The King of Comedy? - Arise Bernie Clifton!!!

Yes it's official, you the great British public have decided that good old Bernie is the nations number 1 of comedy, good on you - with his hilarious ostrich sidekick Oswald, Bernie Clifton has been making people laugh for decades, from royal variety performances to opening village fetes old Bernie has seen it all! from panel guest on "Blankety blank" to his own Carpet ad on Granada Tv......Bernie son we salute yer!!!!


After being informed of this prestigious accolade Bernie last night said "Eeeh, really?!?! chuffin' hell - what a treat, what an honour!! I'm proud to serve this great nation of ours as king of comedy...thanks a million folks!!"


A massive 42% of you decreed that Bernie deserved this special accolade, the unlucky runner ups were Roger De Courcy, Duncan Norvelle, Eddie Large and the vastly talented Bobby Davro!!

The show must go on...!!

(Inset) Burton Curle






Hi there Rhumba fans,

Well how things can change in a week, this time last week we were just starting initial rehearsals for my latest production "CHUFFIN' HELL WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!" and now a week later and the whole show seems to be in disarray! but no sir, not if old Les has anything to do with it! - If you can remember last Monday poor old Roger De Courcy rather comically fell from the stage and sustained a badly sprained ankle, initially we believed the hilarious,happless ventriliquist would be back on his feet in a few days but we have learned that old Roger will now be laid up for at least 2 months, leaving me with no choice but to appoint a replacement, the show must go on!!

After several intense hours of discussions and debate with agent Maurice Shoteley and co-producer Roger Cutlet we finally decided to pull out all the stops to ensure the success of the show. It was decided that money was no object and so after much deliberation we whittled it down to a shortlist of hugely talented candidates, but who?? the role of the "ghost of Dixon Wimpole" is highly central to the plot so we went for only the best!! the final 3 on our list were:- the impressive ventriliquist Keith Harris (and Orville) who seemed ideal for the part, sadly Keith is terribly busy at the moment and is fully booked up with work till next summer, which left us with the witty, camp entertainer Duncan Norvelle and the vastly underated stand up comic Burton Curle! - in the end disscussions with Duncan broke down due to "niggling contractual and financial issues" so in the end we decided to give the job to the quickwitted, course Northern comedian Burton Curle!!

Admittedly some eyebrows were raised when old Burty was offered the role but I truly believe that this is a once in a lifetime chance for him to reinvent himself and indeed resurrect his career, it could be old Burton's final chance of comedic redemption and being a fine stand up comic he has all the skills required to make the part his own. Remember cheeky cockney comic Mike Reid and his life changing switch to serious straight, acting as Frank Butcher in "Eastenders"?! No-one gave him a chance did they? - but old Mike did it.....well I believe that Burton can do the same, if he can rein in his maverick comic approach we'll be onto a winner, he may struggle a bit initially with the slick dance moves but I'm determined to convert my old friend into a fleetfooted, gliding, graceful peformer! if anyone can do it then ol' Sheepsy can!!!!!

So with Burton stepping into the breach rehearsals resumed in earnest. With Bernie Clifton excelling in the lead role of Dr.Branston Wimpole and Ruth Madoc delighting cast members and crew alike as Branstons mother "Myrtle" things were back on track again! the dancers were wonderful, the songs were sounding fantastic, the humour and jokes were flowing and I realised there and then that we just might have a potential west end smash-hit on our hands - I'm happy to report that rehearsals are still going really well and can confirm that we are due to open at the Theatre Royal in Batley on March 18th followed by nights at Skegness, Blackpool, Morecambe, Barrow and a host of other fine provincial towns (check press for details) thats right folks, put a note in your diary and warm up your dancing trotters because the show of the year is coming your fookin' way! watch out Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber!!!!!

I have a gut feeling that this production could be the making of myself and the cast, the choreography is looking superb if I do say so myself, Roger Cutlet has written some truly fine songs like "Oh no Pater has gout!", "The ballad of Branston and Rita", and the rip roaring, show stopping finale' "Eeeeh what a palaver!!!". The biggest surprise for me though has been Burton Curles proffesional transformation. Like a perspiring overweight, recovering alcoholic phoenix rising from the flames old Burty has gone from stand in warm up man at the World Darts championship at the Lakeside to potential West end success!! god bless you son Burton - your a chuffin' trooper and a credit to light entertainment!!!

Till next time folks, keep dancing!

Lesley x

Britains true King of Comedy!?

What a question eh? chuffin' fook! - during over 50 years in showbiz I must have worked with them all....yes all the chuffin comedy greats. From Sid Little to to the Chuckle brothers I must have shared stages with the lot of em', but as the cryptic question asks - who really is the true British king of comedy!!?!?

Where would we be without the delightful joy of laughter? well as I have been blessed with the true gift of having truly amazing gifted dancing trotters I'd probably be ok but for you my loyal fans tell me just who is the world leader pretend of comic japery!!!

See the bottom of the page to select your choice!

Happy voting!

Temperamental stars and a heavenly pork utopia...

Morning purveyours of dance,

Been pretty busy all this week, rehearsals for "CHUFFIN' HELL WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!" began in earnest on Monday morning and as ever in most new productions there has been some slight teething problems and clashes of ego's. But to be honest if you dare to put such huge multi faceted talent like Bernie Clifton, Ruth Madoc and Roger De Courcy in the same room as one and other you are bound to have friction and some fall outs.

Things began brightly enough as my old mate and leading man Bernie Clifton arrived bright and breezy at 10.00am Monday morning at the compact "Arthur Fadgewick" theatre in downtown Barrow. But after a quick coffee and chat with old Clifton, Welsh "Hi-de-hi" legend Ruth Madoc strolled in and began to make some extraordinary showbiz demands. Astonishingly she requested a private flower festooned dressing room, a DVD player with the complete "Hi-de-hi" box set, and a steady supply of Earl Grey tea and finest Scottish buuuuuuter shortbread!! Now don't get me wrong Madoc is a damn fine actress and a veteran of stage and small screen but I'm putting on a deeply artistic and sometimes moving production and I want my cast to be commited, focused, passionate and dedicated wholly to the cause of dance and song, there are no place for ego's in such a proud production as "CHUFFIN' HELL WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!"

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse Roger De Courcy bounced in with his cheeky sidekick Nookie on his arm and things instantly went from bad to worse. Unknown to me Bernie Clifton and De Courcy had harboured a long standing showbiz grudge from 1982 when both appeared on the "Little and Large show", it transpired that De Courcy was jealous of the superior backstage treatment being given to Clifton which led to a full on fist fight in the BBC canteen - I never knew of this startling saga and hold my agent and booking manager Maurice Shoteley totally responsible for this apalling oversight. It turns out that the two comedy greats haven't spoken since!!! Fookin' ell I thought as I nervously smoothed things over between the two giants of comedy, with the help of a large pot of strong suuuugary tea and an unfeasibly large plate of assorted pork related treats (Corbetts prime sausage rolls, some thick shards of top quality black pooooding, a pile of finest Mudchute farm ham and picalilli sandwiches and a few pigs trotters) the frostiness began to thaw and within half an hour the two were getting on like a house on fire and reminiscing about the fookin' "good old days!"

Breathing a sigh of relief I quickly won Ruth Madoc around with some flaccid, wilting flowers and a pack of cheap stale shortbread from the nearby garage and hastily got to work with my talented cast!!! With cable tv paranormal crusader Denton Pentangle arriving two hours late things soon got back on track and we began to learn the complex initial dance and song routines.

I had decided to embrace the whole gamut of dance emotions into this ambitious stage show and so had dug deep into my huge knowledge of fleet footery to assemble a diverse array of mediums including the quickstep, the rumba, the cha cha cha, modern jive and the Carolina shag!!! - Obviously Bernie and co are not natural dancers but I was determined to lick them into shape, if Anton Du Beke can make the leaden hooved Kate Garraway look half decent than surely ol Les can do the same with the eager Roger De Courcy!!!

After some problems the cast eventually settled into some of the more basic, limited steps as I finally decided that my Lester Sheepshanks dance troupe' should be able to deflect some attention away and compensate for the main stars heavy footedness......things were looking good but as ever trouble was lurking around the corner. Just after lunch Roger De Courcy slipped off the edge of the stage and fell with a horrifying thud on the floor, after a few hours in Barrow infirmary casualty department old Roger went home to rest his badly sprained ankle and so I stepped in to cover his part for the rest of the day, after a quick warm down we all said our farewells and left for home, feeling a bit peckish on the way back to my palatial mock tudor mini mansion I instructed Maurice Shoteley to stop off at the "Golden Plaice" chippy on Peterfinch Street for a nice supper. After some deliberation Maurice opted for five bumper cod fillets, a large tray of chips and muuuuushy peas whilst I opted for chips, two large battered sausages and a large polystyrene container of curry sauce.....eeeeh fookin' heavenly, the marriage of that good old British staple - curry sauce and the mechanically recovered crispy pork sausaaaaages was chuffin' majestic!!!!

I'll update again soon!!!

Lester's musical and dance extravaganza to tour!

It gives me great pleasure to announce that after months of top secret discussions and talks a brand new "Lester Sheepshanks company" production will commence touring in March 2008....

"CHUFFIN' HELL WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!" is a new musical/dance extravaganza co-written by myself and Barrow based impressario Roger Cutlet. Dr.Branston Wimpole (played by the talented Bernie Clifton!) is a harmless, eccentric scientist whose only ambition in life is to find a cure for gout!! Ever since his dear, late father Dixon perished 20 years earlier due to "metabolic arthiritis" complications old Branston has vowed to save mankind and devise an antidote!!

With the help of his hilarious ostrich sidekick Oswald, our hero Branston sets out on a high octane, riotous music and dance based journey of love, happiness and ultimately heartache!

With a full supporting cast including the fantastic Lester Sheepshanks dance troupe', Roger De Courcy (as the hilarious ghost of Branstons late father!!) cable T.v. illusionist Denton Pentangle and "Hi-de-hi's" Ruth Madoc this wondrous, delightful musical production will delight all followers of dance in general, old and young alike!!

Rehearsals are due to begin next week before we take the show to the provincial towns of Britiain, so keep your ears and eyes open for ticket details.

I'll update again soon with snippets and revealing and hopefully hilarious chuffin' insights on how rehearsals are shaping up.....till then - look after yerselves!!

Belated Xmas wishes....hope you had a belter!

Seasons greetings ballroom friends,

How was your Xmas? I hope you had a belter! - I have to say mine was a mixed bag of emotions. This time of year is always a difficult period for me what with the huge, black shadow of loneliness cast over me caused by dear old Hinge Sheepshanks no longer being around but as ever I bravely soldiered on like the proud, ballroom luminary old Mater would want me to be.

As you can recall due to my crippling gout affliction I had to cancel my appearance in Panto this year but I will be back stronger and refreshed next year - "oh no you won't - oh yes I will be you chuffin' fookers!!!!" tee hee hee.....

As usual I spent Xmas eve alone in my 5 bedroom luxury mini-mansion in Barrow, with just my memories as company. When Mater was alive we would usually spend xmas eve at home decorating the tree and wrapping the presents and generally preparing for the big day. As a pork affecionado I would usually forego the traditional festive turkey for a top quality 4kg roast pork loin complete with crackling and all the trimmings - crispy roasties, pork fat and buuuuuuuuter glazed baby carrots, yorkshire puuuuuuuuuudings, brussels, huge glorious piles of steamed cabbage, sausages wrapped in prime pork luncheon meat and the most sumptious pork based gravy you have ever tasted! eeh they were fookin' blissful times I tell you.

This year as ever I placed a gift for Mater' under the tree, I know it's silly but it's tradition now and it helps me to keep her memory alive, Bernie Clifton called around in the evening for a few sherries and to drop off a present for me which was very kind of him (thankfully he lift his hilarious pesky fookin' ostrich sidekick Oswald in the the car!!!) - after Bernie left I morbidly skulked around in Maters' shrine for a few hours before retiring to bed around midnight.

Xmas day and I awoke around 8.30am to be awaken by my reliable Morphy Richards teasmaid jetting a scolding hot plume of water all over my left trotter....FOOK! after slipping into my favourite dressing gown and Harrods tartan carpet slippers I glided downstairs and rhumba'd my way into the living room to be greeted by a huge blanket of gifts all for ol' Sheepsy. Firstly thanks to all my fans who kindly sent gifts to me, literally dozens of you sent presents but unfortunately I simply could not cope with the sheer capacity of festive offerings and so have given some of them to FOPS (Federation of poorly red setters) where they will be raffled to raise funds for the sickly little lads and lady setters!! Special thanks to Mrs. Bethel Mange' of Leicester for your wonderful gadget......the handy mini kitchen scraper you sent me is ideal for removing tightly packed marrow from small and tricky yet tasty pork bones!

After a delicious simple and light breakfast of 4 crispy pork and sage sausages, 2 duck eggs and a few shards of blackk pooooooding Maurice Shoteley picked me up around 11.00am and drove me to Barrow cemetry to pay my yuletide respects at Mater's shrine where I also shared a private moment with my old companion Toby Sheepshanks....

On arrival at the Shoteley household I accepted a sherry from Maurices lovely wife Brenda before an adequate xmas dinner of roast turkey and all the trimmings, as I've said often before pork and only pork is my chosen form of meat and so was not happy about the prospect of being forced to eat an old bird but credit where it's due old Brenda didn't let me down and it was quite a decent attempt from the game girl!!!

After a few large sherries, a couple of games of charades and our beloved Queens speech I said my farewells to the kind Shoteleys and caught a cab back to my 5 bedroom mini mansion, the rest of the day was a blurred sherry induced haze and I awoke around 9.00pm sat in front of the tv with an unfeasibly large glass of sherry by my side and a huge half eaten pork pie nestling in my lap.....hee hee what a fookin' palaver!!

Happy Xmas!!!!