Celebrity Master Chef....what a fookin' palaver!

Well folks, firstly heartfelt apologies about the huge delay in updating my blog but as you'll find out soon enough I've been a bit busy of late and so my on-line journal has had to take second place to the myriad of aromatic pork/heart touching wonders and shenanigans going on in my life at the minute!! It's been a right chuffin' conundrum trying to keep this one to myself but fook it I have to tell you - you may have or not read in the press lately that popular BBC cooking show "Celebrity Masterchef" is returning to our screens soon and yes ol' Twinkletoes has been approached to take part!! I was a bit dubious at first when my agent Maurice Shoteley briefed me about the offer but any tv is good tv and also being a keen amateur cook I thought why not? I'll give it a whirl!

Firstly I have to confirm that my opinion of both judges on the show has definitley changed since my heat was filmed four weeks ago though, the shiny headed vegetable expert with the glasses seems a cheeky, cockney chappie on the tv but off screen he was a first class sh*tter to me I have to say, throughout the whole two days filming he rarely offered any of us much real constructive critisism, nay it was all fookin' digs and putdowns!!......the Torode rotter wasn't much better either and as you'll see when the series is aired the Ausie fooker royally slaughtered my truly innovative all-pork based menu!! anyway more of that later!

Upon arrival at Masterchef HQ I was informed by the young BBC production bint that I was cooking against Welsh hurdling journeyman Colin Jackson and 1980's synth pop star Howard Jones....well what a pair of twots and no mistake. I suppose to be fair Jackson has achieved quite a bit in his chosen sport and does do some valuable charity work I'm told but Jones really fookin' grated on me....he spent most of the two days boring all and sundry with tales of synth-pop trivia and endless boasts of his carnal conquests back in the day! - honestly you wouldn't find me publicly airing my loves and past partners via the spoken OR written word! fook off Jones and take your mental chains with you yer chuffin' idiot....sorry about that little rant there readers but it makes my blood boil I tell you.....in my day you had to earn celebrity status through sheer hard work and talent but not now......the likes of Gloria Hunniford, Angela Rippon, Royston "Titch" Tinders (1967 British Ballroom mens runner up), Bernie Clifton and Burton Curle etc would be turning in there collective graves now (if erm any of them were errr actually dead that is.

Anyway first up was the quick invention round where we had to design and cook a dish of our own choice from a selection of ingredients including tinned tomatoes, pasta, green peppers, salmon fillets, new potatoes, asparagus tips, broadbeans and some.....PORK MINCE!! yes I thought I'm safe - I soon got to work on a simple yet tasty starter of a sumptous, pan fried pork nudger on a bed of sauteted' new potatos with garlic and broadbeans smothered in the rendered pork fat from my old meaty nudger!....eeeh it was manna from pork-heaven I tell you.....sadly the judges weren't as enamoured as myself and so after a critical mauling ("lack of seasoning", "do you think a pork BURGER is good enough to progress in this competition really?", pork burger!?!?!? the cheeky rotters! anyway we were sent to a top London Italian restaraunt for the next round and thats when thing started to really hot up!

After donning our comical kitchen wear and amusing chef hats we were all assigned seperate dishes, Jackson was doing the starter of tomato, basil and mozarella tartlets whilst synth pop fooker Jones was assigned the dessert of traditional Tiramisu......whilst ol Les drew the short straw and was given the highly complicated task of ricotta raviloli in a herb and tomato based sauce....well fook I had to make the pasta fresh myself, stuff the fookin raviolis, skin the tomatos myself to make the sauce...fookin hell I thought, To make matters worse in the midst of afternoon service who sauntered in to the plush "Mantioni's" restaraunt of the West End but my old showbiz pal and mucker Nicholas Parsons!!! well I had to say hello it would be rude not to and so after a swift three sweet sherries and a nice wander down memory lane with old Parso' it was back to the pass for me and a quick b*llocking from the head chef Bruno!!! Eeh the chuffin' fooker!

Anyway after 2 hours of torrid service we all muddled through and then it was back to Masterchef HQ for the final round where we had to make a 3 course meal of our own design.......

For my menu I had chosen a bold starter of a pigs trotter pickled in balsamic vinegar, basil and worcester sauce on a bed of spinach with crispy bacon bits scattered around it, for my main I opted for an innovative and inventive pan Asian/British pork-fusion dish consisting of pigs kidneys, seasoned in flour and spices and carefully pan fried, served with egg noodles, sweet and sour vegetables and local Barrow reared black pudding slithers with a refreshing minty mushy pea and lime couli...eeeh it was a fookin' delight to my tastebuds! I tell you Heston Blumental would have been proud of old Lesley!!

And finally for my dessert I went all out for a highly experimental dish of a gammon and pineapple infused jelly with a handmade vanilla ice cream and thin maple syruped bacon wafers, well what can I say the fookers hated it, as I stated earlier Greg described it as a "culinary abomination!" and at one point had to stop filming to retch into a nearby bin whilst the Aussie feller described it as "truly a bizzare and obscene mish mash of flavours and styles, an insult to goodtaste and cooking!!" well needless to say I didn't go through to the next round as Colin Jackson clinced it with his safe traditional Welsh menu.....but I had a good few days of fun at the BBC's expense and I'd like to say a made some new friends on the way but I fookin' didn't.

Anyway before you could say "pasa doble" I had foxtrotted my way out of the back door and straight back to my four star hotel to meet up with Alma, after a quick shower us two old lovers of the dance world began making sensual based love on the floor of our sumptious hotel room, although at one point poor old Alma's gammy leg began to seize up with acute excruciating, raging pins and needles but after a few sweet sherries and a rubdown from old Lesley we resumed our intense dance of love before I treated Alma to a top notch roast pork dinner at a fine carvery in London's west end!! all in all it was a good three days in the capital!

Until next time, farewell!!

The Sacred Splendor of True Love.....

Alma and myself last week recreating our fateful first meeting by the checkout in Sainsburys for all you good, good people!! (Below)



Eeeeh, chuffin' fook....!! firstly folks sorry for not posting for a while but I've been snowed under, things have been really good in "Lesley-land" this past month, the new musical/dance extravaganza is finally going swimmingly well, my "accidental" tax evasion shennanigans seem to be resolved and yes personally things finally seem to be looking up for ol' twinkle toes also, for dear readers I hope not to tempt fate but I think I have found love.......YES the age old gift of romance, hearts and flowers and joy seems to be fluttering in old Sheepsy's heart once again! I won't go into too much detail but I literally "bumped" into Alma a few weeks ago as she was limping at the check out section of my local Sainsburys....... I knew instantly that we had much in common, for nestling in her rusty metal shopping basket were two luscious pork chops, a gammon steak, a packet of bacon, some prime pork and apple sausages and a fine pork joint!!! eeh fookin' chuff I thought to myself as I clicked my heels and danced a nimble little rhumba move to announce my arrival in Almas life! it also later turned out that she was only a lover of the medium of ballroom to boot, I thought all my christmases had come at once!

I'm pretty sure that Alma won't mind me being so candid and frank with you my loyal fans but well we got talking and after a large tea and a cheese and ham toastie in my local cafe' things began to really simmer and before you could say "chuffin' fook" we were back at my palatial 5 bedroom mock tudor mini mansion, romping and cavorting on the pristine plastic covered bed in Mater's shrine....I'll never forget the euphoric emotions and sheer joy I felt as I gifted the sprightly 76 year old Alma with all my lifetimes wisdom of dance based sexual prowess and vigour, and I'd like to think that she would enjoy the memory for a long time too. Excuse my coarseness readers but I can't help myself, I'm in love - it's the real fookin' thing I tell you!!!

You may also be surprised by the location of our sacred love making, as Mater's shrine has been a place of solemn reflection for me for many a year but I tell you as soon as I saw Alma limping by the cash register I knew there and then that she was the proud beauty who could finally help me to lay the memory of Mater' to rest, I've lived in the past for far too long, spending my time wrestling with the glorious ghost of Mater' I have to move on and yes certainly I must keep the sacred memory of Mater in my heart but I have to start living again, for the sake of my own chuffin' sanity if nothing else. Well within a week of our whirlwind courtship I had ripped out all memory of Hinge from that cold, morgue of a bedroom and have converted it into a boys game's room complete with a billiard table, a fridge stocked with a large consignment of vintage sherry, a few bottles of brown ale and some tasty pork based bar snacks such as sausage rolls, scotch eggs and some of the legendary "Corbetts porky herby pork pies", a juke box, a few vintage one armed bandits, a domino table and a wonderful authentic 1967 "shove ha'penny board!!! eeh it's fookin' smashin' a chuffin' belter.......suffice to say I couldn't escape from the hazy memories of Hinge completely so all her precious belongings and trinkets are divided between my loft at home and a big imposing, soulless cold storage room down at "Easy-Storage!" in Barrow!!!

Anyway as I say I feel on top of the world, it's like something from my one of my dear old friend and romantic novelist Kendall Fontaine's lovely books and I'm pretty sure that old Mater will be looking down on me from heaven, tugging on her pipe as she enjoys a scotch egg or two resplendent in a shimmering ballgown with her silvery lard encrusted hair thinking "eeh fookin' hell Les son, good on yer!!!! I forgive you lad!"

The only low point of the last month has been that my pesky agonising gout has really flared up so I have been forced to use a walking stick for the last few weeks, not good I tell you but ol' Les will be back gliding and skipping before you can say "Rhumba"!!!

I'll never forget Mater' readers but I'm not a young man anymore and in Alma I've found a real proud beauty..........so till next time keep on pasa-dobling and keep your dancing trotters twitching!

Eeeh such sweet fookin' memories!!

Whilst sifting through one of my dusty old scrapbooks just now I stumbled across this press release from the "Barrow in Furness Evening News" dated June the 17th 1985 and just HAD to share it with you my loyal fans.....

"Maurice Shoteley enterprises presents in conjunction with Corbetts master butchers of Barrow:-

"LESTER SHEEPSHANKS in CAP'N LESTER AND HIS BARNACLED SHEEPY SHANKS!"

An extravaganza of music, cabaret and dance for all the family,

Starring Lester Sheepshanks, Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich, Bernie Nolan, Gary Wilmott, the Brian Rogers dancers and a full supporting cast!!!

Ballroom maestro Lester Sheepshanks is Cap'n Lester, a sea-faring friendly sea-dog with a cheeky glint in his eye and the proud custodian of the good ship Hinge', with his crew of loveable pirate rogues including Bernie Clifton as Jim the cabin boy and his pet ostrich Oswald they are on a mission to bring peace, harmony and ballroom dancing to the seas...!!!

With nearly 90 minutes of whip-cracking humour and dance fun this wacky show is a must for all the family and is sure to open to packed house's so get your tickets now....!!!"

Such sweet fookin' memories!! - what a chuffin' show that was!!!!

Regrets, fate, tax evasion and Zhu Za tang (Pigs organ soup!)

How do folks, well what can I say? it's been a few fookin' awful couple of weeks for me and make no mistake...you may have already read in the national and local press that things have not been going too well for the impending production of "CHUFFIN' HELL, WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!"

I can now unfortunately confirm that the vicious rumours and twisted stories are sadly true, yes we have had to pull the plug on our original grand plan of taking the show around the rundown backstreet theatres of the country before hitting the West End, which is a fookin' disaster in itself as I know a beltin' little pork carvery establishment just off Shaftesbury Avenue!! believe me they do a top pork loin roast served with buuuter glazed pan fried asparagus, sauted' potatoes and green beans - but never mind instead we will be doing a week long residency at the Theatre Royal in Barrow in Furness and hopefully things will develop from there. At the end of the day it all came down to that old fookin' evil money...and chuffin' lack of it, no one is to blame really but it turns out that my accountant Mr.Lipton Yeast-Smythe had not been depositing my tax contrubutions for the last 12 months causing a few slight financial problems so now it seems that old Lesley is at the mercy of the tax-man, the fookin' bastid!!! as I was funding 85% of the production from my own wallet then obviously a problem has arisen. I'll see that old twot Yeast-Smythe goes down for this the old fooker!!!! needless to say this is a worrying and stressful time for me but my legal brief Mr.Uttoxeter Arbroath assures me that this little oversight can be rectified in time and hopefully I won't end up doing time and even worse lose my beloved and cherished 5 bedroom mock tudor mini-mansion that I adore so much, chuffin' ell -what a palaver'!

Anyway massive financial worries aside the show will go on and who knows after a successful week in Barrow in Furness maybe Bill Kenwright or old Lloyd-Webber himself may step in and save the day, stranger things have happened at sea and I did after all give private Cha cha cha lesson's to Bill's wife back in the late 70's so who can tell - if your reading this son then go on you owe me one big lad!!

Sitting on my £1,500 bespoke chaise-lounge yesterday evening I began to ponder over that fateful old conundrum fate......what might have happened if things had been different. If I had only met my 1st wife Glenda a few years earlier then who knows? there may be a few young Lester Juniors gracing the ballrooms of Brtitain today. If Mater hadn't have been taken away from me so brutally then she too may be here in my 5 bedroom mini-mansion sharing my massive ballroom success, innocent joy and the intense love of pork that I enjoy today.

As I lay there stretched out balancing a piping hot bowl of Pigs organ soup on my lap (you must try this sumptious and delicious broth, I first came across it back in 1985 on one of Selwyn Corbetts annual jollies out to Thailand to find himself a young Thai "Boy" Bride - the frisky, twisted chuffer!! - as you kow I'm a man of the world and as broadminded and liberal as they come but I'm not sure about the old Bangkok lady boys.....? look like a girl, but a bit manly too? oooh it's not fookin' for me I tell you! - anyway back to the pigs organ soup, it is basically the finest pig intestines, hog's blood, tender pork slices, strips of salted vegetables and some Chinese lettuce lightly simmered with some sliced red chilli in dark soy sauce....eeeh it's fookin' heaven I tell you. As I said earlier we discovered it in some cockroach infested back street market whilst good ol' Selwyn was trawling the streets of Bangkok to find himself a nice young lady boy!!) anyway I digress - but the union of regret and fate certainly is a fickle fookin' conundrum!?!!?!?? - as I sat lieing there watching a repeat of my 1967 British championship pairs win from Blackpool I really did consider that age old puzzle of fookin' fate and regret!! but it's very late now and ol' twinkle toes must get his head down for some shut eye, till the next time dance fans!!!

The King of Comedy? - Arise Bernie Clifton!!!

Yes it's official, you the great British public have decided that good old Bernie is the nations number 1 of comedy, good on you - with his hilarious ostrich sidekick Oswald, Bernie Clifton has been making people laugh for decades, from royal variety performances to opening village fetes old Bernie has seen it all! from panel guest on "Blankety blank" to his own Carpet ad on Granada Tv......Bernie son we salute yer!!!!


After being informed of this prestigious accolade Bernie last night said "Eeeh, really?!?! chuffin' hell - what a treat, what an honour!! I'm proud to serve this great nation of ours as king of comedy...thanks a million folks!!"


A massive 42% of you decreed that Bernie deserved this special accolade, the unlucky runner ups were Roger De Courcy, Duncan Norvelle, Eddie Large and the vastly talented Bobby Davro!!

The show must go on...!!

(Inset) Burton Curle






Hi there Rhumba fans,

Well how things can change in a week, this time last week we were just starting initial rehearsals for my latest production "CHUFFIN' HELL WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!" and now a week later and the whole show seems to be in disarray! but no sir, not if old Les has anything to do with it! - If you can remember last Monday poor old Roger De Courcy rather comically fell from the stage and sustained a badly sprained ankle, initially we believed the hilarious,happless ventriliquist would be back on his feet in a few days but we have learned that old Roger will now be laid up for at least 2 months, leaving me with no choice but to appoint a replacement, the show must go on!!

After several intense hours of discussions and debate with agent Maurice Shoteley and co-producer Roger Cutlet we finally decided to pull out all the stops to ensure the success of the show. It was decided that money was no object and so after much deliberation we whittled it down to a shortlist of hugely talented candidates, but who?? the role of the "ghost of Dixon Wimpole" is highly central to the plot so we went for only the best!! the final 3 on our list were:- the impressive ventriliquist Keith Harris (and Orville) who seemed ideal for the part, sadly Keith is terribly busy at the moment and is fully booked up with work till next summer, which left us with the witty, camp entertainer Duncan Norvelle and the vastly underated stand up comic Burton Curle! - in the end disscussions with Duncan broke down due to "niggling contractual and financial issues" so in the end we decided to give the job to the quickwitted, course Northern comedian Burton Curle!!

Admittedly some eyebrows were raised when old Burty was offered the role but I truly believe that this is a once in a lifetime chance for him to reinvent himself and indeed resurrect his career, it could be old Burton's final chance of comedic redemption and being a fine stand up comic he has all the skills required to make the part his own. Remember cheeky cockney comic Mike Reid and his life changing switch to serious straight, acting as Frank Butcher in "Eastenders"?! No-one gave him a chance did they? - but old Mike did it.....well I believe that Burton can do the same, if he can rein in his maverick comic approach we'll be onto a winner, he may struggle a bit initially with the slick dance moves but I'm determined to convert my old friend into a fleetfooted, gliding, graceful peformer! if anyone can do it then ol' Sheepsy can!!!!!

So with Burton stepping into the breach rehearsals resumed in earnest. With Bernie Clifton excelling in the lead role of Dr.Branston Wimpole and Ruth Madoc delighting cast members and crew alike as Branstons mother "Myrtle" things were back on track again! the dancers were wonderful, the songs were sounding fantastic, the humour and jokes were flowing and I realised there and then that we just might have a potential west end smash-hit on our hands - I'm happy to report that rehearsals are still going really well and can confirm that we are due to open at the Theatre Royal in Batley on March 18th followed by nights at Skegness, Blackpool, Morecambe, Barrow and a host of other fine provincial towns (check press for details) thats right folks, put a note in your diary and warm up your dancing trotters because the show of the year is coming your fookin' way! watch out Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber!!!!!

I have a gut feeling that this production could be the making of myself and the cast, the choreography is looking superb if I do say so myself, Roger Cutlet has written some truly fine songs like "Oh no Pater has gout!", "The ballad of Branston and Rita", and the rip roaring, show stopping finale' "Eeeeh what a palaver!!!". The biggest surprise for me though has been Burton Curles proffesional transformation. Like a perspiring overweight, recovering alcoholic phoenix rising from the flames old Burty has gone from stand in warm up man at the World Darts championship at the Lakeside to potential West end success!! god bless you son Burton - your a chuffin' trooper and a credit to light entertainment!!!

Till next time folks, keep dancing!

Lesley x

Britains true King of Comedy!?

What a question eh? chuffin' fook! - during over 50 years in showbiz I must have worked with them all....yes all the chuffin comedy greats. From Sid Little to to the Chuckle brothers I must have shared stages with the lot of em', but as the cryptic question asks - who really is the true British king of comedy!!?!?

Where would we be without the delightful joy of laughter? well as I have been blessed with the true gift of having truly amazing gifted dancing trotters I'd probably be ok but for you my loyal fans tell me just who is the world leader pretend of comic japery!!!

See the bottom of the page to select your choice!

Happy voting!