Forgive me Mater' for I have sinned....

Yes it's true my loyal friends, the title says it all - you may recall that back in March how I regaled you all with my seemingly innocent and joyful tales of the true love that I had finally found with sweet, florid Alma? well I can confirm that the old fookin' trout faced, gammy legged scrote was only a chuffin' goldigger!!! Aye intent on stealing old Twinkletoes heart (and more importantly cash!) for her own blessed, immoral gains!!

I must say that I did have my suspicions quite early on in our "relationship". For example whenever we dined out at one of my many favourite pork based carvery's I more often than not found myself footing the bill! now I'm no dinosaur readers and I know all about chivilary and honour and yes I'm not short of a few bob being the true Ballroom legend and all round dance impressario that I am but come on this is 1973, erm sorry 2008 and surely in this day of equal rights and womens lib the fairer sex should sometimes take the financial initiative as it were and put there hand in there purses!?? fook me backwards with one of my old synthetic dancing galoshes!!! secondly I happened to one day fatefully spy upon one of Alma's screwed up bank statements in my kitchen bin which showed a balance of just £9.08.....the old crow had told me she was very comfortably well off after her late husband Buxton had left her a cool £800,000 from the sale of his haulage firm 3 months previously! and finally I heard a sobering and gut-renching conversation a few weeks ago, one that rocked my world to the very fookin' core!!!

I awoke at about 11.45pm that fateful Tuesday evening and softly reached out to put my arm around old Alma for a quick caress (and maybe even a late-night love dance of our loins if I was very lucky!!) only to find that she wasn't there, "she's probably gone downstairs for a glass of water" I thought to myself or maybe to take one of her industrial strength painkillers if her gammy hoof was playing up again. Softly and lovingly I crept downstairs and loitered briefly in the hallway in order to surprise my dear, sweet love when suddenly I heard a whispering, hushed voice from the living room, it was only fookin' Alma talking on her new snazzy mobile phone (yes the one I'd chuffin' bought her only that week for £90.00!) - well the words I heard dear readers will haunt me to the day I die and finally am reunited with my beloved Mater'! I find it hard to relive and even think about that moment now but it turns out that she was only going to Marry me and get me to sign all my estate and modest wealth over to her, she had been plotting this foul, devious game of deception apparently with her alleged dead husband Buxton for over six months and had even instigated the very day we had met in the supermarket some months back, well fook me I was truly shattered and so after composing myself I swiftly pasa-dobled into the front room and after executing one of my infamous, legendary short-thrust, touch-toes pelvic quinnel moves I grabbed her by the arm and angrily flung her down crashing onto to my precious chaise lounge', after a desperatley half hearted plea by Alma that "it had all been some dreadful mistake" on my part and that she really, truly loved me the hardened old snatch only tried to imply that I was senile and had simply imagined the whole thing. Well I was chuffin' furious and so before you could say "Pasa-doble'" I threw her out the front door quickly followed by her suitcase and shoddy belongings!!!

I can't convey to you my true friends how low I feel at this moment in time, I feel even lower than I did back in the summer of 1964 after I finally lost my history making unbeaten streak of 34 victorious dance competitions. Yes you may recall that I was beaten by that camp, horsefooted simpering twot Austin Lockett in very suspicious circumstances indeed!! But getting back to Alma, I truly believed that she was the one loyal friends, as you may remember I had even redecorated Mater's shrine and had virtually wiped almost all trace of precious Hinge from my 5 bedroomed Barrow mock Tudor mansion for that woman, Maters' shrine is now gone, fook knows how much it will cost me to put it right again!! but it's not just about money folks it's about love, trust and faith and once again I have been decieved by a woman....This is precisely why I have never really let anyone into my life apart from sweet silvery haired Mater.

I'm so very sorry Mater' I know I have let you down greatly but if you can forgive me I promise on this day to honour and cherish your sacred memory until the day I perish and am reunited with you in heaven, me sat gingerly smiling with a large sweet sherry and a Corbetts "special range" luxury scotch egg and you tugging on your precious 1942 Wetherby-Foxwaite hunting pipe with an unfeasibly large pork pie in your hand!!!!!

It's just you and me from now on Mater', just you and fookin me yer proud beauty!!!

Needless to say my many loyal, devoted showbiz friends have been virtual towers of strength....Judith Chalmers has been in touch has as that old trooper and former lover of mine Angela Rippon, Roger De Courcy has also dropped me an e-mail or two and as ever ol' Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich sidekick have been rocks!!!

Celebrity Master Chef....what a fookin' palaver!

Well folks, firstly heartfelt apologies about the huge delay in updating my blog but as you'll find out soon enough I've been a bit busy of late and so my on-line journal has had to take second place to the myriad of aromatic pork/heart touching wonders and shenanigans going on in my life at the minute!! It's been a right chuffin' conundrum trying to keep this one to myself but fook it I have to tell you - you may have or not read in the press lately that popular BBC cooking show "Celebrity Masterchef" is returning to our screens soon and yes ol' Twinkletoes has been approached to take part!! I was a bit dubious at first when my agent Maurice Shoteley briefed me about the offer but any tv is good tv and also being a keen amateur cook I thought why not? I'll give it a whirl!

Firstly I have to confirm that my opinion of both judges on the show has definitley changed since my heat was filmed four weeks ago though, the shiny headed vegetable expert with the glasses seems a cheeky, cockney chappie on the tv but off screen he was a first class sh*tter to me I have to say, throughout the whole two days filming he rarely offered any of us much real constructive critisism, nay it was all fookin' digs and putdowns!!......the Torode rotter wasn't much better either and as you'll see when the series is aired the Ausie fooker royally slaughtered my truly innovative all-pork based menu!! anyway more of that later!

Upon arrival at Masterchef HQ I was informed by the young BBC production bint that I was cooking against Welsh hurdling journeyman Colin Jackson and 1980's synth pop star Howard Jones....well what a pair of twots and no mistake. I suppose to be fair Jackson has achieved quite a bit in his chosen sport and does do some valuable charity work I'm told but Jones really fookin' grated on me....he spent most of the two days boring all and sundry with tales of synth-pop trivia and endless boasts of his carnal conquests back in the day! - honestly you wouldn't find me publicly airing my loves and past partners via the spoken OR written word! fook off Jones and take your mental chains with you yer chuffin' idiot....sorry about that little rant there readers but it makes my blood boil I tell you.....in my day you had to earn celebrity status through sheer hard work and talent but not now......the likes of Gloria Hunniford, Angela Rippon, Royston "Titch" Tinders (1967 British Ballroom mens runner up), Bernie Clifton and Burton Curle etc would be turning in there collective graves now (if erm any of them were errr actually dead that is.

Anyway first up was the quick invention round where we had to design and cook a dish of our own choice from a selection of ingredients including tinned tomatoes, pasta, green peppers, salmon fillets, new potatoes, asparagus tips, broadbeans and some.....PORK MINCE!! yes I thought I'm safe - I soon got to work on a simple yet tasty starter of a sumptous, pan fried pork nudger on a bed of sauteted' new potatos with garlic and broadbeans smothered in the rendered pork fat from my old meaty nudger!....eeeh it was manna from pork-heaven I tell you.....sadly the judges weren't as enamoured as myself and so after a critical mauling ("lack of seasoning", "do you think a pork BURGER is good enough to progress in this competition really?", pork burger!?!?!? the cheeky rotters! anyway we were sent to a top London Italian restaraunt for the next round and thats when thing started to really hot up!

After donning our comical kitchen wear and amusing chef hats we were all assigned seperate dishes, Jackson was doing the starter of tomato, basil and mozarella tartlets whilst synth pop fooker Jones was assigned the dessert of traditional Tiramisu......whilst ol Les drew the short straw and was given the highly complicated task of ricotta raviloli in a herb and tomato based sauce....well fook I had to make the pasta fresh myself, stuff the fookin raviolis, skin the tomatos myself to make the sauce...fookin hell I thought, To make matters worse in the midst of afternoon service who sauntered in to the plush "Mantioni's" restaraunt of the West End but my old showbiz pal and mucker Nicholas Parsons!!! well I had to say hello it would be rude not to and so after a swift three sweet sherries and a nice wander down memory lane with old Parso' it was back to the pass for me and a quick b*llocking from the head chef Bruno!!! Eeh the chuffin' fooker!

Anyway after 2 hours of torrid service we all muddled through and then it was back to Masterchef HQ for the final round where we had to make a 3 course meal of our own design.......

For my menu I had chosen a bold starter of a pigs trotter pickled in balsamic vinegar, basil and worcester sauce on a bed of spinach with crispy bacon bits scattered around it, for my main I opted for an innovative and inventive pan Asian/British pork-fusion dish consisting of pigs kidneys, seasoned in flour and spices and carefully pan fried, served with egg noodles, sweet and sour vegetables and local Barrow reared black pudding slithers with a refreshing minty mushy pea and lime couli...eeeh it was a fookin' delight to my tastebuds! I tell you Heston Blumental would have been proud of old Lesley!!

And finally for my dessert I went all out for a highly experimental dish of a gammon and pineapple infused jelly with a handmade vanilla ice cream and thin maple syruped bacon wafers, well what can I say the fookers hated it, as I stated earlier Greg described it as a "culinary abomination!" and at one point had to stop filming to retch into a nearby bin whilst the Aussie feller described it as "truly a bizzare and obscene mish mash of flavours and styles, an insult to goodtaste and cooking!!" well needless to say I didn't go through to the next round as Colin Jackson clinced it with his safe traditional Welsh menu.....but I had a good few days of fun at the BBC's expense and I'd like to say a made some new friends on the way but I fookin' didn't.

Anyway before you could say "pasa doble" I had foxtrotted my way out of the back door and straight back to my four star hotel to meet up with Alma, after a quick shower us two old lovers of the dance world began making sensual based love on the floor of our sumptious hotel room, although at one point poor old Alma's gammy leg began to seize up with acute excruciating, raging pins and needles but after a few sweet sherries and a rubdown from old Lesley we resumed our intense dance of love before I treated Alma to a top notch roast pork dinner at a fine carvery in London's west end!! all in all it was a good three days in the capital!

Until next time, farewell!!