It's Panto time......oh no it isn't!! - oh yes it chuffin' is!

Yes it certainly is, this year I'm appearing in Cinderella at the quaint theatre royal in Barnsley, and I can't chuffin' wait! Rehearsals begin today and I'm really excited about meeting the rest of the brilliant cast later this morning. The very talented breakfast show DJ Tim "Cheeky" Chambers from local radio station Barnsley 108FM is taking the role of Buttons, whilst the lovely Sophie Prigg weathergirl from Yorkshire tv local news makes a delightful Cinders, I'm playing one of the ugly sisters with Tony Green of Bullseye fame whilst my dear old friend Bernie Clifton will make a marvelous Baron Hardup with his humourous ostrich sidekick!!! I'm being put up in a rather nice 3 star hotel just outside of Barnsley for the majority of the shows run so expect lots of amusing, hotel related shennanigans from this blog over the next few weeks!

I fookin' love panto me, I really do, It plays to all my showbiz strengths and ticks all the right boxes. People may say I'm only doing it for the money and yes it pays well - I'm not doing it for nowt, I'm not running a charity you know, I've got a five bedroom luxury home to maintain and Mater's memory to honour but I really honestly do love it!

Xmas time for me can be a pretty lonely time anyway, so it's best I'm not alone. Since Mater' was taken from me back in the 1970's I've had little motivation or desire to celebrate the festive season and thats why I love the family joy that panto brings, I'd only be rattling around my mock Tudor mini mansion on Boxing day or at Maurice Shoteleys house playing charades so it will save me from some unwelcome misery........

I clearly remember the first Xmas after Mater' was killed, I awoke to a cold empty house and after opening some of my many presents from my scores of showbiz friends (Angela Rippon, Judith Chalmers, Bonnie Langford and Bernie Clifton) I gingerly crawled up to Mater's shrine and slipped into one of her glorious silvery ballgowns (actually it was the garment she wore to win the 1949 Lancaster and district pairs title!) before applying some foundation and rouge and then finally settling down to eat my Xmas meal for one of roast pork, lightly salted tripe, roasties, honey glazed carrots and some sage stuffing, Mmmm - that brief pork based interlude was the only highpoint of a truly bleak, dark day. After my pork bonanza I spent the rest of the day wandering around Barrow in Furness town centre in Maters' clothes with her orthopaedic shoe on, oh fook it's bringing it all back to me now......must move on, have to move on. By the way the dressing up in Mater's clothes is by no way a sexually repressed thing honestly it was merely an emotional cry for help, my therapist at the time confirmed this, I repeat it was just a form of positive grieving, honestly!

Fookin' chuff what a commotion that was!!

I'm afraid due to my busy panto schedule that I had to turn down ITV's very generous offer to be airlifted in to the Australian jungle as late surprise guest for "I'm a celebrity.......", It was between me and old pal Christopher Biggins but I think old Biggin's really needs the work and money more than I do so I gracefully pasa dobled to one side and let the old mincer take the job!!!

God look Biggins son, you'll fookin' need it!!!

Must fly now as I have an appointment at the private "Heathcote" health clinic in Barrow in an hour, nothing serious but the veins around my lower rectum seem a bit more inflamed than usual lately so I'm booked in for some intensive "Rubber band ligation" treatment...pesky fookin' chalfonts!

Poll results - What is the true king of pork!

Well a respectable four of you voted and yes we can confirm that in your opinion the king of pork snacks is........THE GAMMON STEAK!!! - well you certainly surprised me but one can't argue with the democratic vote, you have spoken and the tasty, humble gammon steak is the winner!!

Watch this space for more light hearted polls!

A Blast From The Past!! Madame Greta Du Font....(RIP)

Chuffin fook! I just had to share this wonderful old picture with you my loyal readers, yes it's Madame Greta Du Font the great French dancer who I had the honour of foxtrotting with back in the late 50's, but who is the young fleet footed suave chap on the right? yes it's my good self dancing with Greta back in 1957!! fookin' ell it seems like just last week when that picture was taken, but how times have changed, crime is out of control these days, gangs of feral youths roam the streets, immigration has become totally unnaceptable and the price of pork is on the rise too!! - fookin' ell!

I recall the amazing times Greta and I shared in Bournemouth in the comfy interior of my luxury caravan, we spent endless days frollicing on my pink floral eiderdown, 2 people in love and at one with each other, sharing a burning passion for dance, nature and the medium of pork based products..... but in the end we drifted apart and I had to follow my true path, my one vocation to become the greatest ballroom dancer in history!!! the choice was a hard one, follow my heart or choose my "Feet of flames"? I think you'll agree folks ol' Twinkle toes made the right one!

But she really was a wondrous lady with all the grace of a released butterfly.......sadly I recieved the awful news last night that she had been killed in an horrendous bizzare wallpapering accident at her retirement home in Toulouse. She was 81! Greta I'll miss you and all you gave to the world of dance, god bless you yer proud beauty!!!

Tantrums, tears and pork loin memories....(Part 2)

6.30am Saturday morning and I awoke to Maurice's snoring reverberating around the walls of our humble room, it was a glorious day and I could hear the reassuring sound of seagulls squawking outside. After picking at a rather average full English breakfast in the B&B we left in disgust and hit "Ted's Cafe" on the Golden Mile for a tasty alternative. Maurice ordered 14 slices of toast with butter and suuuuuuugary tea whilst ol' twinkle toes decided on a light platter consisting of 3 fried eggs, 4 cumberland sausages, a gammon steak and 5 rashers of streaky bacon, all washed down by a pot of sweet Yorkshire tea - eeeh chuffin' pork heaven!

After a mid morning stroll along the promenade Maurice nipped off for a quick bet whilst I went back to the hotel room to take my medication (for my career ending chronic gout and high blood pressure).

After catching up with Maurice at 2.00pm back on the North pier we had arranged to go and meet one of my old friends Judith Chalmers who was up North filming a segment on Blackpool for "Wish you were here". I've known Judith for donkeys years and she was a particular tower of strength during my very public breakdown a few years back, rumours still persist that Judith and I have a carnal history but I can confirm now that it's not fookin' true, granted if the chance arose I probably would have had my fill as Judith is a fine, good looking woman but alas we are good chuffin' friends and no more.

After sharing a pot of tea and a couple of cream horn's with Judith we bid our farewells as I had planned to honour a sacred promise I had made over 2 years ago to my old late friend master butcher Selwyn Corbett, just before his senseless murder Selwyn had pleaded with me that if he ever perished he wanted his ashes to be cast into the cold, polluted sea at Blackpool. As a man of honour I had no choice but to grant him his wishes, and so at about 4.00pm I strolled down to the sea front with dear old Selwyn's tin of ashes under my coat, with a tear in my eye I gingerley loosened the old biscuit tin lid and removed it, steadying myself and with tears now streaming down my face I leant forward but suddenly a huge gust of wind swept forward and sent my dead butcher friends ashes flying in a thick, grey cloud all over me (and my favourite fookin' blazer - the inconsiderate bastid!) dusting myself down I began to snigger and afforded myself a gentle laugh before tears of joy and mirth again began to well in my eyes. I must have looked a sight as me ol' twinkle toes Sheepsy strode valiantly back to my B&B covered in a fookin' dead man's ash giggling hysterically......hee hee what a fookin' palaver!!

Maurice chuckled as I retold my story and as we strolled down the promenade that night we both laughed with delight as we skipped along without a care in the world......That last night was a perfect end to a beltin' weekend as after dancing the night away at the Tower Ballroom I bumped into Joyce again and enjoyed a romantic late night stroll along the beach and some tasteful, respectful shennanigans back in my hotel room before she left to return home to her husband and I met Maurice at a late night gentlemans club for some bawdy entertainment including my old pal Burton Curle doing an impromptu stand up spot and a few exotic dancers! fook I had too look away as in old Les's book THAT wasn't dance but live and let live I say, these girls were making a good living out of their "saucy act" and with added tips etc they can't be knocked so I respectfully doff my cap to them, the fookin' proud beauties!!!!!!!

New poll - Pig's Trotter Vs pork chop!?!?

I can confirm that I have a new poll started today (just for fun!)

Everybody knows that pork is the staple of all good, homely British dishes but what is the best form? that's up to YOU! Yes you the British public have to decide on your favourite pork based product, whether you are partial to a nice sausage or prefer a tasty pickled trotter the choice is yours.....

The choices are at the bottom of the page! - happy voting and remember Pork is what makes this country great!!!

Tantrums, tears and pork loin memories....(Part 1)

How do folks! well it's been an eventful old weekend for me, one full of top notch japes, fish suppers, pork loin memories, some no strings attached shennanigans, and the glorious, sensual dance that is the Samba!!

It all began on Friday morning when my good friend Maurice Shoteley pulled up outside my 5 bedroom mock tudor mini-mansion in his black Bentley, yes we were about to set out on our annual Blackpool beano, a jolly boys outing if you like for Maurice and me. Originating from the mid 70's the "Pig Trotters Seaside Bonanza" began life as a chance for Maurice, Selwyn and ol' twinkle toes to recharge our batteries with some sea air and scrapes! However since the terrible death of our old pal butcher Selwyn Corbett a few years back Maurice and myself have vowed to keep the knees up going as a glowing tribute to the memory of dear Selwyn.....

Anyway we promptly set off in Maurices car and arrived in my spiritual home at midday after a quick brunch stop at a little chef on the way! (Maurice opted for a pot of tea and 5 large doughnuts whilst I selected a full English "porkfest" including baked beans, 3 rashers of bacon, chips, mushrooms, 3 pork and leek sausages, fried bread, scrambled eggs, a gammon steak, and a side order of sumptious black pooding!! it was a beltin' fry up I can confirm!!

Upon arrival at the 4 star "Sunnydale" hotel at Blackpool it quickly emerged that blinkin' old Maurice hadn't confirmed the reservation and so the hotel was fully booked...anyway after an hour and a half of scouring the streets we finally we managed to get a "cosy" double room at the basic but homely "Shepperton" B&B on Regent Street facing the majestic North pier. After unpacking our bags and a quick wash and brush up we hit the town, I had decided to change into my 1979 beige safari suit with maroon silk cravat whilst Maurice slipped into his comfy favourite blue Farah slacks and a nice grey slazenger v-neck pullover/green polo shirt look. After a leisurely stroll down the golden mile we stopped off for a quick port or 2 in a local Wetherspoons hostilery before having a wander onto the North pier to check out which cabaret acts were lined up. Well chuffin hell the first thing we saw was a poster advertising my old pal Burton Curle, I was flabbergasted as old Burty has rarely worked since an ill judged performance at a fundraising do for the Terence Higgins trust 2 years ago. It was all a simple error - Burton's bumbling agent mis-booked him for the bash thinking it was a former coal miners do in Wakefield when in fact it was a black tie dinner/cabaret evening for the mincing charity down in London!! anyone who knows their stand up comedy will vouch that yes old Burty can be a bit blue and sometimes a tad risky but it's all good humoured innocent fun much like other misunderstood comic greats like Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning, suffice to say Burton made a harmless joke about "backs to the wall" and all hell broke loose! oh well some people take themselves far too seriously!!

After a stick of candyfloss and a quick tram ride we retired back to our hotel room for a brief siesta'. After showering and changing into our best suits Maurice and myself hit the Blackpool tower and a return to my spiritual home - the Tower fookin' Ballroom!!!

I must confess I had mixed emotions on returning to the beautiful gilded ballroom as I haven't been back their since those outdated fools at the BBC decided to axe my "Lesters Funtime Hour!" t.v. show from it's Saturday night slot a few years back. Granted viewing figures were initially dissapointing but it was early days and I believe I could have pulled it round in time. I had some first class acts lined up but those foolish bastids at the Beeb had other plans, they wanted cheesy modern acts like McFly, Busted and squeaky voiced joker Joe Pasquale whilst I had pencilled in a long overdue screen return for funnyman Roger De Courcy and Nookie Bear, The multi-talented Bucks Fizz and my dear old friend Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich sidekick!!!

We arrived at about 7.30pm and promptly took our seats in a private VIP area roped off from the public, thanks to the kindness of ballroom manger Stan Tressle (cheers Stan son!) No offence to the dear OAP's and dance fans who tend to frequent the tower ballroom but you must understand that as a multiple ballroom title winning veteran I need my privacy too and urge all followers of the medium of dance to please respect that....but after a few more ports I suddenly felt the familiar warm tingling sensation in my feet, yes my "feet of flames" were starting to heat up and I had little option but to follow my heart and take too the dancefloor. I plucked a lucky lady from a nearby table and gave her the waltz of her life, it was fookin' intoxicating I tell you, aaah the beauty of dance!

I have to confess readers that I think my heart briefly fluttered, and I felt the familiar pulsating warm feel that I haven't felt since dear old Mater' was taken away by the angels (well that fookin' rotter Lockett!!!!) - Joyce and I literally danced the night away, we did everything, the pasa doble, the rhumba, the waltz and finally the dance of lovers - the samba!! it was truly a wondrous evening and after an intimate late night pork-loin dinner at a nearby carvery the 67 year old Joyce and I returned to my hotel room. By this time I had slipped Maurice a fiver to keep out of the way for an hour or so (the last I heard he was winning £60 in the penny arcade on the North pier!!) so Joyce and I could continue our dance of passion in privacy. After what seemed like hours of beautiful, torrid lovemaking I escorted Joyce to the high street and pointed her in the direction of a mini-cab firm before dashing back to the ballroom to meet up with Maurice.


After signing several autographs and chatting to my public I was feeling rather tired and emotional so Maurice and I downed our last Cherry Brandy chasers and decided on stopping off on the way home for some scran! - 1st stop was the legendary "Cap'n Barnacle's" fish bar on Chisleworth Avenue. Maurice ordered a sausage in batter with chips, peas and gravy and old Les went for a large tray of chips, pea juice and some "Fish thumpers!" - you really haven't dined until you have experienced the sheer joy of a proccessed fish thumper, How they do it I don't know but at a push I'd guess that off cuts of cod and plaice are combined with potato textured granules, preservatives, monosodium glutamate, flavour enhancers and lashings of salt before being ground into a fishy paste then deepfried in dripping......oooh fookin' lovely!!!!

I'll update Saturdays remarkable events as soon as I can, must dash now as I have to visit dear Toby's shrine in Barrow in Furness cemetry, the poor old lads plot needs a bit of a clean up and some fresh flowers laid down for him, the proud lad! whilst there I will stop by Mater's plot and have a few quiet words before returning home to update on my Blackpool bonanza!!

Poll results! Pick your favourite past Les partner!

Well since the poll opened last week literally dozens of you have been voting for your favourite partner, the votes have been counted and I can confirm that with a huge majority the winner is.............

MAVIS FEKKIT - yes that's right, the highly respected Florence Yeast ran her a close 2nd place but you the great British public have decided that Mavis is your most beloved of my former partners. Unfortunately I am unable to contact Mavis to gain her thoughts and feelings on this prestigious honour. Due to a ridicilous, archaic restraining order I am unable to be within 100 yards of Mavis or her husband businessman Lucifer Entwhistle but suffice to say I'm sure that she would be delighted by the news.

My lawyer is still currently in the process of trying to have the said restraining order removed as I am nothing of a threat to Mavis, obviously I can't really talk about this matter as it is a legal issue but all I can say that is that I am innocent and will not rest to my name is cleared, fookin' ell!