Well folks, firstly heartfelt apologies about the huge delay in updating my blog but as you'll find out soon enough I've been a bit busy of late and so my on-line journal has had to take second place to the myriad of aromatic pork/heart touching wonders and shenanigans going on in my life at the minute!! It's been a right chuffin' conundrum trying to keep this one to myself but fook it I have to tell you - you may have or not read in the press lately that popular BBC cooking show "Celebrity Masterchef" is returning to our screens soon and yes ol' Twinkletoes has been approached to take part!! I was a bit dubious at first when my agent Maurice Shoteley briefed me about the offer but any tv is good tv and also being a keen amateur cook I thought why not? I'll give it a whirl!
Firstly I have to confirm that my opinion of both judges on the show has definitley changed since my heat was filmed four weeks ago though, the shiny headed vegetable expert with the glasses seems a cheeky, cockney chappie on the tv but off screen he was a first class sh*tter to me I have to say, throughout the whole two days filming he rarely offered any of us much real constructive critisism, nay it was all fookin' digs and putdowns!!......the Torode rotter wasn't much better either and as you'll see when the series is aired the Ausie fooker royally slaughtered my truly innovative all-pork based menu!! anyway more of that later!
Upon arrival at Masterchef HQ I was informed by the young BBC production bint that I was cooking against Welsh hurdling journeyman Colin Jackson and 1980's synth pop star Howard Jones....well what a pair of twots and no mistake. I suppose to be fair Jackson has achieved quite a bit in his chosen sport and does do some valuable charity work I'm told but Jones really fookin' grated on me....he spent most of the two days boring all and sundry with tales of synth-pop trivia and endless boasts of his carnal conquests back in the day! - honestly you wouldn't find me publicly airing my loves and past partners via the spoken OR written word! fook off Jones and take your mental chains with you yer chuffin' idiot....sorry about that little rant there readers but it makes my blood boil I tell you.....in my day you had to earn celebrity status through sheer hard work and talent but not now......the likes of Gloria Hunniford, Angela Rippon, Royston "Titch" Tinders (1967 British Ballroom mens runner up), Bernie Clifton and Burton Curle etc would be turning in there collective graves now (if erm any of them were errr actually dead that is.
Anyway first up was the quick invention round where we had to design and cook a dish of our own choice from a selection of ingredients including tinned tomatoes, pasta, green peppers, salmon fillets, new potatoes, asparagus tips, broadbeans and some.....PORK MINCE!! yes I thought I'm safe - I soon got to work on a simple yet tasty starter of a sumptous, pan fried pork nudger on a bed of sauteted' new potatos with garlic and broadbeans smothered in the rendered pork fat from my old meaty nudger!....eeeh it was manna from pork-heaven I tell you.....sadly the judges weren't as enamoured as myself and so after a critical mauling ("lack of seasoning", "do you think a pork BURGER is good enough to progress in this competition really?", pork burger!?!?!? the cheeky rotters! anyway we were sent to a top London Italian restaraunt for the next round and thats when thing started to really hot up!
After donning our comical kitchen wear and amusing chef hats we were all assigned seperate dishes, Jackson was doing the starter of tomato, basil and mozarella tartlets whilst synth pop fooker Jones was assigned the dessert of traditional Tiramisu......whilst ol Les drew the short straw and was given the highly complicated task of ricotta raviloli in a herb and tomato based sauce....well fook I had to make the pasta fresh myself, stuff the fookin raviolis, skin the tomatos myself to make the sauce...fookin hell I thought, To make matters worse in the midst of afternoon service who sauntered in to the plush "Mantioni's" restaraunt of the West End but my old showbiz pal and mucker Nicholas Parsons!!! well I had to say hello it would be rude not to and so after a swift three sweet sherries and a nice wander down memory lane with old Parso' it was back to the pass for me and a quick b*llocking from the head chef Bruno!!! Eeh the chuffin' fooker!
Anyway after 2 hours of torrid service we all muddled through and then it was back to Masterchef HQ for the final round where we had to make a 3 course meal of our own design.......
For my menu I had chosen a bold starter of a pigs trotter pickled in balsamic vinegar, basil and worcester sauce on a bed of spinach with crispy bacon bits scattered around it, for my main I opted for an innovative and inventive pan Asian/British pork-fusion dish consisting of pigs kidneys, seasoned in flour and spices and carefully pan fried, served with egg noodles, sweet and sour vegetables and local Barrow reared black pudding slithers with a refreshing minty mushy pea and lime couli...eeeh it was a fookin' delight to my tastebuds! I tell you Heston Blumental would have been proud of old Lesley!!
And finally for my dessert I went all out for a highly experimental dish of a gammon and pineapple infused jelly with a handmade vanilla ice cream and thin maple syruped bacon wafers, well what can I say the fookers hated it, as I stated earlier Greg described it as a "culinary abomination!" and at one point had to stop filming to retch into a nearby bin whilst the Aussie feller described it as "truly a bizzare and obscene mish mash of flavours and styles, an insult to goodtaste and cooking!!" well needless to say I didn't go through to the next round as Colin Jackson clinced it with his safe traditional Welsh menu.....but I had a good few days of fun at the BBC's expense and I'd like to say a made some new friends on the way but I fookin' didn't.
Anyway before you could say "pasa doble" I had foxtrotted my way out of the back door and straight back to my four star hotel to meet up with Alma, after a quick shower us two old lovers of the dance world began making sensual based love on the floor of our sumptious hotel room, although at one point poor old Alma's gammy leg began to seize up with acute excruciating, raging pins and needles but after a few sweet sherries and a rubdown from old Lesley we resumed our intense dance of love before I treated Alma to a top notch roast pork dinner at a fine carvery in London's west end!! all in all it was a good three days in the capital!
Until next time, farewell!!
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