This is really no time for pleasantries friends as I'm chuffin' fuming!! I've been had folks - honestly!
It all began one day last week when I recieved a rather dubious brown paper parcel in the post.....on opening the package I thought I was going to have a fookin' stroke, I swear I nearly put my silk slippered dancing foot right through my brand new £1000 44" HD ready flat screen television! inside was a "DVD", I can hardly bring myself to repeat the title again but here goes........this filth was called "Maude Does Scarborough!!" what a palaver!
It appears that my agent and manager Maurice Shoteley when updating my blog profile for me recently "clumsily" listed one of my favourite DVD's as the above mentioned title rather than the much more innocent "Maude Bristows Scarborough Ballroom Master Class" - the useless fooker'!! anyway it seems that the films twisted creators believed that I was interested in their twisted world of filth!! Now I've known Maude for over 35 years and she is one of the most repected ballroom tutors in the business and is in no way connected the above dubious XXX rated abomination.....no Sir Maude's DVD is a 2 and a half hour introduction to ballroom, a harmless and educational tribute to the medium and it's many golden treasures, whereas as far as I can tell the other DVD certainly isn't!!
For your own protection comrades (and to ensure that you don't make the same foolish mistake that I, erm....sorry MAURICE made!) here is the synopsis on the obscene disc according to the box - I have obviously had to censure some words and vile phrases for your own sakes.
"HARD CHOICE PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS HARD GERIATRIC S*X ACTION JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT! - JOIN 78 YEAR OLD MAUDE AS SHE F***S HERE WAY THROUH SOME OF SCARBOROUGHS HOTTEST YOUNG STUDS! - YES IT'S NO HOLDS BARRED XXX ACTION AS THE INSATIABLE AND VASTLY EXPERIENCED GRANDMOTHER OF 8 ENJOYS *NAL/DP/GANG BANG AND GIRL ON GIRL ACTION IN THE HOT BRITISH SEASIDE RESORT!
Fook me folks I apologise once again for the above filth, I tell you honestly I'm heaving just thinking about it but I thought it only fair of me to warn you about the offensive nature of the said film, I shall be passing the disc onto my lawyer Uttoxeter Arbroath to ensure that the films makers can make a full and very public apology to myself....but in the meantime I shall study the foul DVD (for research purposes) a few more times to ensure that this kind of deprivating oversight never happens again!
To be fair though folks for a 78 year old Maude certainly makes a good fist of things, erm pardon the pun and indeed knows a few tricks and is quite an agile performer for her advancing years so in the interests of fair play and freedom of speech I say "Good on yer Maude yer game old girl - your a credit to the world of hardcore porn you proud old beauty!!!!"
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