How do folks! well it's been an eventful old weekend for me, one full of top notch japes, fish suppers, pork loin memories, some no strings attached shennanigans, and the glorious, sensual dance that is the Samba!!
It all began on Friday morning when my good friend Maurice Shoteley pulled up outside my 5 bedroom mock tudor mini-mansion in his black Bentley, yes we were about to set out on our annual Blackpool beano, a jolly boys outing if you like for Maurice and me. Originating from the mid 70's the "Pig Trotters Seaside Bonanza" began life as a chance for Maurice, Selwyn and ol' twinkle toes to recharge our batteries with some sea air and scrapes! However since the terrible death of our old pal butcher Selwyn Corbett a few years back Maurice and myself have vowed to keep the knees up going as a glowing tribute to the memory of dear Selwyn.....
Anyway we promptly set off in Maurices car and arrived in my spiritual home at midday after a quick brunch stop at a little chef on the way! (Maurice opted for a pot of tea and 5 large doughnuts whilst I selected a full English "porkfest" including baked beans, 3 rashers of bacon, chips, mushrooms, 3 pork and leek sausages, fried bread, scrambled eggs, a gammon steak, and a side order of sumptious black pooding!! it was a beltin' fry up I can confirm!!
Upon arrival at the 4 star "Sunnydale" hotel at Blackpool it quickly emerged that blinkin' old Maurice hadn't confirmed the reservation and so the hotel was fully booked...anyway after an hour and a half of scouring the streets we finally we managed to get a "cosy" double room at the basic but homely "Shepperton" B&B on Regent Street facing the majestic North pier. After unpacking our bags and a quick wash and brush up we hit the town, I had decided to change into my 1979 beige safari suit with maroon silk cravat whilst Maurice slipped into his comfy favourite blue Farah slacks and a nice grey slazenger v-neck pullover/green polo shirt look. After a leisurely stroll down the golden mile we stopped off for a quick port or 2 in a local Wetherspoons hostilery before having a wander onto the North pier to check out which cabaret acts were lined up. Well chuffin hell the first thing we saw was a poster advertising my old pal Burton Curle, I was flabbergasted as old Burty has rarely worked since an ill judged performance at a fundraising do for the Terence Higgins trust 2 years ago. It was all a simple error - Burton's bumbling agent mis-booked him for the bash thinking it was a former coal miners do in Wakefield when in fact it was a black tie dinner/cabaret evening for the mincing charity down in London!! anyone who knows their stand up comedy will vouch that yes old Burty can be a bit blue and sometimes a tad risky but it's all good humoured innocent fun much like other misunderstood comic greats like Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning, suffice to say Burton made a harmless joke about "backs to the wall" and all hell broke loose! oh well some people take themselves far too seriously!!
After a stick of candyfloss and a quick tram ride we retired back to our hotel room for a brief siesta'. After showering and changing into our best suits Maurice and myself hit the Blackpool tower and a return to my spiritual home - the Tower fookin' Ballroom!!!
I must confess I had mixed emotions on returning to the beautiful gilded ballroom as I haven't been back their since those outdated fools at the BBC decided to axe my "Lesters Funtime Hour!" t.v. show from it's Saturday night slot a few years back. Granted viewing figures were initially dissapointing but it was early days and I believe I could have pulled it round in time. I had some first class acts lined up but those foolish bastids at the Beeb had other plans, they wanted cheesy modern acts like McFly, Busted and squeaky voiced joker Joe Pasquale whilst I had pencilled in a long overdue screen return for funnyman Roger De Courcy and Nookie Bear, The multi-talented Bucks Fizz and my dear old friend Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich sidekick!!!
We arrived at about 7.30pm and promptly took our seats in a private VIP area roped off from the public, thanks to the kindness of ballroom manger Stan Tressle (cheers Stan son!) No offence to the dear OAP's and dance fans who tend to frequent the tower ballroom but you must understand that as a multiple ballroom title winning veteran I need my privacy too and urge all followers of the medium of dance to please respect that....but after a few more ports I suddenly felt the familiar warm tingling sensation in my feet, yes my "feet of flames" were starting to heat up and I had little option but to follow my heart and take too the dancefloor. I plucked a lucky lady from a nearby table and gave her the waltz of her life, it was fookin' intoxicating I tell you, aaah the beauty of dance!
I have to confess readers that I think my heart briefly fluttered, and I felt the familiar pulsating warm feel that I haven't felt since dear old Mater' was taken away by the angels (well that fookin' rotter Lockett!!!!) - Joyce and I literally danced the night away, we did everything, the pasa doble, the rhumba, the waltz and finally the dance of lovers - the samba!! it was truly a wondrous evening and after an intimate late night pork-loin dinner at a nearby carvery the 67 year old Joyce and I returned to my hotel room. By this time I had slipped Maurice a fiver to keep out of the way for an hour or so (the last I heard he was winning £60 in the penny arcade on the North pier!!) so Joyce and I could continue our dance of passion in privacy. After what seemed like hours of beautiful, torrid lovemaking I escorted Joyce to the high street and pointed her in the direction of a mini-cab firm before dashing back to the ballroom to meet up with Maurice.
After signing several autographs and chatting to my public I was feeling rather tired and emotional so Maurice and I downed our last Cherry Brandy chasers and decided on stopping off on the way home for some scran! - 1st stop was the legendary "Cap'n Barnacle's" fish bar on Chisleworth Avenue. Maurice ordered a sausage in batter with chips, peas and gravy and old Les went for a large tray of chips, pea juice and some "Fish thumpers!" - you really haven't dined until you have experienced the sheer joy of a proccessed fish thumper, How they do it I don't know but at a push I'd guess that off cuts of cod and plaice are combined with potato textured granules, preservatives, monosodium glutamate, flavour enhancers and lashings of salt before being ground into a fishy paste then deepfried in dripping......oooh fookin' lovely!!!!
I'll update Saturdays remarkable events as soon as I can, must dash now as I have to visit dear Toby's shrine in Barrow in Furness cemetry, the poor old lads plot needs a bit of a clean up and some fresh flowers laid down for him, the proud lad! whilst there I will stop by Mater's plot and have a few quiet words before returning home to update on my Blackpool bonanza!!
It all began on Friday morning when my good friend Maurice Shoteley pulled up outside my 5 bedroom mock tudor mini-mansion in his black Bentley, yes we were about to set out on our annual Blackpool beano, a jolly boys outing if you like for Maurice and me. Originating from the mid 70's the "Pig Trotters Seaside Bonanza" began life as a chance for Maurice, Selwyn and ol' twinkle toes to recharge our batteries with some sea air and scrapes! However since the terrible death of our old pal butcher Selwyn Corbett a few years back Maurice and myself have vowed to keep the knees up going as a glowing tribute to the memory of dear Selwyn.....
Anyway we promptly set off in Maurices car and arrived in my spiritual home at midday after a quick brunch stop at a little chef on the way! (Maurice opted for a pot of tea and 5 large doughnuts whilst I selected a full English "porkfest" including baked beans, 3 rashers of bacon, chips, mushrooms, 3 pork and leek sausages, fried bread, scrambled eggs, a gammon steak, and a side order of sumptious black pooding!! it was a beltin' fry up I can confirm!!
Upon arrival at the 4 star "Sunnydale" hotel at Blackpool it quickly emerged that blinkin' old Maurice hadn't confirmed the reservation and so the hotel was fully booked...anyway after an hour and a half of scouring the streets we finally we managed to get a "cosy" double room at the basic but homely "Shepperton" B&B on Regent Street facing the majestic North pier. After unpacking our bags and a quick wash and brush up we hit the town, I had decided to change into my 1979 beige safari suit with maroon silk cravat whilst Maurice slipped into his comfy favourite blue Farah slacks and a nice grey slazenger v-neck pullover/green polo shirt look. After a leisurely stroll down the golden mile we stopped off for a quick port or 2 in a local Wetherspoons hostilery before having a wander onto the North pier to check out which cabaret acts were lined up. Well chuffin hell the first thing we saw was a poster advertising my old pal Burton Curle, I was flabbergasted as old Burty has rarely worked since an ill judged performance at a fundraising do for the Terence Higgins trust 2 years ago. It was all a simple error - Burton's bumbling agent mis-booked him for the bash thinking it was a former coal miners do in Wakefield when in fact it was a black tie dinner/cabaret evening for the mincing charity down in London!! anyone who knows their stand up comedy will vouch that yes old Burty can be a bit blue and sometimes a tad risky but it's all good humoured innocent fun much like other misunderstood comic greats like Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning, suffice to say Burton made a harmless joke about "backs to the wall" and all hell broke loose! oh well some people take themselves far too seriously!!
After a stick of candyfloss and a quick tram ride we retired back to our hotel room for a brief siesta'. After showering and changing into our best suits Maurice and myself hit the Blackpool tower and a return to my spiritual home - the Tower fookin' Ballroom!!!
I must confess I had mixed emotions on returning to the beautiful gilded ballroom as I haven't been back their since those outdated fools at the BBC decided to axe my "Lesters Funtime Hour!" t.v. show from it's Saturday night slot a few years back. Granted viewing figures were initially dissapointing but it was early days and I believe I could have pulled it round in time. I had some first class acts lined up but those foolish bastids at the Beeb had other plans, they wanted cheesy modern acts like McFly, Busted and squeaky voiced joker Joe Pasquale whilst I had pencilled in a long overdue screen return for funnyman Roger De Courcy and Nookie Bear, The multi-talented Bucks Fizz and my dear old friend Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich sidekick!!!
We arrived at about 7.30pm and promptly took our seats in a private VIP area roped off from the public, thanks to the kindness of ballroom manger Stan Tressle (cheers Stan son!) No offence to the dear OAP's and dance fans who tend to frequent the tower ballroom but you must understand that as a multiple ballroom title winning veteran I need my privacy too and urge all followers of the medium of dance to please respect that....but after a few more ports I suddenly felt the familiar warm tingling sensation in my feet, yes my "feet of flames" were starting to heat up and I had little option but to follow my heart and take too the dancefloor. I plucked a lucky lady from a nearby table and gave her the waltz of her life, it was fookin' intoxicating I tell you, aaah the beauty of dance!
I have to confess readers that I think my heart briefly fluttered, and I felt the familiar pulsating warm feel that I haven't felt since dear old Mater' was taken away by the angels (well that fookin' rotter Lockett!!!!) - Joyce and I literally danced the night away, we did everything, the pasa doble, the rhumba, the waltz and finally the dance of lovers - the samba!! it was truly a wondrous evening and after an intimate late night pork-loin dinner at a nearby carvery the 67 year old Joyce and I returned to my hotel room. By this time I had slipped Maurice a fiver to keep out of the way for an hour or so (the last I heard he was winning £60 in the penny arcade on the North pier!!) so Joyce and I could continue our dance of passion in privacy. After what seemed like hours of beautiful, torrid lovemaking I escorted Joyce to the high street and pointed her in the direction of a mini-cab firm before dashing back to the ballroom to meet up with Maurice.
After signing several autographs and chatting to my public I was feeling rather tired and emotional so Maurice and I downed our last Cherry Brandy chasers and decided on stopping off on the way home for some scran! - 1st stop was the legendary "Cap'n Barnacle's" fish bar on Chisleworth Avenue. Maurice ordered a sausage in batter with chips, peas and gravy and old Les went for a large tray of chips, pea juice and some "Fish thumpers!" - you really haven't dined until you have experienced the sheer joy of a proccessed fish thumper, How they do it I don't know but at a push I'd guess that off cuts of cod and plaice are combined with potato textured granules, preservatives, monosodium glutamate, flavour enhancers and lashings of salt before being ground into a fishy paste then deepfried in dripping......oooh fookin' lovely!!!!
I'll update Saturdays remarkable events as soon as I can, must dash now as I have to visit dear Toby's shrine in Barrow in Furness cemetry, the poor old lads plot needs a bit of a clean up and some fresh flowers laid down for him, the proud lad! whilst there I will stop by Mater's plot and have a few quiet words before returning home to update on my Blackpool bonanza!!
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