Forgive me Mater' for I have sinned....

Yes it's true my loyal friends, the title says it all - you may recall that back in March how I regaled you all with my seemingly innocent and joyful tales of the true love that I had finally found with sweet, florid Alma? well I can confirm that the old fookin' trout faced, gammy legged scrote was only a chuffin' goldigger!!! Aye intent on stealing old Twinkletoes heart (and more importantly cash!) for her own blessed, immoral gains!!

I must say that I did have my suspicions quite early on in our "relationship". For example whenever we dined out at one of my many favourite pork based carvery's I more often than not found myself footing the bill! now I'm no dinosaur readers and I know all about chivilary and honour and yes I'm not short of a few bob being the true Ballroom legend and all round dance impressario that I am but come on this is 1973, erm sorry 2008 and surely in this day of equal rights and womens lib the fairer sex should sometimes take the financial initiative as it were and put there hand in there purses!?? fook me backwards with one of my old synthetic dancing galoshes!!! secondly I happened to one day fatefully spy upon one of Alma's screwed up bank statements in my kitchen bin which showed a balance of just £9.08.....the old crow had told me she was very comfortably well off after her late husband Buxton had left her a cool £800,000 from the sale of his haulage firm 3 months previously! and finally I heard a sobering and gut-renching conversation a few weeks ago, one that rocked my world to the very fookin' core!!!

I awoke at about 11.45pm that fateful Tuesday evening and softly reached out to put my arm around old Alma for a quick caress (and maybe even a late-night love dance of our loins if I was very lucky!!) only to find that she wasn't there, "she's probably gone downstairs for a glass of water" I thought to myself or maybe to take one of her industrial strength painkillers if her gammy hoof was playing up again. Softly and lovingly I crept downstairs and loitered briefly in the hallway in order to surprise my dear, sweet love when suddenly I heard a whispering, hushed voice from the living room, it was only fookin' Alma talking on her new snazzy mobile phone (yes the one I'd chuffin' bought her only that week for £90.00!) - well the words I heard dear readers will haunt me to the day I die and finally am reunited with my beloved Mater'! I find it hard to relive and even think about that moment now but it turns out that she was only going to Marry me and get me to sign all my estate and modest wealth over to her, she had been plotting this foul, devious game of deception apparently with her alleged dead husband Buxton for over six months and had even instigated the very day we had met in the supermarket some months back, well fook me I was truly shattered and so after composing myself I swiftly pasa-dobled into the front room and after executing one of my infamous, legendary short-thrust, touch-toes pelvic quinnel moves I grabbed her by the arm and angrily flung her down crashing onto to my precious chaise lounge', after a desperatley half hearted plea by Alma that "it had all been some dreadful mistake" on my part and that she really, truly loved me the hardened old snatch only tried to imply that I was senile and had simply imagined the whole thing. Well I was chuffin' furious and so before you could say "Pasa-doble'" I threw her out the front door quickly followed by her suitcase and shoddy belongings!!!

I can't convey to you my true friends how low I feel at this moment in time, I feel even lower than I did back in the summer of 1964 after I finally lost my history making unbeaten streak of 34 victorious dance competitions. Yes you may recall that I was beaten by that camp, horsefooted simpering twot Austin Lockett in very suspicious circumstances indeed!! But getting back to Alma, I truly believed that she was the one loyal friends, as you may remember I had even redecorated Mater's shrine and had virtually wiped almost all trace of precious Hinge from my 5 bedroomed Barrow mock Tudor mansion for that woman, Maters' shrine is now gone, fook knows how much it will cost me to put it right again!! but it's not just about money folks it's about love, trust and faith and once again I have been decieved by a woman....This is precisely why I have never really let anyone into my life apart from sweet silvery haired Mater.

I'm so very sorry Mater' I know I have let you down greatly but if you can forgive me I promise on this day to honour and cherish your sacred memory until the day I perish and am reunited with you in heaven, me sat gingerly smiling with a large sweet sherry and a Corbetts "special range" luxury scotch egg and you tugging on your precious 1942 Wetherby-Foxwaite hunting pipe with an unfeasibly large pork pie in your hand!!!!!

It's just you and me from now on Mater', just you and fookin me yer proud beauty!!!

Needless to say my many loyal, devoted showbiz friends have been virtual towers of strength....Judith Chalmers has been in touch has as that old trooper and former lover of mine Angela Rippon, Roger De Courcy has also dropped me an e-mail or two and as ever ol' Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich sidekick have been rocks!!!