Seasons greetings ballroom friends,
How was your Xmas? I hope you had a belter! - I have to say mine was a mixed bag of emotions. This time of year is always a difficult period for me what with the huge, black shadow of loneliness cast over me caused by dear old Hinge Sheepshanks no longer being around but as ever I bravely soldiered on like the proud, ballroom luminary old Mater would want me to be.
As you can recall due to my crippling gout affliction I had to cancel my appearance in Panto this year but I will be back stronger and refreshed next year - "oh no you won't - oh yes I will be you chuffin' fookers!!!!" tee hee hee.....
As usual I spent Xmas eve alone in my 5 bedroom luxury mini-mansion in Barrow, with just my memories as company. When Mater was alive we would usually spend xmas eve at home decorating the tree and wrapping the presents and generally preparing for the big day. As a pork affecionado I would usually forego the traditional festive turkey for a top quality 4kg roast pork loin complete with crackling and all the trimmings - crispy roasties, pork fat and buuuuuuuuter glazed baby carrots, yorkshire puuuuuuuuuudings, brussels, huge glorious piles of steamed cabbage, sausages wrapped in prime pork luncheon meat and the most sumptious pork based gravy you have ever tasted! eeh they were fookin' blissful times I tell you.
This year as ever I placed a gift for Mater' under the tree, I know it's silly but it's tradition now and it helps me to keep her memory alive, Bernie Clifton called around in the evening for a few sherries and to drop off a present for me which was very kind of him (thankfully he lift his hilarious pesky fookin' ostrich sidekick Oswald in the the car!!!) - after Bernie left I morbidly skulked around in Maters' shrine for a few hours before retiring to bed around midnight.
Xmas day and I awoke around 8.30am to be awaken by my reliable Morphy Richards teasmaid jetting a scolding hot plume of water all over my left trotter....FOOK! after slipping into my favourite dressing gown and Harrods tartan carpet slippers I glided downstairs and rhumba'd my way into the living room to be greeted by a huge blanket of gifts all for ol' Sheepsy. Firstly thanks to all my fans who kindly sent gifts to me, literally dozens of you sent presents but unfortunately I simply could not cope with the sheer capacity of festive offerings and so have given some of them to FOPS (Federation of poorly red setters) where they will be raffled to raise funds for the sickly little lads and lady setters!! Special thanks to Mrs. Bethel Mange' of Leicester for your wonderful gadget......the handy mini kitchen scraper you sent me is ideal for removing tightly packed marrow from small and tricky yet tasty pork bones!
After a delicious simple and light breakfast of 4 crispy pork and sage sausages, 2 duck eggs and a few shards of blackk pooooooding Maurice Shoteley picked me up around 11.00am and drove me to Barrow cemetry to pay my yuletide respects at Mater's shrine where I also shared a private moment with my old companion Toby Sheepshanks....
On arrival at the Shoteley household I accepted a sherry from Maurices lovely wife Brenda before an adequate xmas dinner of roast turkey and all the trimmings, as I've said often before pork and only pork is my chosen form of meat and so was not happy about the prospect of being forced to eat an old bird but credit where it's due old Brenda didn't let me down and it was quite a decent attempt from the game girl!!!
After a few large sherries, a couple of games of charades and our beloved Queens speech I said my farewells to the kind Shoteleys and caught a cab back to my 5 bedroom mini mansion, the rest of the day was a blurred sherry induced haze and I awoke around 9.00pm sat in front of the tv with an unfeasibly large glass of sherry by my side and a huge half eaten pork pie nestling in my lap.....hee hee what a fookin' palaver!!
Happy Xmas!!!!
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