ponder over that fateful old conundrum fate......what might have happened if things had been different. If I had only met my 1st wife Glenda a few years earlier then who knows? there may be a few young Lester Juniors gracing the ballrooms of Brtitain today. If Mater hadn't have been taken away from me so brutally then she too may be here in my 5 bedroom mini-mansion sharing my massive ballroom success, innocent joy and the intense love of pork that I enjoy today.

As I lay there stretched out balancing a piping hot bowl of Pigs organ soup on my lap (you must try this sumptious and delicious broth, I first came across it back in 1985 on one of Selwyn Corbetts annual jollies out to Thailand to find himself a young Thai "Boy" Bride - the frisky, twisted chuffer!! - as you kow I'm a man of the world and as broadminded and liberal as they come but I'm not sure about the old Bangkok lady boys.....? look like a girl, but a bit manly too? oooh it's not fookin' for me I tell you! - anyway back to the pigs organ soup, it is basically the finest pig intestines, hog's blood, tender pork slices, strips of salted vegetables and some Chinese lettuce lightly simmered with some sliced red chilli in dark soy sauce....eeeh it's fookin' heaven I tell you. As I said earlier we discovered it in some cockroach infested back street market whilst good ol' Selwyn was trawling the streets of Bangkok to find himself a nice young lady boy!!) anyway I digress - but the union of regret and fate certainly is a fickle fookin' conundrum!?!!?!?? - as I sat lieing there watching a repeat of my 1967 British championship pairs win from Blackpool I really did consider that age old puzzle of fookin' fate and regret!! but it's very late now and ol' twinkle toes must get his head down for some shut eye, till the next time dance fans!!!

The King of Comedy? - Arise Bernie Clifton!!!

Yes it's official, you the great British public have decided that good old Bernie is the nations number 1 of comedy, good on you - with his hilarious ostrich sidekick Oswald, Bernie Clifton has been making people laugh for decades, from royal variety performances to opening village fetes old Bernie has seen it all! from panel guest on "Blankety blank" to his own Carpet ad on Granada Tv......Bernie son we salute yer!!!!


After being informed of this prestigious accolade Bernie last night said "Eeeh, really?!?! chuffin' hell - what a treat, what an honour!! I'm proud to serve this great nation of ours as king of comedy...thanks a million folks!!"


A massive 42% of you decreed that Bernie deserved this special accolade, the unlucky runner ups were Roger De Courcy, Duncan Norvelle, Eddie Large and the vastly talented Bobby Davro!!

The show must go on...!!

(Inset) Burton Curle






Hi there Rhumba fans,

Well how things can change in a week, this time last week we were just starting initial rehearsals for my latest production "CHUFFIN' HELL WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!" and now a week later and the whole show seems to be in disarray! but no sir, not if old Les has anything to do with it! - If you can remember last Monday poor old Roger De Courcy rather comically fell from the stage and sustained a badly sprained ankle, initially we believed the hilarious,happless ventriliquist would be back on his feet in a few days but we have learned that old Roger will now be laid up for at least 2 months, leaving me with no choice but to appoint a replacement, the show must go on!!

After several intense hours of discussions and debate with agent Maurice Shoteley and co-producer Roger Cutlet we finally decided to pull out all the stops to ensure the success of the show. It was decided that money was no object and so after much deliberation we whittled it down to a shortlist of hugely talented candidates, but who?? the role of the "ghost of Dixon Wimpole" is highly central to the plot so we went for only the best!! the final 3 on our list were:- the impressive ventriliquist Keith Harris (and Orville) who seemed ideal for the part, sadly Keith is terribly busy at the moment and is fully booked up with work till next summer, which left us with the witty, camp entertainer Duncan Norvelle and the vastly underated stand up comic Burton Curle! - in the end disscussions with Duncan broke down due to "niggling contractual and financial issues" so in the end we decided to give the job to the quickwitted, course Northern comedian Burton Curle!!

Admittedly some eyebrows were raised when old Burty was offered the role but I truly believe that this is a once in a lifetime chance for him to reinvent himself and indeed resurrect his career, it could be old Burton's final chance of comedic redemption and being a fine stand up comic he has all the skills required to make the part his own. Remember cheeky cockney comic Mike Reid and his life changing switch to serious straight, acting as Frank Butcher in "Eastenders"?! No-one gave him a chance did they? - but old Mike did it.....well I believe that Burton can do the same, if he can rein in his maverick comic approach we'll be onto a winner, he may struggle a bit initially with the slick dance moves but I'm determined to convert my old friend into a fleetfooted, gliding, graceful peformer! if anyone can do it then ol' Sheepsy can!!!!!

So with Burton stepping into the breach rehearsals resumed in earnest. With Bernie Clifton excelling in the lead role of Dr.Branston Wimpole and Ruth Madoc delighting cast members and crew alike as Branstons mother "Myrtle" things were back on track again! the dancers were wonderful, the songs were sounding fantastic, the humour and jokes were flowing and I realised there and then that we just might have a potential west end smash-hit on our hands - I'm happy to report that rehearsals are still going really well and can confirm that we are due to open at the Theatre Royal in Batley on March 18th followed by nights at Skegness, Blackpool, Morecambe, Barrow and a host of other fine provincial towns (check press for details) thats right folks, put a note in your diary and warm up your dancing trotters because the show of the year is coming your fookin' way! watch out Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber!!!!!

I have a gut feeling that this production could be the making of myself and the cast, the choreography is looking superb if I do say so myself, Roger Cutlet has written some truly fine songs like "Oh no Pater has gout!", "The ballad of Branston and Rita", and the rip roaring, show stopping finale' "Eeeeh what a palaver!!!". The biggest surprise for me though has been Burton Curles proffesional transformation. Like a perspiring overweight, recovering alcoholic phoenix rising from the flames old Burty has gone from stand in warm up man at the World Darts championship at the Lakeside to potential West end success!! god bless you son Burton - your a chuffin' trooper and a credit to light entertainment!!!

Till next time folks, keep dancing!

Lesley x

Britains true King of Comedy!?

What a question eh? chuffin' fook! - during over 50 years in showbiz I must have worked with them all....yes all the chuffin comedy greats. From Sid Little to to the Chuckle brothers I must have shared stages with the lot of em', but as the cryptic question asks - who really is the true British king of comedy!!?!?

Where would we be without the delightful joy of laughter? well as I have been blessed with the true gift of having truly amazing gifted dancing trotters I'd probably be ok but for you my loyal fans tell me just who is the world leader pretend of comic japery!!!

See the bottom of the page to select your choice!

Happy voting!

Temperamental stars and a heavenly pork utopia...

Morning purveyours of dance,

Been pretty busy all this week, rehearsals for "CHUFFIN' HELL WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!" began in earnest on Monday morning and as ever in most new productions there has been some slight teething problems and clashes of ego's. But to be honest if you dare to put such huge multi faceted talent like Bernie Clifton, Ruth Madoc and Roger De Courcy in the same room as one and other you are bound to have friction and some fall outs.

Things began brightly enough as my old mate and leading man Bernie Clifton arrived bright and breezy at 10.00am Monday morning at the compact "Arthur Fadgewick" theatre in downtown Barrow. But after a quick coffee and chat with old Clifton, Welsh "Hi-de-hi" legend Ruth Madoc strolled in and began to make some extraordinary showbiz demands. Astonishingly she requested a private flower festooned dressing room, a DVD player with the complete "Hi-de-hi" box set, and a steady supply of Earl Grey tea and finest Scottish buuuuuuter shortbread!! Now don't get me wrong Madoc is a damn fine actress and a veteran of stage and small screen but I'm putting on a deeply artistic and sometimes moving production and I want my cast to be commited, focused, passionate and dedicated wholly to the cause of dance and song, there are no place for ego's in such a proud production as "CHUFFIN' HELL WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!"

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse Roger De Courcy bounced in with his cheeky sidekick Nookie on his arm and things instantly went from bad to worse. Unknown to me Bernie Clifton and De Courcy had harboured a long standing showbiz grudge from 1982 when both appeared on the "Little and Large show", it transpired that De Courcy was jealous of the superior backstage treatment being given to Clifton which led to a full on fist fight in the BBC canteen - I never knew of this startling saga and hold my agent and booking manager Maurice Shoteley totally responsible for this apalling oversight. It turns out that the two comedy greats haven't spoken since!!! Fookin' ell I thought as I nervously smoothed things over between the two giants of comedy, with the help of a large pot of strong suuuugary tea and an unfeasibly large plate of assorted pork related treats (Corbetts prime sausage rolls, some thick shards of top quality black pooooding, a pile of finest Mudchute farm ham and picalilli sandwiches and a few pigs trotters) the frostiness began to thaw and within half an hour the two were getting on like a house on fire and reminiscing about the fookin' "good old days!"

Breathing a sigh of relief I quickly won Ruth Madoc around with some flaccid, wilting flowers and a pack of cheap stale shortbread from the nearby garage and hastily got to work with my talented cast!!! With cable tv paranormal crusader Denton Pentangle arriving two hours late things soon got back on track and we began to learn the complex initial dance and song routines.

I had decided to embrace the whole gamut of dance emotions into this ambitious stage show and so had dug deep into my huge knowledge of fleet footery to assemble a diverse array of mediums including the quickstep, the rumba, the cha cha cha, modern jive and the Carolina shag!!! - Obviously Bernie and co are not natural dancers but I was determined to lick them into shape, if Anton Du Beke can make the leaden hooved Kate Garraway look half decent than surely ol Les can do the same with the eager Roger De Courcy!!!

After some problems the cast eventually settled into some of the more basic, limited steps as I finally decided that my Lester Sheepshanks dance troupe' should be able to deflect some attention away and compensate for the main stars heavy footedness......things were looking good but as ever trouble was lurking around the corner. Just after lunch Roger De Courcy slipped off the edge of the stage and fell with a horrifying thud on the floor, after a few hours in Barrow infirmary casualty department old Roger went home to rest his badly sprained ankle and so I stepped in to cover his part for the rest of the day, after a quick warm down we all said our farewells and left for home, feeling a bit peckish on the way back to my palatial mock tudor mini mansion I instructed Maurice Shoteley to stop off at the "Golden Plaice" chippy on Peterfinch Street for a nice supper. After some deliberation Maurice opted for five bumper cod fillets, a large tray of chips and muuuuushy peas whilst I opted for chips, two large battered sausages and a large polystyrene container of curry sauce.....eeeeh fookin' heavenly, the marriage of that good old British staple - curry sauce and the mechanically recovered crispy pork sausaaaaages was chuffin' majestic!!!!

I'll update again soon!!!

Lester's musical and dance extravaganza to tour!

It gives me great pleasure to announce that after months of top secret discussions and talks a brand new "Lester Sheepshanks company" production will commence touring in March 2008....

"CHUFFIN' HELL WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!" is a new musical/dance extravaganza co-written by myself and Barrow based impressario Roger Cutlet. Dr.Branston Wimpole (played by the talented Bernie Clifton!) is a harmless, eccentric scientist whose only ambition in life is to find a cure for gout!! Ever since his dear, late father Dixon perished 20 years earlier due to "metabolic arthiritis" complications old Branston has vowed to save mankind and devise an antidote!!

With the help of his hilarious ostrich sidekick Oswald, our hero Branston sets out on a high octane, riotous music and dance based journey of love, happiness and ultimately heartache!

With a full supporting cast including the fantastic Lester Sheepshanks dance troupe', Roger De Courcy (as the hilarious ghost of Branstons late father!!) cable T.v. illusionist Denton Pentangle and "Hi-de-hi's" Ruth Madoc this wondrous, delightful musical production will delight all followers of dance in general, old and young alike!!

Rehearsals are due to begin next week before we take the show to the provincial towns of Britiain, so keep your ears and eyes open for ticket details.

I'll update again soon with snippets and revealing and hopefully hilarious chuffin' insights on how rehearsals are shaping up.....till then - look after yerselves!!

Belated Xmas wishes....hope you had a belter!

Seasons greetings ballroom friends,

How was your Xmas? I hope you had a belter! - I have to say mine was a mixed bag of emotions. This time of year is always a difficult period for me what with the huge, black shadow of loneliness cast over me caused by dear old Hinge Sheepshanks no longer being around but as ever I bravely soldiered on like the proud, ballroom luminary old Mater would want me to be.

As you can recall due to my crippling gout affliction I had to cancel my appearance in Panto this year but I will be back stronger and refreshed next year - "oh no you won't - oh yes I will be you chuffin' fookers!!!!" tee hee hee.....

As usual I spent Xmas eve alone in my 5 bedroom luxury mini-mansion in Barrow, with just my memories as company. When Mater was alive we would usually spend xmas eve at home decorating the tree and wrapping the presents and generally preparing for the big day. As a pork affecionado I would usually forego the traditional festive turkey for a top quality 4kg roast pork loin complete with crackling and all the trimmings - crispy roasties, pork fat and buuuuuuuuter glazed baby carrots, yorkshire puuuuuuuuuudings, brussels, huge glorious piles of steamed cabbage, sausages wrapped in prime pork luncheon meat and the most sumptious pork based gravy you have ever tasted! eeh they were fookin' blissful times I tell you.

This year as ever I placed a gift for Mater' under the tree, I know it's silly but it's tradition now and it helps me to keep her memory alive, Bernie Clifton called around in the evening for a few sherries and to drop off a present for me which was very kind of him (thankfully he lift his hilarious pesky fookin' ostrich sidekick Oswald in the the car!!!) - after Bernie left I morbidly skulked around in Maters' shrine for a few hours before retiring to bed around midnight.

Xmas day and I awoke around 8.30am to be awaken by my reliable Morphy Richards teasmaid jetting a scolding hot plume of water all over my left trotter....FOOK! after slipping into my favourite dressing gown and Harrods tartan carpet slippers I glided downstairs and rhumba'd my way into the living room to be greeted by a huge blanket of gifts all for ol' Sheepsy. Firstly thanks to all my fans who kindly sent gifts to me, literally dozens of you sent presents but unfortunately I simply could not cope with the sheer capacity of festive offerings and so have given some of them to FOPS (Federation of poorly red setters) where they will be raffled to raise funds for the sickly little lads and lady setters!! Special thanks to Mrs. Bethel Mange' of Leicester for your wonderful gadget......the handy mini kitchen scraper you sent me is ideal for removing tightly packed marrow from small and tricky yet tasty pork bones!

After a delicious simple and light breakfast of 4 crispy pork and sage sausages, 2 duck eggs and a few shards of blackk pooooooding Maurice Shoteley picked me up around 11.00am and drove me to Barrow cemetry to pay my yuletide respects at Mater's shrine where I also shared a private moment with my old companion Toby Sheepshanks....

On arrival at the Shoteley household I accepted a sherry from Maurices lovely wife Brenda before an adequate xmas dinner of roast turkey and all the trimmings, as I've said often before pork and only pork is my chosen form of meat and so was not happy about the prospect of being forced to eat an old bird but credit where it's due old Brenda didn't let me down and it was quite a decent attempt from the game girl!!!

After a few large sherries, a couple of games of charades and our beloved Queens speech I said my farewells to the kind Shoteleys and caught a cab back to my 5 bedroom mini mansion, the rest of the day was a blurred sherry induced haze and I awoke around 9.00pm sat in front of the tv with an unfeasibly large glass of sherry by my side and a huge half eaten pork pie nestling in my lap.....hee hee what a fookin' palaver!!

Happy Xmas!!!!