Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It's Panto time......oh no it isn't!! - oh yes it chuffin' is!


Yes it certainly is, this year I'm appearing in Cinderella at the quaint theatre royal in Barnsley, and I can't chuffin' wait! Rehearsals begin today and I'm really excited about meeting the rest of the brilliant cast later this morning. The very talented breakfast show DJ Tim "Cheeky" Chambers from local radio station Barnsley 108FM is taking the role of Buttons, whilst the lovely Sophie Prigg weathergirl from Yorkshire tv local news makes a delightful Cinders, I'm playing one of the ugly sisters with Tony Green of Bullseye fame whilst my dear old friend Bernie Clifton will make a marvelous Baron Hardup with his humourous ostrich sidekick!!! I'm being put up in a rather nice 3 star hotel just outside of Barnsley for the majority of the shows run so expect lots of amusing, hotel related shennanigans from this blog over the next few weeks!

I fookin' love panto me, I really do, It plays to all my showbiz strengths and ticks all the right boxes. People may say I'm only doing it for the money and yes it pays well - I'm not doing it for nowt, I'm not running a charity you know, I've got a five bedroom luxury home to maintain and Mater's memory to honour but I really honestly do love it!

Xmas time for me can be a pretty lonely time anyway, so it's best I'm not alone. Since Mater' was taken from me back in the 1970's I've had little motivation or desire to celebrate the festive season and thats why I love the family joy that panto brings, I'd only be rattling around my mock Tudor mini mansion on Boxing day or at Maurice Shoteleys house playing charades so it will save me from some unwelcome misery........

I clearly remember the first Xmas after Mater' was killed, I awoke to a cold empty house and after opening some of my many presents from my scores of showbiz friends (Angela Rippon, Judith Chalmers, Bonnie Langford and Bernie Clifton) I gingerly crawled up to Mater's shrine and slipped into one of her glorious silvery ballgowns (actually it was the garment she wore to win the 1949 Lancaster and district pairs title!) before applying some foundation and rouge and then finally settling down to eat my Xmas meal for one of roast pork, lightly salted tripe, roasties, honey glazed carrots and some sage stuffing, Mmmm - that brief pork based interlude was the only highpoint of a truly bleak, dark day. After my pork bonanza I spent the rest of the day wandering around Barrow in Furness town centre in Maters' clothes with her orthopaedic shoe on, oh fook it's bringing it all back to me now......must move on, have to move on. By the way the dressing up in Mater's clothes is by no way a sexually repressed thing honestly it was merely an emotional cry for help, my therapist at the time confirmed this, I repeat it was just a form of positive grieving, honestly!

Fookin' chuff what a commotion that was!!

I'm afraid due to my busy panto schedule that I had to turn down ITV's very generous offer to be airlifted in to the Australian jungle as late surprise guest for "I'm a celebrity.......", It was between me and old pal Christopher Biggins but I think old Biggin's really needs the work and money more than I do so I gracefully pasa dobled to one side and let the old mincer take the job!!!

God look Biggins son, you'll fookin' need it!!!

Must fly now as I have an appointment at the private "Heathcote" health clinic in Barrow in an hour, nothing serious but the veins around my lower rectum seem a bit more inflamed than usual lately so I'm booked in for some intensive "Rubber band ligation" treatment...pesky fookin' chalfonts!

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