I'm a celebrity (get me in there!!)

Yes folks - as you know ITV's jungle D-list celeb fest "I'm a celebrity..." is currently being rammed down our throats like a great, gorged sausage roll smothered in pork fat!!!! erm yes things have certainly took a turn for the worst in the jungle with dubiously politically opinionated tv fop Silksy already out of the camp and the sexy footballing wag Carly on her way it's time that the shows producers finally saw the light and airlifted ol' Sheepsy in there! Yes folks you may recall last year I was on the final shortlist of celebs to appear but had to withdraw at the eleventh hour due to Panto commitments but this year as a surprise late arrival I really think I could pull the show out of it's current slump.

With my firebrand wit, humorous anecdotes and ballroom dancing prowess I really think I'd be a valuable addition to the Australian jungle....I do know quite a few of the guys in there already which would help too, the zany Timmy Mallet took part in the early rounds of "Cut some Rug" but had to leave due to an ankle injury (not seen much evidence of any limb ailment in the jungle though Timmy you cushioned-malleted fooker!!) I also have some previous with the lovely Esther Rantzen as our paths often met at BBC televsion centre during the 70's and early 80's when she was presenting "Thats Life" and I was regularly guesting on "Come Dancing" - eeh what glorious days!!

I'd also call David Van Day a close friend too as I did some choerography work on a few early Dollar videos and also on one of their UK tours, I'll tell you something else too David doesn't half do a mean burger from his mobile takeaway van down in Brighton!!!

But seriously folks I really think I'd flourish in the outback, in my long distinguished career I've faced many awful, vile and downright hideous experiences so a few cockroaches, snakes and spiders would be like water off a ducks back to ol' twinkle toes. Why after you've shared a musty, damp chalet at Pontins with Burton Curle you can face anything!!! sorry Burty old lad but by the fook I think you'll agree with me that you reallty did have some unpleasantly foul personal hygiene habits back then son didn't you, ooh fook me not half!!!!

Who knows what will happen in the future but I'll be waiting by my phone for the call to come!!

In the meantime I'm working on my lastest project of which I'll reveal more just before Xmas but believe me folks it's a winner!!

Till next time take things easy and as Mater' used to say "Embrace the dance and all it's delights!!"

Cut Some Rug (RIP).......the end of a chuffin' era.

First things first folks heartfelt thanks for all your continued support and loyal viewing of the recently "axed" and criminally underated tv winner "Cut some rug!" - sorry for the delay in updating my blog but as you will know by now the scarlet silken, gilded curtain finally fell on the said ballroom blockbuster last Saturday. Reflecting solemnly last night with a glass of vintage sherry and a large "Harrods best" scotch egg I considerd myself privelleged nay fookin' blessed to be connected with what will surely in time be considered as one of 2008's true tv highlights!!

What can I say apart from that it's been a fantastic 8 weeks and we have witnessed some truly great ballroom dancing and general all round good old fashioned entertainment to boot, chiefly in the rather overweight shape of 70's alcoholic blue comic Burton Curle and his side splitting Carolina shag and also our eventual winner the semi-legendary Peter Purvess who beat the plucky former gymnast Suzanne Dando to the "Cut some rug" title at the weekend!!

Contrary to popular belief the show was NOT axed due to awful reviews and poor viewing figures (the suggestion that only 519 people watched Saturdays finale' is just plain evil and totally untrue) or that the huge success of the BBC's tawdry copy cat show "Strictly...." had a huge part to play in the downfall of what could have in time become a British tv institution, no folks at the end of the day all of us who have worked on the show have together shared something that will live in us all forever - from "Leisure" tv's chief executive Mike Saint, all the production crew, "Nesbitt media caterers" (especially for their wondrous pork and brisket mottled fulchers!) the researchers right down to the studio cleaning lady Bethel - yes we are blessed and honoured to have Cut some fookin' rug!!!

As you know the programme was due to run until just before Xmas but due to legal and top secret contractual reasons we had to fast track the show to it's momentous crescendo dance off on Saturday night, but things move on quickly folks and it's time for old Les to look to the future, I have already began work on my next project all of which will be revealed very, very soon!!

Xmas is on the horizon and this year I have foregone my annual panto stint to rest at home reflcting on what has been a very eventful year (in more ways than one!!)

In the meantime keep your spirits up folks and remember to watch those "Feet of fookin' flames!!!"

"Come some rug" goes LIVE!!!!

Well folks, what a weekend it's been - "Cut some Rug" finally went head to head with the beebs "Strictly come dancing" twaddle in a dance based battle to the death! and I'm confident that all at "Leisure TV" have played a collective blinder! we'll know in a few days time just how many people tuned into our amazingly glamorous debut show but the channels chief executive Mike Saint anticipate's the channels biggest viewing figures in it's entire 6 year history, so time will tell!

Sad news though for celebrity Tv paranormal crusader Denton Pentangle who found himself the first victim of the infamous "Cut some rug!" eviction as you the great British public opted to save cheeky blue northern comic Burton Curle instead!! old Burty just about did enough to keep himself in the show in my opinion indeed his "Carolina shag" with parter Monica Von Skeeten-Borgh was quite inspirational! and so he will be back next week for more dance based fun whilst sadly Denton will be confined to the great ballroom graveyard in the sky (erm metaphorically speaking of course folks.....)

But oh yes folks the show was a real delight from old Les and the still ravishingly beautiful Mavis Fekkit's wonderfully fragrant opening "Cha cha cha" routine right through to Su Pollards amusing and saucily salacious backstage titbits, we really couldn't have hoped for a better first show. Indeed relaxing in my palatial backstage dressing room after the show with my great showbiz pals Judith Chalmers, Bernie Clifton, Kendall Fontaine' and Stu "Ooh I could crush a grape" Francis we all concluded that the "Cut some rug" blueprint will truly take some stopping and with me old "Feet of Flames" Les at the helm the show has every chance of becoming a geniune Saturday nights TV ratings winner and quite possibly a British televisual institution!

Indeed over a richly bountiful backstage pork platter which included mini scotch eggs, Melton Mowbray porkington pie-slices, a smattering of balsamic vinegar pickled pigs trotters and many more pork based delights my old showbiz mucker Judith Chalmers and one time lover commented "Oohh Lesley I've never seen you so happy, if only Hinge could see you now darling!!" - which as you can guess started me right off, so much so that I rather drunkily and a tad hastily commandeered my loyal friend, agent and manager Maurice Shoteley to drive me straight up to Barrow in Furness there and then just so I could breath in the solemn, almost church like air of Maters's shrine back at my palatial 5 bedroom mini mock tudor mansion! after spending a few blissful hours in her replica room me and Maurice tended to Mater and Tobys graves on Sunday morning before hot footing it back down the M1 just in time for rehearsals for "Cut some Rug" on Sunday evening! eeh what a fookin' palaver and no mistake!!

I can't wait for next weeks show, it will be interesting to see if poor old Timmy Mallet recovers from his unfortunate twisted ankle injury sustained during his waltz to Spandau Ballets classic "True" and also to see if my old mate Burton Curle can once again rise like an overweight, persipring recovering alcholic phoenix from the flames to stay in the contest yet again - until Saturday folks dance on!!

Lets battle the Beeb all the way!!!

Yes folks my rallying, clarion call above says it all really - in a few weeks time we go head to head with the BBC in a ballroom dance based war of hellish almost apocalyptic proportions!! a tad dramtatic maybe but I believe that "Leisure" Tv's "Cut some Rug" has the potential and sheer star quality to slaughter the Beebs tawdry "Strictly come dancing" in the ratings war.....

With a list of high profile celebs lined up such as Blue Peter's Peter Purvess, Tv paranormal crusader Denton Pentangle, former ace gymnast Suzanne Dando, Wacky funster Timmy Mallet and recovering alcholic standup comic Burton Curle I believe the Great British public will switch on in their millions to be captivated by some truly great ballroom dance based entertainment.

It all kicks in 2 weeks time on Saturday nights at 7.30pm, so make sure you tune in folks - why not settle down on your favourite armchair perhaps with a nice rustic scotch egg or two and a large glass of port or maybe a pickled pigs trotter and a few glasses of malty brown ale will suit you better as you ease into the wondrous world of "Cut Some Rug!!!!!!!!!"

All the production team at "Leisure Tv" and everyone connected with the show in general are very excited about the barnstorming upcoming debut live show and as a huge treat and massive statement of intent we have managed to line up a truly great scoop for the first show.....yes my loyal companion, much beloved old dancing partner Mavis Fekkit and I will be opening the show with a sublime reconstruction of our infamous 1962 World championship winning "Cha cha cha" routine that delighted and stunned critics, judges and ballroom fans alike back in the day! Mavis has wisely seen sense regarding the ridicilous, barbaric and frankfully unsavoury legal injunction she had taken out against me 3 or 4 years back and has decided to look to the future with me her old dancing partner, former close friend and sometime lover back by her side....Eeeh I can hardly wait to once again after all these years "Cut Some fookin' Rug" with dear old Mavis! you really are a credit to Ballroom dancing Mavis and a fookin' right old proud beauty at that!

Mavis's husband the Barbados based multi millionaire tv impressario and businessman Lucifer Entwhistle has kindly agreed to financially back the show on condition that his dear wife Mavis steps into the breach to co-present the show in place of the lovingly bonkers Su Pollard. Sorry Su love but as you know thats' show business and as the game old trooper she is I'm sure she won't hold a grudge and will continue to be the consumate professional in her new drastically reduced role as back stage reporter and gossip monger amongst our Z list celebs!!!

I've been spending most of my spare time down in London recently as rehearsals have been feverishly taking place but "Leisure Tv" have kindly put me up in a sumptious listed country cottage just 40 minutes drive from the capital, as homeley as it is frankly I'm living out of my £1000 bespoke crocodile skin suitcase for now but fear not folks I have been making a regular weekly sabatical up to Barrow in Furness to check on Maters' grave (and Tobys too!!) and also to stock up on some fine pork based food items for my country larder such as some of the late much missed Selwyn Corbetts prime pork chops, his finest wild boar and sage sausages and a whole array of convenience snacks like his premium Mudchute farm pork pies, a few porky herby nudgers, the odd trotter or twelve and a few pigs heads thrown in for some severe stewing on the aga of my delightful country cottage!!

Eeeh isn't life grand!!?!?!?!?

See you soon people, and remember lets "Cut some rug!!!"

Lester

x

(Yet) Another journey back into the past.....

Greetings dear ballroom friends, sadly sales of my recent autobiography have fallen dramatically somewhat recently so in a truly shameful plug I offer this fascinating snippet from the said tome', now retailing at just £1.99 "it truly is a delight to the senses for all lovers of Les Sheepshanks, ballroom dancing, pork and life in general!" (Fettis Rinseed-Glove - The Barrow evening Herald)

Here we go with another fascinating glimpse from the annals of the Lester Sheepshanks treasure vaults - concentrating on my early ballroom dancing career - it's a chuffin' belter, enjoy!!

"Growing up on the rat infested back streets of Barrow in Furness were indeed a real, hard lesson in life and one which truly stood me in good stead for the huge successes, massive upheavals, terrible traumas and earth shattering tragedies which were to await me in later years. Life was hard back then, My wastrel Father Whitworth drank like a fish and beat us children regularly whilst Mater' worked like a graceful club footed, arthiritic shirehorse with a glass eye (but a proud one at that!)

Yes them was rotten days I say, life was especially difficult for me taking my first tentative steps in the heady world of competetive ballroom. Obviously I had a hell of a lot to live up too, it is no secret that dear old Mater was widely known as one of the Northern regions best ballroom dancers back in the 1930's and 40's, indeed her and her loyal partner the dashing and truly charming Gladstone Fishlathe' were regularly winners of some of the regions top competitions. Indeed there were several vicious rumours circulating that there was more to Mater' and Gladstones professional relationship than dancing but surely I would have known if there was as Mater' confided virtually everything in me - financial worries, fear of Father's brutal beatings, supper recipe' quandries even concern over her heavy and irregular monthlies!! yes our relationship truly was a fookin' special one and one which I miss even more now - god how I wish she was here...... back to dancing matters though - I couldn't possibly fully comprehend the full magnitude of the task involved in making dear old Mummy proud of me and my dancing career, but by eck Mater' I did it didn't I? yes I fookin' did you proud you old beauty you!!...

Even from an early age Mater' encouraged me with all of her heart and simply only wanted what was best for me and that obviously was to concentrate on my vastly promising ballroom career leaving schoolwork a sorry second, Father wanted me to follow him working in the towns tough shipyards but that was no place for a hugely talented, sensitive, pork loving dancing boy like me - no sir! Even then I knew I was different and that I was destined for truly monumental things, whilst the other boys were scrumping for apples or cheerily torturing stray cats or goading sickly pigeons in the back street I was pressing wild flowers and practising my dance moves at home - I was so advanced that I was even beating men twice my age in the working class clubs of Barrow in Furness in impromptu dancing contests at the age of fourteen!! eeh such good times!

But I really do owe most of my early success to precious Mater', after working a gruelling 14 hour shift at the local toilet factory Mater would leave for her early evening cleaning job down the bus depot before gracing the dance halls of Barrow with her club footed gazelle-like ballroom prowess. Not a lot of people know this but due to her agonising, and chronically severe gout Mater' won many of her contests wearing her loyal and trusty heavy size 10 orthopaedic dancing shoe! - pushing herself with sheer resolute dedication and a cast iron will to succeed through searing pain and agony. Mater what a proud, brave beauty you really were!!!!! Even back then though my father was insanely jealous of the unique loving bond that blossommed between dear sweet, silvery haired Mater and me, there is nothing shameful, unmanly or dubious about the true love between a Mother and her son, nothing at all folks - contrary to what simpering, lily livered fops like my arch nemesis and dance rival Austin Lockett would absurdly suggest in later years!!

I remember coming home from school one freezingingly cold Winters evening to find my drunken brute of a Father with his hands clasped tightly around Maters throat "You'll fookin ruin that boy Hinge" he hissed swigging from a bottle of brown ale. "Do you really want him to grow up as a queer, flower pressing, limp wristed ballroom dancing nancy boy!?!" he growled....Without a thought for my own safety I threw down my school satchel in fury and quickly slipped on my silken lilac dancing galsoshes and before you could say "Let's all Samba!" I had proceeded to distract Whitworth by executing a few rather fetching and imaginative dance moves on our threadbare living room rug....with the drunken old twot distracted Mater' bravely slipped from his clutches straight next door to seek help while I bravely took on the old bastid....Father may have beaten me to a sorry, blood soaked pulp and left me in Barrow infirmary for 3 weeks with a perforated lung, fractured jaw and four broken ribs but I learnt a valuable lesson that day and one which stood me in truly good stead to make me the man I am today!!! - a fookin' winner!!!

By the time of my 16th birthday I truly was the talk of the town and famous for my promising dancing skills, I lived, slept and breathed the joy of Ballroom dancing, and little else mattered to me really (except maybe for my blossoming love of pork and all it's fragrant wonders!!). In many ways I was growing far too big for the humble, broken town of Barrow and decided there and then to broaden my horizons as I packed my bag and headed off for the home of the famous tower ballroom and my true dancing Mecca.....fookin' BLACKPOOL!!!! oh yes!!"

Let's "Cut some Rug!!" (and nuzzle on some fine new pork based products!!)

How do ballroom comrades, as promised here I am back again to update you all on my appointment last week at the palatial £500 a night "Blossom meadow" private hospital, regarding a quick session on my annoying nauticals...thankfully things are fine folks, after a routine bout of staple Hemorrhoidectomy treatment I can now happily confirm that my badmintons are as right as rain. I even managed a few rounds of the foxtrot last night at my five bedroom mock tudor mini-mansion with my dear old former dance partner Florice Gussthorth!! Eeh it was chuffin' wonderful! I tell you I've still got it, I've still got it!!!

More good news arrived last week with the announcement that cable tv channel "Leisure" have confirmed that their highly anticipated new ballroom show "Cut some Rug" has been given the go ahead for a 10 week run to begin live broadcast in September! chuff' me I can hardly wait to get started!!! The basic premise of the show is that 10 brave, plucky celebs will try to take on the pro-dancers at their own game, yes in a scenario loosely connected to the BBC's "Strictly" fiasco I will be presenting the show alongside the lovely and very talented Su Pollard whilst a team of 3 expert former ballroom dancers - Reg Floss, the lovely Mrs.Preedy Cakebread and my old pal Lexington Crisp will be scoring our celebs gallant efforts!! Z-list stars already pencilled in include zany prankster Timmy Mallet, Blue Peter host and "conquerer" of Val Singleton the much loved Peter Purvess, former gymnastic star Suzanne Dando and alcoholic comic legend Burton Curle and they are all desperate to "Cut some Rug! I can tell you!!!" more news to follow!

I am very happy to confirm that "Corbetts" of Barrow in Furness the celebrated Pork Butchers have launched a brand new meat product onto the market this week. The "Uncle Les's battered pork boaster" is basically a fat, meaty slab of processed pork, ham and gristle enclosed in a luscious, golden crispy batter.....eeh I'm salivating just thinking about the porky fooker. Contrary to recent accusations in the local press the said product is in no way influenced by the famous Spam fritter and bare little or no resemblance to the said traditional processed pork treats, no they are a joint business effort between myself and the late great Selwynn Corbetts brother Cecil. We really expect them to take off in a big way and we are hoping to have a huge pork based hit on our hands!!! watch this space!!!

Hopefully in the next few weeks I will also be in a position to announce details of my next big dance/theatre "project", but until then Mum's the word, erm sorry make that Mater's the word! - the lovely, dear old sweet silvery haired old proud beauty!!

Until next time friends, take it easy!

Sun, sea, Judith Chalmers and my fiery chalfonts!!

Hola' everyone,

Yes I'm just recently back from an extended month long sabbatical in good old sunny Spain, yes folks I've spent 4 (mostly!) glorious sunshine, dance and pork filled weeks in my luxury 3 bedroom villa down on the Costa Del Sol! and what can I say readers but I'm refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to Rrrrrr-rhumba!

Not that I limited myself to just the world famous Rhumba whilst out in Espana', no indeed not - myself and my guests partook in all the disiciplines of that wondrous medium we call ballroom! and yes Mrs. Mortice Winbourne of Blackburn that does include the saucily named Carolina shag!!! but seriously folks I really did have a marvellous 4 weeks out there with my guests, loyal manager and agent Maurice Shoteley and his lovely wife Brenda, my old dancing pal Jervis Draycott and his wife Eunice (1965 Northern counties foxtrott champions) and my old showbiz mucker Judith Chalmers who dropped in for a few weeks whilst out there filming a segment for "Holidays for the old, infirm and incontinent" for cable tv station "Prime of your Life tv"!!!

Me and Judith go back many years but we are strictly good friends folks, the nearest I really ever got close to any kind of carnally related shennanigans with old perma tanned Judith was one night back in my luxury caravan in Bournemouth in 1986 when we both shared the same bed (and a cheeky pork nudger or two!) after a few sherries too many one evening, mind you one particularly hot night on holiday whilst getting ready to go out I "mistakenly walked in" on Judith to find her applying her infamous all over orange glowing fake tan and I tell you it was a sight that will live with me till the day I finally shuffle my last solemn foxtrot....Judith you really are a fookin' proud beauty!!

I must say also that I've enjoyed some first class scran out in Spain during the last few weeks, I know I lovely little bar/cafe' owned by a wonderful Blackpool couple Wilf and Val Kettlechip that I've been frequenting for the last 20 years, they really do serve up some top notch dishes including a mean steak and kidney pie and my personal favourite their famous or should I say INFAMOUS "All day breakfast bucket!" which is literally a large cardboard container much like the ones used in KFC outlets back in Blighty which is filled to the brim with a selection of pork sausages, bacon, fried eggs, chips, black pooooooding, fried tomatos, mushrooms, fried bread, a gammon steak and finally lashings of prime pork juice liberally drizzled over the top" - eeeh pork fookin' heaven!!!

As ever though the memory of Mater' was never far from my mind dear readers and on return to my luxury 5 bedroom mock Tudor mini mansion this week I was delighted by the work Barrow based interior designer Roger Paquette' has put into restoring Hinge's bedroom room once again....at a princely £10,000 it was cheap at half the price (cheers Rog son!) it is like she has never been away. Mater's bed, pink floral eiderdown and sheets are safely encased in a non perishable plastic coating, her size 10 orthapaedic dance shoe nestles lovingly on the sideboard, her token glass eye sits with dignity on the mantlepice and who could overlook her beloved ball gowns hanging serenley in the oak wardrobe? eeeh such fookin' memories! it really is a tasteful and respectful shrine to my dear Mater'!!!

But back to Spain folks, we really did have some top times down at Chez' Lesley. I'm afraid though I spent most nights alone in the master bedroom apart from the final lucky evening when after a nice meal and a few drinks down at "Keiths British Pub" on the main sea front I managed to snare the lovely Phylis from Cardiff. Suffice to say after a few more large sherries back at the villa I dutily treated the game Welsh girl to a truly majestic love-dance of her life, yes in more ways than one I took old Phylis to heaven and back, by the fook Les is back, yes I'm BACK!!!!!

The only low point of the month was my fookin' pesky chalfonts flaring up, yes my grapes were well and truly knackered!! lucklily I'd packed a few industrial size tubes of "Anusol" cream so help was at hand. Within hours and before you could say "Samba" the soothing lotion had shrunk my farmers whilst soothing the nagging itching and generally relieiving the pain and discomfort. Fear not though loyal dance fans I'm booked into the exclusive "Blossom meadow" private hospital in West Barrow for a full MOT of my itchy ceramics next Friday!

Until then I'll update and tell you how I get on, must dash as there's a couple of tasty looking "Corbetts prime Pork pies" in the fridge with my name on the pork fat and gristle filled fookers! see you soon and remember keep on dancing!!