How do minions!
Firstly I have to say that I was totally bewildered this week to discover that first rate dance choreographer the alluringly bewitching Arlene Phillips has been dropped from the next series of the BBC's tacky ballroom show "Strictly..." - what a fookin' travesty and no mistake! apart from being a fine panelist and dance expert old Arlene is also a top notch bit of "mature" crumpet too and will be sorely missed by many, especially men of a certain age and persuasion like my good self!! Arlene you have been a fookin' treasure and fine servant to the world of dance choerography - I fookin' salute you yer proud beauty!
Interesting though to see that the simpering old twot Len kept his job - enough said! I'm not being bitter but as I was just saying to my cheeky red setter puppy Jimbo an hour ago over a few pickled pigs trotter's - "You have to move on Jimbo old son, you'll never hear old Sheepsy bearing a grudge...." - The BBC eh!?!? what a bunch of fookin' bastids.......
Well folks my autobiography is still selling by the dozens and to celebrate reaching the 1000 copies sold (since 2003!!) mark I am delighted to publish the following excerpt from the said bestseller!!
Coming up are some intriguing revelations on the awful 1985 red-setter allegations!:-
"It all began back in May 1985 when I was booked by my loyal agent and manager Maurice Shoteley to open a new wing in the Barrow in Furness dogs home, the said building was a first rate, start of the art luxury outhouse for the purpose of exterminating malingering and sickly, work-shy dogs...anyway after the grand red ribbon ceremony had ended and I had concluded my amusing speech I proceeded to have a leisurely wander around the premises when suddenly I heard a panicked cry of 'Look out, run away red setter!!' - I quickly looked behind me and there was a lovely, glossy haired red setter wagging his tail and smiling at me regally! as a treat I tickled his belly and ruffled his head but unfortunately this made the cheeky canine scamp rather excited and as he leapt up to lick my face I was knocked off balance and sent flying back, in the process catching my beige Farah's on a precarious rusty hook attached to a gate. 'Fook!' I thought as I inspected the damage to my £30.00 slacks, unknown to me in the excitement the pesky setter had also snagged and loosened my belt with his teeth forcing my sand coloured trousers to slowly fall to the ground!!! this made the dog even more agitated and upset so in a flash of inspiration I bent down and innocently straddled him and began to comfort the lovely lad. I accept looking back at the scene that it may have looked a bit suspect but I was honestly just consoling the parentless setter and in no way was I carrying out any form of foul, bestial, twisted canine shennanigans!!
After the fuss had died down I tragically learned that the cheeky setter was named Toby and he was due to face the lethal injection later that same day due to no one wanting the unlucky furry lad, in a moment of overwhelming generosity I decided to adopt him my self and give him a home at my palatial mock tudor 5 bedroom mini mansion in the wealthy area of Barrow!! sadly by this time a pesky chuffin' hack from a downmarket tabloid had cruelly snapped the offending scene and had already begun a campaign of slander and harrasment against me that would drag on for 18 painful months until my tarnished name was finally cleared.......even to this day I am still haunted by the title of the 'Beast of Barrow' but thankfully justice was done and Toby and myself enjoyed many glorious years of friendship and companionship, right up until his callous and pointless murder back in 2004........"
Keep well ballroom lovers!
Always yours Les....xxx
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