It's been a while folks.....

Saluataions all,

My heartfelt apologies for lack of posts recently friends but all will be revealed very soon - suffice to say I've been to fookin' hell and back!!!!

In the meantime VOTE LABOUR!!!!

Mental health issues? not fookin funny......

Hello everyone,

This week is "Barrow mental health week" so in keeping with the topical air of mild insanity I thought it appropriate to acknowledge the occasion with this revealing and still quite painful newspiece from the annals of the Sheepshanks vaults, read on folks and share the solemn and thankfully distant memory of my brief flirtation with mental health problems......

The following news story was published in the Barrow based local newspaper "The North West evening mail" back in July 2004:-

"A spokesman for the Barrow in Furness health trust this morning confirmed that local ballroom entertainer Lester Sheepshanks (CBE) was briefly treated at the delapidated, crumbling St.Augustines hospital sometime during the last few days. 'Sheepsy' (73) was admitted late Thursday evening after appearing to collapse at a press conference earlier in the day at the Four Seasons Tavern!!

Hospital spokesman Shackleton Dreyfuss said that Mr.Sheepshanks arrived accompanied by his manager Maurice Shoteley sometime around 11.30pm in a rather agitated, confused mood, after waiting in casualty for barely 7 minutes the veteran dancer demanded to be seen by a top 'White British born' doctor before mounting the reception desk and embarking on a rather clumsy and poorly executed Pasa-doble routine' - after being coaxed down by anxious hospital staff Sheepsy conducted a 3 minute rant that included the following incoherent statements - 'Mater oh why oh why did you leave me!?!?', 'Don't you fookin' know who I am? I'm Lester chuffin' Sheepshanks you bastids!?!?' and 'Lockett the fookin bastid it's all his doing!!!'

Mr.Sheepshanks was eventually examined by a physciatric doctor who confirmed that the one time British no 1 ballroom dancer was indeed suffering from huge mental and physical stress and after administering a course of sedatives recommended that old Sheepsy should stay in overnight to be closely monitered.

Sometime around 3.55am and totally against the hospitals wishes Mr.Sheepshanks discharged himself and after calling his close friend and confidante and esteemed local master pork butcher Mr.Selwyn Corbett left by taxi for his five bedroomed palatial luxury mock tudor home in South Barrow, eye witnesses say Sheepsy left the hospital building without his trousers and with what appeared to be a large fish in his left jacket pocket (possibly a turbot) whilst giggling nervously, salivating and occasionally slipping into a rather shambolic half baked foxtrot move!!!

It is believed that the veteran fading dancer spent Friday night at his Barrow home before leaving by car on Saturday morning to catch a flight to Spain where he has a luxury holiday home in a first class private holiday complex inhabitated by a string of violent former British criminals and top Z-list celeb's including Jim Bowen, 70's west country poet Pam Eyres and former Mr and Mrs host Derek Batey......'

Fookin hell folks!! it's really brought it all back to me you know, but with the right care and support my year of twisted pure hell thankfully ended soon after but now I really can empathise with the mentally retarded. These days when I even pass old Clive (pictured above) in Barrow precint with his ill fitting urine stained, crusty suit and his infamous drunken cries of "bastids, bastids where all fookin' bastids!!!" I no longer pass by giggling uncontrollably under my breath, nor do I chuckle cruelly at his borderline personality disorder no sir I offer him a fiver and some friendly advice before I head off back to my luxury 5 bedroom mini-mansion!!!! chuffin' ell folks I've truly been lucky and I honestly believe that without the best Harley street treatment money could buy I now too would be sat alongside poor old Clive in Barrow town centre in one of Mater's old ballroom gowns sitting in my own urine chewing on a half eaten prime Corbetts sausauge roll!!!

Till next time poeple please spare a thought for the unfortunate mentally ill amongst us........

Thanks,

Lester

Poor old Arlene and more fond memories from the annals of Sheepsy!!

How do minions!

Firstly I have to say that I was totally bewildered this week to discover that first rate dance choreographer the alluringly bewitching Arlene Phillips has been dropped from the next series of the BBC's tacky ballroom show "Strictly..." - what a fookin' travesty and no mistake! apart from being a fine panelist and dance expert old Arlene is also a top notch bit of "mature" crumpet too and will be sorely missed by many, especially men of a certain age and persuasion like my good self!! Arlene you have been a fookin' treasure and fine servant to the world of dance choerography - I fookin' salute you yer proud beauty!

Interesting though to see that the simpering old twot Len kept his job - enough said! I'm not being bitter but as I was just saying to my cheeky red setter puppy Jimbo an hour ago over a few pickled pigs trotter's - "You have to move on Jimbo old son, you'll never hear old Sheepsy bearing a grudge...." - The BBC eh!?!? what a bunch of fookin' bastids.......

Well folks my autobiography is still selling by the dozens and to celebrate reaching the 1000 copies sold (since 2003!!) mark I am delighted to publish the following excerpt from the said bestseller!!

Coming up are some intriguing revelations on the awful 1985 red-setter allegations!:-

"It all began back in May 1985 when I was booked by my loyal agent and manager Maurice Shoteley to open a new wing in the Barrow in Furness dogs home, the said building was a first rate, start of the art luxury outhouse for the purpose of exterminating malingering and sickly, work-shy dogs...anyway after the grand red ribbon ceremony had ended and I had concluded my amusing speech I proceeded to have a leisurely wander around the premises when suddenly I heard a panicked cry of 'Look out, run away red setter!!' - I quickly looked behind me and there was a lovely, glossy haired red setter wagging his tail and smiling at me regally! as a treat I tickled his belly and ruffled his head but unfortunately this made the cheeky canine scamp rather excited and as he leapt up to lick my face I was knocked off balance and sent flying back, in the process catching my beige Farah's on a precarious rusty hook attached to a gate. 'Fook!' I thought as I inspected the damage to my £30.00 slacks, unknown to me in the excitement the pesky setter had also snagged and loosened my belt with his teeth forcing my sand coloured trousers to slowly fall to the ground!!! this made the dog even more agitated and upset so in a flash of inspiration I bent down and innocently straddled him and began to comfort the lovely lad. I accept looking back at the scene that it may have looked a bit suspect but I was honestly just consoling the parentless setter and in no way was I carrying out any form of foul, bestial, twisted canine shennanigans!!

After the fuss had died down I tragically learned that the cheeky setter was named Toby and he was due to face the lethal injection later that same day due to no one wanting the unlucky furry lad, in a moment of overwhelming generosity I decided to adopt him my self and give him a home at my palatial mock tudor 5 bedroom mini mansion in the wealthy area of Barrow!! sadly by this time a pesky chuffin' hack from a downmarket tabloid had cruelly snapped the offending scene and had already begun a campaign of slander and harrasment against me that would drag on for 18 painful months until my tarnished name was finally cleared.......even to this day I am still haunted by the title of the 'Beast of Barrow' but thankfully justice was done and Toby and myself enjoyed many glorious years of friendship and companionship, right up until his callous and pointless murder back in 2004........"

Keep well ballroom lovers!

Always yours Les....xxx

The Filth And The Fookin' Fury!!!!

This is really no time for pleasantries friends as I'm chuffin' fuming!! I've been had folks - honestly!

It all began one day last week when I recieved a rather dubious brown paper parcel in the post.....on opening the package I thought I was going to have a fookin' stroke, I swear I nearly put my silk slippered dancing foot right through my brand new £1000 44" HD ready flat screen television! inside was a "DVD", I can hardly bring myself to repeat the title again but here goes........this filth was called "Maude Does Scarborough!!" what a palaver!

It appears that my agent and manager Maurice Shoteley when updating my blog profile for me recently "clumsily" listed one of my favourite DVD's as the above mentioned title rather than the much more innocent "Maude Bristows Scarborough Ballroom Master Class" - the useless fooker'!! anyway it seems that the films twisted creators believed that I was interested in their twisted world of filth!! Now I've known Maude for over 35 years and she is one of the most repected ballroom tutors in the business and is in no way connected the above dubious XXX rated abomination.....no Sir Maude's DVD is a 2 and a half hour introduction to ballroom, a harmless and educational tribute to the medium and it's many golden treasures, whereas as far as I can tell the other DVD certainly isn't!!

For your own protection comrades (and to ensure that you don't make the same foolish mistake that I, erm....sorry MAURICE made!) here is the synopsis on the obscene disc according to the box - I have obviously had to censure some words and vile phrases for your own sakes.

"HARD CHOICE PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS HARD GERIATRIC S*X ACTION JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT! - JOIN 78 YEAR OLD MAUDE AS SHE F***S HERE WAY THROUH SOME OF SCARBOROUGHS HOTTEST YOUNG STUDS! - YES IT'S NO HOLDS BARRED XXX ACTION AS THE INSATIABLE AND VASTLY EXPERIENCED GRANDMOTHER OF 8 ENJOYS *NAL/DP/GANG BANG AND GIRL ON GIRL ACTION IN THE HOT BRITISH SEASIDE RESORT!

Fook me folks I apologise once again for the above filth, I tell you honestly I'm heaving just thinking about it but I thought it only fair of me to warn you about the offensive nature of the said film, I shall be passing the disc onto my lawyer Uttoxeter Arbroath to ensure that the films makers can make a full and very public apology to myself....but in the meantime I shall study the foul DVD (for research purposes) a few more times to ensure that this kind of deprivating oversight never happens again!

To be fair though folks for a 78 year old Maude certainly makes a good fist of things, erm pardon the pun and indeed knows a few tricks and is quite an agile performer for her advancing years so in the interests of fair play and freedom of speech I say "Good on yer Maude yer game old girl - your a credit to the world of hardcore porn you proud old beauty!!!!"

Meet Jimbo!!

Greetings folks!

I'd like you to meet Jimbo!! yes after 4 years of dog related mourning I have finally decided to move on and let another red setter into my life - I'll never forget Toby (nor Bingo before him!) but I feel it's time for some closure so on Saturday I popped down to the Barrow dogs home and plucked lucky Jimbo from a life of regular beatings, heartless neglect and abject misery!! after a generous £40 donation was handed over I was given Jimbo's paperwork and off we set for home!

Old Maurice wasn't too happy about the "faecal deposit" that old Jimbo left on the back of the Bentley but the cheeky young lad was a bit excited so I gamely forgave him later on as we all sat in my spacious backgarden basking in the warm sun, Jimbo chose a nice ice-cool bowl of water and a tasty pork bone whilst Maurice and I savoured a crisp gin and tonic and a nice Spam, lettuce and piccalilli bap!!!!

He really is a joy folks and he is already settling into the routine at Sheepsy heights.....although the poor lad did get a bit of a fright on Monday morning as he gambled cheekily into Mater's shrine to find me sobbing uncontrollably on her plastic covered pillow's dressed in one of her shimmering championship winning ballroom gowns!! mind you they were tears of pure joy as I thought of Mater sat up in heaven next to ol' Toby and Bingo enjoying a premium sausage roll and a large vodka and Tonic as her silvery lard encrusted hair gently quivered in the celestial, heavenly breeze! fook me she would be so happy to see me finally moving on with life!!

Until next time friends, keep the glorious medium of ballroom alive!!!

More Sheepsy memories and the curse of fookin' Swine Flu!!!

Hi Ballroom friends,

Firstly it's really nice to be back home after a wonderful (but tiring!) 3 weeks on the road. All in all the show was a huge hit but there's nothing quite like coming back to one's own warm, comfy and luxurious 5 bedroom mock Tudor mini-mansion....tentative plans are being hatched to take the show back out on the road before Xmas such was the warm reception I recieved.

Sadly though as ever the fickle hand of fate was waiting for ol' Sheepsy in the twisted, pork related form of bastid Swine flu! - my first thought was "Fook me! the bureaucratic health official rotter's had better not ban all pork consumption!!" - but thankfully eating Pork is safe although chuffin' trips to Mexico aren't!! seriously though folks innocent people have died so we must all be vigilant, who'd have thought that the humble pig could be responsible for so much terror and widespread panic?

Anyway as a treat in these times of reccesion related misery I thought I'd treat you to another revealingly fascinating excerpt from my recent autobiography, so pull up an easy chair and settle down with a nice hot mug of tea and a few "Uncle Les's battered pork boasters" sandwiched between a couple of floury baps!! The following chapter focuses on the sometimes violent and strained relationship with my late father Whitworth, read on folks and enjoy!!!

"Back in 1997 I attempted one last time to heal the bitter rift between Pater and myself, slowly pulling up in my Bentley outside the run down, delapidated 'Happy Meadows' nursing home a lump came to my throat as I tried to remember happier memories of my frail dieing father - small loving gestures or maybe an affectionate moment of joy.....but I fookin' couldn't! who was I kidding my father was a violent, malingering alcoholic with the intellectual capacity of a mentally unstable Jack Russell, a man who made life sheer misery for Mater', myself and my brothers and sisters....We hadn't spoken since 1963 but as the old buzzard was dieing I resolved to be the better man and finally seek some form of dance related closure.

I remember one day I must have been about 11 or 12 and dear old silvery haired Mater' had just nipped out to the butchers to purchase a few cheap cuts of pork for our weekly Wednesday night 'Pork casserole'...I think I was sat at the kitchen table sticking a picture of legendary ballroom champion Arthur 'Squeaky' Tichdale into my scrapbook when all of a sudden the front door crashed open and in staggered my father - a half eaten pork pie in one hand and his favourite smoking pipe in the other 'Yer f-f-f-f-fookin' little t-t-twisted foookin' b-b-bastid, come ere son!!' he stammered drunkenly - nervously I approached Pater as he motioned to me to sit down next to him on the second hand chaise-lounge.

'Son l-l-listen son, I k-k-know you and m-me have had our differences b-b-but listen Lester lad yer me b-best mate really' he stuttered inebriated...'You'll always be m-m-my son, whatever you choose t-t-to do with your life b-b-but if yer ever humiliate this family as a f-f-fookin' twisted ballroom b-b-astid dancer I'll f-f-f-fookin' CHOP YOUR FEET OFF!!!!!!!' he screeched as he threw me against the wall before slowly unzipping his trousers and proceeding to urinate on my treasured silken ballroom galoshe's which were proudly sat by the fire!! - as the acridly pungent urine sprayed copioulsy onto my blessed dance slippers I could feel the anger and heartbreak rising up through my feet of flames and into my spindly dancing legs as I ran from the house out down to the nearby canal where I threw myself onto the grass sobbing uncontrollably. Honestly the last time I felt that low again was of course when Mater' was taken from me and also back in 1992 when I lost my long running Veterans Mens Championship winning run (4 successive years!) to that right royal fooker Lockett of all people!!!

The mental (and physical) scars still linger to this day and I only need to think of Father and the old feelings of hatred and bitterness return.

Gingerley entering the acid smelling TV room of the nursing home I saw Father sat in the corner dressed in a tartan dressing gown (and oddly pink fluffy carpet slippers!) gazing vacantly out through the window with saliva dribbling down his chin, 'Your son is here to see you Whitworth' said the Nurse to Pater. 'Son?!? Son?? what you mean my favourite son Minton!?!' asked Father beseechingly, 'Er, no it's me Lester, Pater'' I softly whispered - quite without a word or expression of emotion the old twot span round and stared at me for what felt like an age before spitting with contempt 'Get out fookin' mincin' queer, yer no son of mine!!!!'

I had heard enough and so I fled from the ramshackle rat infested nursing home and danced down the stairs into the back of my Bentley. 'Maurice' I sobbed 'Let's find a first class pork carvery right away and fill our fookin' boots!!!!' and so we did we found a rather fine and reasonably priced establishment just a few miles away, if I remember rightly Maurice opted for six prime pork chops with a huge stack of fat greasy chips, garden peas and battered onion rings whilst I chose the 'all in - all day pork ensemble' eeh it was fookin' majestic I tell you, 4 huge meaty pork loin medallions with a few fat pork and herb sausages, a large smoked gammon steak with pineapple all finished off with some roast potatoes
(basted in prime pork fat!) and garden peas and a large gravy boat filled with a thick slurry of onion and pork matter!!! eeh such lucid pork memories!!"

My autobiography is still available for just £2.99 from most good book retailers or directly signed copies can be ordered from Shoteley entertainments, PO Box 12745, Barrow in Furness.

Until next time folks take things easy!!

Life On The Road, and a porky treat.......

Warm greetings foxtrot friends, first things first I must extend my warmest thanks and heartfelt appreciation for all of you have have turned up in your scores to support me in my "Audience with Lester Sheepshanks" live bonanza over the last week!!!

We kicked off in good old rainy Skegness last Wednesday night and opened to a warm and friendly audience, the audatorium was slightly only half full but I put that down to the current, crippling credit crunch gripping the whole nation rather than any reflection on my loyal fans part.

In hindsight the show has been a blistering success and after a wonderful evening in Preston on Friday the "Preston Evening Post" heralded the show as "huge hit!!" and a "must see experience for all lovers of ballroom...."

With a mere two weeks on the road left I must admit folks that I have been missing my home comforts somewhat, although we have stayed in some rather comfy, homely 3 star establishments on the road I can't wait to get back to the groaning pork-packed larder in my 5 bedroom mock tudor manison in Barrow to spend some quality reflective time basking with dear old late Mater' in the regal sanctuary of her shrine!! yes we have devoured some first rate pork-based meals on our travels (especially the full English breakfast at the "Regency Guesthouse" in Morecambe - thanks again Rita yer game old beauty!!) but nothing beats a trip down to my favourite restaraunt "The Wexberry Crest" in Barrow in Furness for a full £20 all in pork carvery!!!! (including the finest roast pork this side of the North West of England, delicious apple sauce, delectable prime pork sausages, etc, etc! - you simply must try it!!

Finally folks as I mentioned above the pesky credit crunch is even affecting ol' Les too you know, why only last month on my monthly whistlestop trip down to London to the Harrods meat section I had to forego my usual £24.00 organic hand reared "Cheswick Farm" prime pigs trotters for Harrods own brand (at a mere £7.00 a trotter I tell you!!!)

Honsestly folks my heart goes out to you all poor fookers' out there and so I generously extend the kindly withered porky hand of Sheepsy by offering a luxury "Pork hamper" courtesy of Corbetts Master pork butchers of Barrow to the lucky person who answers this question....

In 1989 I underwent my first very painful (but also memorable) bout of emergency hemorrhoid surgery for my notorious troublesome grapes, where did I spend the following 2 weeks recouperating?

A - Blackpool
B - Skegness
C - The Costa Del Sol
D - Eastbourne

The first correct answer pulled out of my "Lucky" tombola snaffles the hamper!

Good luck dance lovers and till next time abide by the sacred laws of Ballroom!!!!!!!!!

Lucid dreams, my Ailing Nauticals and a Life In Dance!"

Well how are you doing fellow lovers of ballroom? The last few weeks have been fairly intense for me and no mistake - first things first though I simply have to share with you the amazing and truly fookin' bizzare contents of my lucid dream from last night! fookin' ell I knew I shouldn't have had that fat grilled prime pork chop smothered in industrial strength melted mature cheddar cheese before I retired to my slumber last night, what a chuffin' dream!

The dream all started innocently enough as I found myself sharing a cream horn or two and a large pot of strong tea with Mater' in my luxury caravan down in Bournemouth, suddenly without warning though dear old Hinge magically turned into the voluptuously saucy siren Linda Baron aka Nurse Gladys Emmanuelle from tv's Open all Hours! Eeh just as I was about to lose myself in Linda's heaving matronly bosom without any warning she turned back into sweet silvery haired Mater' who by now was unfortunately sitting in a small pool of her own pungent urine!!! fook knows what it all means!! I thought to myself - a top Harley street head shrinker would have a field day with that dream I tell you!

On a slightly more serious note though folks my ailing "Clements" are really playing me up at the moment and are bleeding quite sporadically so I'm due in for some pain relieving minor surgery on Tuesday but until then it's my trusty old rubber ring and a large industrial sized tube of Anusol all the way!!!!

Finally I'm delighted to announce the wonderful news on my latest stage project which will be hitting the provincial and seaside towns of Great Britain from April onwards!! see press release below:-

"MAURICE SHOTELEY PROMOTIONS IN CONJUNCTION WITH CORBETTS MASTER BUTCHERS ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE "A LIFE IN DANCE - AN AUDIENCE WITH LESTER SHEEPSHANKS" - AN EVENING OF PRIME CHAT, PRECIOUS MEMORIES, SIDE SPLITTINGLY HILARIOUS ANECTDOTES AND DANCE!!!! YES SPEND A FEW BLISSFUL HOURS IN THE COMPANY OF BRITAINS PREMIER (FORMER) BALLROOM DANCER.

BASK IN A HAZE OF SHOWBIZ DELIGHT AND BALLROOM AND LET OL' TWINKLETOE'S SHEEPSY TAKE YOU BY THE HAND AS YOU WANDER DOWN MEMORY LANE WITH HIS MANY MEMORIES AND AN IMPROMTU DANCE MASTERCLASS FROM THE OLD MASTER HIMSELF....

COMING SOON......................................"

Xmas Hangover......

Hi folks,

Sorry for the delay but how was your Christmas? I have to say that mine was mostly first class although not without a few unsavoury incidents but to be fair on the whole I have to declare that it was a beltin' festive few days with all the Xmas prerequisites - Unfeasibly expensive fine wines, entertaining showbiz friends, the fragrant authentic pine Xmas tree, mistletoe, lots of presents.......and plenty of fookin' prime pork!!!! yes once again I shunned the tired, strangulated traditional turkey for a 2.5kg loin of pork and I can tell you that the crackling was divine and the roasties were heavenly - eeeh Mater' would have been so proud of me!!

Things began peacefully enough on Xmas eve with the arrival of my special guests for the festive period, first to turn up was my old showbiz mucker and sometime lover the alluringly orange Judith Chalmers, closely followed by the bonkers Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich sidekick Oswald, my loyal manager Maurice Shoteley and his lovely wife Brenda and finally former dance partner Mavis Fekkit and her millionaire t.v impressario and businessman husband Lucifer Entwhistle......

After a welcoming glass of warm mulled wine and an M&S lxury mince pie I showed my guests to their sleeping quarters to unpack, Maurice and his wife were in the lower wing guest room whilst Bernie Clifton and Oswald had taken the small but comfy box room on the top floor while Mavis and Lucifer were assigned the 2nd largest room next door to mine. Poor old Judith Chalmers had to make do with a camp bed in the utility room next to the kitchen after she spurned my offer of sharing my luxury, paltial bedroom. It was either that or the settee and as dear old Judith has a rather dodgy back these days she reluctantly opted for the draughty but "cosy" utility room - I did put in a rug and an extra floral eiderdown for her comfort and also her own teasmaid but I don't think Judith was too pleased with me for the majority of the Xmas break, can't see why?!!?!? - the chuffin, miserable fookin' old boiler!!

Anyway after a couple games of gin rummy and a few large sherries we all welcomed in Xmas day in front of the tv watching the solemn eucharist service on BBC1 followed by a recording of my infamous 1970 British pairs championship win before retiring in preparation of the big day!

I awoke excitedly at about 7.30am and after a quick shower and shave I quietly looked in on a rather disgruntled Judith Chalmers in the utility room before beginning work on rustling up a sterling pork based breakfast for my lucky guests. I decided on 12 large duck eggs, 25 rashers of prime Mudchute farm organic bacon, a few packets of "Corbetts master butchers" special festive pork, turkey, sage and onion "Xmas bangers!" and a handful of fat slices of luxury black pooding for luck!! after heartily scoffing our topnotch breakfasts we retired into the front room to open the presents that were stacked under the Sheepshanks Christmas tree. As is tradition firstly my assembled friends had to wait until I had completed the annual Xmas day tradition of exchanging presents with Mater' in the comfort of her "shrine". Mater' had bought me the new CD "Inspired" by Des O'Connor while I had given her a wonderful hand knitted £175.00 lemon coloured cardigian from Harrods - I'm sure she would have cherished it and I can just picture her now sat astride a fluffy white cloud in heaven, resplendent in her new yellow cardy - her lard encrusted hair shimmering in the celestial, heavenly light as she serenley tugs on one of her antique 1935 "Eggchester and Nasalcrest" luxury hunting pipes, a large meaty pork pie in the other hand and a cool gin and tonic resting on a coffee table next to her.........

After shedding a few tears I gingerley slipped back downstairs to join my lovely friends. It was around now that I realised that the day was not going to be the festive bonanza I had earlier wished for. Judiths face was like fookin' thunder and I knew it wasn't because of the undercooked Xmas banger I had served up to her earlier!!! we all recieved some wonderful gifts - multi millionaire Lucifer Entwhistle bought a beautiful but slightly austintatious £300,000 diamond clustered necklace for dear Mavis Fekkit while my loyal old friend Maurice Shoteley had bought his wife Brenda a rather fetching lurid, red, lacy and some might say "downright tacky" negligee' (not sure if was the done thing to give it to her in front of the rest of us though Maurice old son, maybe should have saved it till bedtime!!!) my old mucker Bernie Clfton had recieved a years subscription to Health and Efficiency magazine from myself and Judith Chalmers gave me a wonderful gold framed picture of myself, Mater' and our dear late red setter "Bingo" sat on Blackpool beach in 1962 which I will cherish forever......

Whilst my proud guests played a few games of Charades and Twister and got stuck into my collection of fine antique wines (the cheeky fookers!) I sat to work on the Xmas dinner!! Eeeh it was a truimph I tell you and the most positive compliments were made on my pork loin joint and crispy "lard basted" roastington potatoes which were a secret recipe passed from dear old departed Mater'.

After lunch dear old Bernie Clifton fell asleep for a few hours and at one point we actually thought the game old trooper was dead!! until old Oswald raised up menacingly from the settee aside Bernie and cheekily pecked on one of old Judith Chalmers orange perma tanned bingo wings!!! eeh laugh I thought I'd never chuffin' start!

Things went a bit sour some time later mind which was a bit unfortunate as it was shaping up to be a top Xmas day and make no mistake......sometime around eight o'clock I sensed that Judith was a little bit tipsy and ripe for some festive action under the mistletoe and so while my guests busily indulged in some first class showbiz banter I asked Judith if she would come and help me to fetch some more drinks from the kitchen, sensing my chance I stealthily slid up behind Judith grasping some mistletoe and gently puckered up for some action!! - "Eeeh come on Judith yer proud old beauty lets be avin' yer!!" I cried moving in for a Xmas smooch. But before you could say Ambre Solaire old Judith cried "Jesus Les you silly old bastid' get off me right now!!" before kicking me with a certain degree of malice right in the groinal region (just narrowly missing my ailing grapes!!) before fleeing back to the lounge in anger!!

I have to say that that took the gloss off the evening slightly for me folks and although the rest of the Xmas break was very pleasant I must admit I expected more from Judith. We go back a long way and I have been there for her through thick and thin. Back in 1992 when she had her "troubles" with the bottle who was there for her? yes me and dear old departed Toby (my red setter!!) She also seems to forget the wonderfully florid times that we shared back in the 70's in my luxury caravan down in Eastbourne....oh well nothing ventured as they say!! Sorry aboout the delay on news of my latest dance based extravaganza folks but I will update soon - so until next time folks keep on dancing!!!!

I'm a celebrity (get me in there!!)

Yes folks - as you know ITV's jungle D-list celeb fest "I'm a celebrity..." is currently being rammed down our throats like a great, gorged sausage roll smothered in pork fat!!!! erm yes things have certainly took a turn for the worst in the jungle with dubiously politically opinionated tv fop Silksy already out of the camp and the sexy footballing wag Carly on her way it's time that the shows producers finally saw the light and airlifted ol' Sheepsy in there! Yes folks you may recall last year I was on the final shortlist of celebs to appear but had to withdraw at the eleventh hour due to Panto commitments but this year as a surprise late arrival I really think I could pull the show out of it's current slump.

With my firebrand wit, humorous anecdotes and ballroom dancing prowess I really think I'd be a valuable addition to the Australian jungle....I do know quite a few of the guys in there already which would help too, the zany Timmy Mallet took part in the early rounds of "Cut some Rug" but had to leave due to an ankle injury (not seen much evidence of any limb ailment in the jungle though Timmy you cushioned-malleted fooker!!) I also have some previous with the lovely Esther Rantzen as our paths often met at BBC televsion centre during the 70's and early 80's when she was presenting "Thats Life" and I was regularly guesting on "Come Dancing" - eeh what glorious days!!

I'd also call David Van Day a close friend too as I did some choerography work on a few early Dollar videos and also on one of their UK tours, I'll tell you something else too David doesn't half do a mean burger from his mobile takeaway van down in Brighton!!!

But seriously folks I really think I'd flourish in the outback, in my long distinguished career I've faced many awful, vile and downright hideous experiences so a few cockroaches, snakes and spiders would be like water off a ducks back to ol' twinkle toes. Why after you've shared a musty, damp chalet at Pontins with Burton Curle you can face anything!!! sorry Burty old lad but by the fook I think you'll agree with me that you reallty did have some unpleasantly foul personal hygiene habits back then son didn't you, ooh fook me not half!!!!

Who knows what will happen in the future but I'll be waiting by my phone for the call to come!!

In the meantime I'm working on my lastest project of which I'll reveal more just before Xmas but believe me folks it's a winner!!

Till next time take things easy and as Mater' used to say "Embrace the dance and all it's delights!!"

Cut Some Rug (RIP).......the end of a chuffin' era.

First things first folks heartfelt thanks for all your continued support and loyal viewing of the recently "axed" and criminally underated tv winner "Cut some rug!" - sorry for the delay in updating my blog but as you will know by now the scarlet silken, gilded curtain finally fell on the said ballroom blockbuster last Saturday. Reflecting solemnly last night with a glass of vintage sherry and a large "Harrods best" scotch egg I considerd myself privelleged nay fookin' blessed to be connected with what will surely in time be considered as one of 2008's true tv highlights!!

What can I say apart from that it's been a fantastic 8 weeks and we have witnessed some truly great ballroom dancing and general all round good old fashioned entertainment to boot, chiefly in the rather overweight shape of 70's alcoholic blue comic Burton Curle and his side splitting Carolina shag and also our eventual winner the semi-legendary Peter Purvess who beat the plucky former gymnast Suzanne Dando to the "Cut some rug" title at the weekend!!

Contrary to popular belief the show was NOT axed due to awful reviews and poor viewing figures (the suggestion that only 519 people watched Saturdays finale' is just plain evil and totally untrue) or that the huge success of the BBC's tawdry copy cat show "Strictly...." had a huge part to play in the downfall of what could have in time become a British tv institution, no folks at the end of the day all of us who have worked on the show have together shared something that will live in us all forever - from "Leisure" tv's chief executive Mike Saint, all the production crew, "Nesbitt media caterers" (especially for their wondrous pork and brisket mottled fulchers!) the researchers right down to the studio cleaning lady Bethel - yes we are blessed and honoured to have Cut some fookin' rug!!!

As you know the programme was due to run until just before Xmas but due to legal and top secret contractual reasons we had to fast track the show to it's momentous crescendo dance off on Saturday night, but things move on quickly folks and it's time for old Les to look to the future, I have already began work on my next project all of which will be revealed very, very soon!!

Xmas is on the horizon and this year I have foregone my annual panto stint to rest at home reflcting on what has been a very eventful year (in more ways than one!!)

In the meantime keep your spirits up folks and remember to watch those "Feet of fookin' flames!!!"

"Come some rug" goes LIVE!!!!

Well folks, what a weekend it's been - "Cut some Rug" finally went head to head with the beebs "Strictly come dancing" twaddle in a dance based battle to the death! and I'm confident that all at "Leisure TV" have played a collective blinder! we'll know in a few days time just how many people tuned into our amazingly glamorous debut show but the channels chief executive Mike Saint anticipate's the channels biggest viewing figures in it's entire 6 year history, so time will tell!

Sad news though for celebrity Tv paranormal crusader Denton Pentangle who found himself the first victim of the infamous "Cut some rug!" eviction as you the great British public opted to save cheeky blue northern comic Burton Curle instead!! old Burty just about did enough to keep himself in the show in my opinion indeed his "Carolina shag" with parter Monica Von Skeeten-Borgh was quite inspirational! and so he will be back next week for more dance based fun whilst sadly Denton will be confined to the great ballroom graveyard in the sky (erm metaphorically speaking of course folks.....)

But oh yes folks the show was a real delight from old Les and the still ravishingly beautiful Mavis Fekkit's wonderfully fragrant opening "Cha cha cha" routine right through to Su Pollards amusing and saucily salacious backstage titbits, we really couldn't have hoped for a better first show. Indeed relaxing in my palatial backstage dressing room after the show with my great showbiz pals Judith Chalmers, Bernie Clifton, Kendall Fontaine' and Stu "Ooh I could crush a grape" Francis we all concluded that the "Cut some rug" blueprint will truly take some stopping and with me old "Feet of Flames" Les at the helm the show has every chance of becoming a geniune Saturday nights TV ratings winner and quite possibly a British televisual institution!

Indeed over a richly bountiful backstage pork platter which included mini scotch eggs, Melton Mowbray porkington pie-slices, a smattering of balsamic vinegar pickled pigs trotters and many more pork based delights my old showbiz mucker Judith Chalmers and one time lover commented "Oohh Lesley I've never seen you so happy, if only Hinge could see you now darling!!" - which as you can guess started me right off, so much so that I rather drunkily and a tad hastily commandeered my loyal friend, agent and manager Maurice Shoteley to drive me straight up to Barrow in Furness there and then just so I could breath in the solemn, almost church like air of Maters's shrine back at my palatial 5 bedroom mini mock tudor mansion! after spending a few blissful hours in her replica room me and Maurice tended to Mater and Tobys graves on Sunday morning before hot footing it back down the M1 just in time for rehearsals for "Cut some Rug" on Sunday evening! eeh what a fookin' palaver and no mistake!!

I can't wait for next weeks show, it will be interesting to see if poor old Timmy Mallet recovers from his unfortunate twisted ankle injury sustained during his waltz to Spandau Ballets classic "True" and also to see if my old mate Burton Curle can once again rise like an overweight, persipring recovering alcholic phoenix from the flames to stay in the contest yet again - until Saturday folks dance on!!

Lets battle the Beeb all the way!!!

Yes folks my rallying, clarion call above says it all really - in a few weeks time we go head to head with the BBC in a ballroom dance based war of hellish almost apocalyptic proportions!! a tad dramtatic maybe but I believe that "Leisure" Tv's "Cut some Rug" has the potential and sheer star quality to slaughter the Beebs tawdry "Strictly come dancing" in the ratings war.....

With a list of high profile celebs lined up such as Blue Peter's Peter Purvess, Tv paranormal crusader Denton Pentangle, former ace gymnast Suzanne Dando, Wacky funster Timmy Mallet and recovering alcholic standup comic Burton Curle I believe the Great British public will switch on in their millions to be captivated by some truly great ballroom dance based entertainment.

It all kicks in 2 weeks time on Saturday nights at 7.30pm, so make sure you tune in folks - why not settle down on your favourite armchair perhaps with a nice rustic scotch egg or two and a large glass of port or maybe a pickled pigs trotter and a few glasses of malty brown ale will suit you better as you ease into the wondrous world of "Cut Some Rug!!!!!!!!!"

All the production team at "Leisure Tv" and everyone connected with the show in general are very excited about the barnstorming upcoming debut live show and as a huge treat and massive statement of intent we have managed to line up a truly great scoop for the first show.....yes my loyal companion, much beloved old dancing partner Mavis Fekkit and I will be opening the show with a sublime reconstruction of our infamous 1962 World championship winning "Cha cha cha" routine that delighted and stunned critics, judges and ballroom fans alike back in the day! Mavis has wisely seen sense regarding the ridicilous, barbaric and frankfully unsavoury legal injunction she had taken out against me 3 or 4 years back and has decided to look to the future with me her old dancing partner, former close friend and sometime lover back by her side....Eeeh I can hardly wait to once again after all these years "Cut Some fookin' Rug" with dear old Mavis! you really are a credit to Ballroom dancing Mavis and a fookin' right old proud beauty at that!

Mavis's husband the Barbados based multi millionaire tv impressario and businessman Lucifer Entwhistle has kindly agreed to financially back the show on condition that his dear wife Mavis steps into the breach to co-present the show in place of the lovingly bonkers Su Pollard. Sorry Su love but as you know thats' show business and as the game old trooper she is I'm sure she won't hold a grudge and will continue to be the consumate professional in her new drastically reduced role as back stage reporter and gossip monger amongst our Z list celebs!!!

I've been spending most of my spare time down in London recently as rehearsals have been feverishly taking place but "Leisure Tv" have kindly put me up in a sumptious listed country cottage just 40 minutes drive from the capital, as homeley as it is frankly I'm living out of my £1000 bespoke crocodile skin suitcase for now but fear not folks I have been making a regular weekly sabatical up to Barrow in Furness to check on Maters' grave (and Tobys too!!) and also to stock up on some fine pork based food items for my country larder such as some of the late much missed Selwyn Corbetts prime pork chops, his finest wild boar and sage sausages and a whole array of convenience snacks like his premium Mudchute farm pork pies, a few porky herby nudgers, the odd trotter or twelve and a few pigs heads thrown in for some severe stewing on the aga of my delightful country cottage!!

Eeeh isn't life grand!!?!?!?!?

See you soon people, and remember lets "Cut some rug!!!"

Lester

x

(Yet) Another journey back into the past.....

Greetings dear ballroom friends, sadly sales of my recent autobiography have fallen dramatically somewhat recently so in a truly shameful plug I offer this fascinating snippet from the said tome', now retailing at just £1.99 "it truly is a delight to the senses for all lovers of Les Sheepshanks, ballroom dancing, pork and life in general!" (Fettis Rinseed-Glove - The Barrow evening Herald)

Here we go with another fascinating glimpse from the annals of the Lester Sheepshanks treasure vaults - concentrating on my early ballroom dancing career - it's a chuffin' belter, enjoy!!

"Growing up on the rat infested back streets of Barrow in Furness were indeed a real, hard lesson in life and one which truly stood me in good stead for the huge successes, massive upheavals, terrible traumas and earth shattering tragedies which were to await me in later years. Life was hard back then, My wastrel Father Whitworth drank like a fish and beat us children regularly whilst Mater' worked like a graceful club footed, arthiritic shirehorse with a glass eye (but a proud one at that!)

Yes them was rotten days I say, life was especially difficult for me taking my first tentative steps in the heady world of competetive ballroom. Obviously I had a hell of a lot to live up too, it is no secret that dear old Mater was widely known as one of the Northern regions best ballroom dancers back in the 1930's and 40's, indeed her and her loyal partner the dashing and truly charming Gladstone Fishlathe' were regularly winners of some of the regions top competitions. Indeed there were several vicious rumours circulating that there was more to Mater' and Gladstones professional relationship than dancing but surely I would have known if there was as Mater' confided virtually everything in me - financial worries, fear of Father's brutal beatings, supper recipe' quandries even concern over her heavy and irregular monthlies!! yes our relationship truly was a fookin' special one and one which I miss even more now - god how I wish she was here...... back to dancing matters though - I couldn't possibly fully comprehend the full magnitude of the task involved in making dear old Mummy proud of me and my dancing career, but by eck Mater' I did it didn't I? yes I fookin' did you proud you old beauty you!!...

Even from an early age Mater' encouraged me with all of her heart and simply only wanted what was best for me and that obviously was to concentrate on my vastly promising ballroom career leaving schoolwork a sorry second, Father wanted me to follow him working in the towns tough shipyards but that was no place for a hugely talented, sensitive, pork loving dancing boy like me - no sir! Even then I knew I was different and that I was destined for truly monumental things, whilst the other boys were scrumping for apples or cheerily torturing stray cats or goading sickly pigeons in the back street I was pressing wild flowers and practising my dance moves at home - I was so advanced that I was even beating men twice my age in the working class clubs of Barrow in Furness in impromptu dancing contests at the age of fourteen!! eeh such good times!

But I really do owe most of my early success to precious Mater', after working a gruelling 14 hour shift at the local toilet factory Mater would leave for her early evening cleaning job down the bus depot before gracing the dance halls of Barrow with her club footed gazelle-like ballroom prowess. Not a lot of people know this but due to her agonising, and chronically severe gout Mater' won many of her contests wearing her loyal and trusty heavy size 10 orthopaedic dancing shoe! - pushing herself with sheer resolute dedication and a cast iron will to succeed through searing pain and agony. Mater what a proud, brave beauty you really were!!!!! Even back then though my father was insanely jealous of the unique loving bond that blossommed between dear sweet, silvery haired Mater and me, there is nothing shameful, unmanly or dubious about the true love between a Mother and her son, nothing at all folks - contrary to what simpering, lily livered fops like my arch nemesis and dance rival Austin Lockett would absurdly suggest in later years!!

I remember coming home from school one freezingingly cold Winters evening to find my drunken brute of a Father with his hands clasped tightly around Maters throat "You'll fookin ruin that boy Hinge" he hissed swigging from a bottle of brown ale. "Do you really want him to grow up as a queer, flower pressing, limp wristed ballroom dancing nancy boy!?!" he growled....Without a thought for my own safety I threw down my school satchel in fury and quickly slipped on my silken lilac dancing galsoshes and before you could say "Let's all Samba!" I had proceeded to distract Whitworth by executing a few rather fetching and imaginative dance moves on our threadbare living room rug....with the drunken old twot distracted Mater' bravely slipped from his clutches straight next door to seek help while I bravely took on the old bastid....Father may have beaten me to a sorry, blood soaked pulp and left me in Barrow infirmary for 3 weeks with a perforated lung, fractured jaw and four broken ribs but I learnt a valuable lesson that day and one which stood me in truly good stead to make me the man I am today!!! - a fookin' winner!!!

By the time of my 16th birthday I truly was the talk of the town and famous for my promising dancing skills, I lived, slept and breathed the joy of Ballroom dancing, and little else mattered to me really (except maybe for my blossoming love of pork and all it's fragrant wonders!!). In many ways I was growing far too big for the humble, broken town of Barrow and decided there and then to broaden my horizons as I packed my bag and headed off for the home of the famous tower ballroom and my true dancing Mecca.....fookin' BLACKPOOL!!!! oh yes!!"

Let's "Cut some Rug!!" (and nuzzle on some fine new pork based products!!)

How do ballroom comrades, as promised here I am back again to update you all on my appointment last week at the palatial £500 a night "Blossom meadow" private hospital, regarding a quick session on my annoying nauticals...thankfully things are fine folks, after a routine bout of staple Hemorrhoidectomy treatment I can now happily confirm that my badmintons are as right as rain. I even managed a few rounds of the foxtrot last night at my five bedroom mock tudor mini-mansion with my dear old former dance partner Florice Gussthorth!! Eeh it was chuffin' wonderful! I tell you I've still got it, I've still got it!!!

More good news arrived last week with the announcement that cable tv channel "Leisure" have confirmed that their highly anticipated new ballroom show "Cut some Rug" has been given the go ahead for a 10 week run to begin live broadcast in September! chuff' me I can hardly wait to get started!!! The basic premise of the show is that 10 brave, plucky celebs will try to take on the pro-dancers at their own game, yes in a scenario loosely connected to the BBC's "Strictly" fiasco I will be presenting the show alongside the lovely and very talented Su Pollard whilst a team of 3 expert former ballroom dancers - Reg Floss, the lovely Mrs.Preedy Cakebread and my old pal Lexington Crisp will be scoring our celebs gallant efforts!! Z-list stars already pencilled in include zany prankster Timmy Mallet, Blue Peter host and "conquerer" of Val Singleton the much loved Peter Purvess, former gymnastic star Suzanne Dando and alcoholic comic legend Burton Curle and they are all desperate to "Cut some Rug! I can tell you!!!" more news to follow!

I am very happy to confirm that "Corbetts" of Barrow in Furness the celebrated Pork Butchers have launched a brand new meat product onto the market this week. The "Uncle Les's battered pork boaster" is basically a fat, meaty slab of processed pork, ham and gristle enclosed in a luscious, golden crispy batter.....eeh I'm salivating just thinking about the porky fooker. Contrary to recent accusations in the local press the said product is in no way influenced by the famous Spam fritter and bare little or no resemblance to the said traditional processed pork treats, no they are a joint business effort between myself and the late great Selwynn Corbetts brother Cecil. We really expect them to take off in a big way and we are hoping to have a huge pork based hit on our hands!!! watch this space!!!

Hopefully in the next few weeks I will also be in a position to announce details of my next big dance/theatre "project", but until then Mum's the word, erm sorry make that Mater's the word! - the lovely, dear old sweet silvery haired old proud beauty!!

Until next time friends, take it easy!

Sun, sea, Judith Chalmers and my fiery chalfonts!!

Hola' everyone,

Yes I'm just recently back from an extended month long sabbatical in good old sunny Spain, yes folks I've spent 4 (mostly!) glorious sunshine, dance and pork filled weeks in my luxury 3 bedroom villa down on the Costa Del Sol! and what can I say readers but I'm refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to Rrrrrr-rhumba!

Not that I limited myself to just the world famous Rhumba whilst out in Espana', no indeed not - myself and my guests partook in all the disiciplines of that wondrous medium we call ballroom! and yes Mrs. Mortice Winbourne of Blackburn that does include the saucily named Carolina shag!!! but seriously folks I really did have a marvellous 4 weeks out there with my guests, loyal manager and agent Maurice Shoteley and his lovely wife Brenda, my old dancing pal Jervis Draycott and his wife Eunice (1965 Northern counties foxtrott champions) and my old showbiz mucker Judith Chalmers who dropped in for a few weeks whilst out there filming a segment for "Holidays for the old, infirm and incontinent" for cable tv station "Prime of your Life tv"!!!

Me and Judith go back many years but we are strictly good friends folks, the nearest I really ever got close to any kind of carnally related shennanigans with old perma tanned Judith was one night back in my luxury caravan in Bournemouth in 1986 when we both shared the same bed (and a cheeky pork nudger or two!) after a few sherries too many one evening, mind you one particularly hot night on holiday whilst getting ready to go out I "mistakenly walked in" on Judith to find her applying her infamous all over orange glowing fake tan and I tell you it was a sight that will live with me till the day I finally shuffle my last solemn foxtrot....Judith you really are a fookin' proud beauty!!

I must say also that I've enjoyed some first class scran out in Spain during the last few weeks, I know I lovely little bar/cafe' owned by a wonderful Blackpool couple Wilf and Val Kettlechip that I've been frequenting for the last 20 years, they really do serve up some top notch dishes including a mean steak and kidney pie and my personal favourite their famous or should I say INFAMOUS "All day breakfast bucket!" which is literally a large cardboard container much like the ones used in KFC outlets back in Blighty which is filled to the brim with a selection of pork sausages, bacon, fried eggs, chips, black pooooooding, fried tomatos, mushrooms, fried bread, a gammon steak and finally lashings of prime pork juice liberally drizzled over the top" - eeeh pork fookin' heaven!!!

As ever though the memory of Mater' was never far from my mind dear readers and on return to my luxury 5 bedroom mock Tudor mini mansion this week I was delighted by the work Barrow based interior designer Roger Paquette' has put into restoring Hinge's bedroom room once again....at a princely £10,000 it was cheap at half the price (cheers Rog son!) it is like she has never been away. Mater's bed, pink floral eiderdown and sheets are safely encased in a non perishable plastic coating, her size 10 orthapaedic dance shoe nestles lovingly on the sideboard, her token glass eye sits with dignity on the mantlepice and who could overlook her beloved ball gowns hanging serenley in the oak wardrobe? eeeh such fookin' memories! it really is a tasteful and respectful shrine to my dear Mater'!!!

But back to Spain folks, we really did have some top times down at Chez' Lesley. I'm afraid though I spent most nights alone in the master bedroom apart from the final lucky evening when after a nice meal and a few drinks down at "Keiths British Pub" on the main sea front I managed to snare the lovely Phylis from Cardiff. Suffice to say after a few more large sherries back at the villa I dutily treated the game Welsh girl to a truly majestic love-dance of her life, yes in more ways than one I took old Phylis to heaven and back, by the fook Les is back, yes I'm BACK!!!!!

The only low point of the month was my fookin' pesky chalfonts flaring up, yes my grapes were well and truly knackered!! lucklily I'd packed a few industrial size tubes of "Anusol" cream so help was at hand. Within hours and before you could say "Samba" the soothing lotion had shrunk my farmers whilst soothing the nagging itching and generally relieiving the pain and discomfort. Fear not though loyal dance fans I'm booked into the exclusive "Blossom meadow" private hospital in West Barrow for a full MOT of my itchy ceramics next Friday!

Until then I'll update and tell you how I get on, must dash as there's a couple of tasty looking "Corbetts prime Pork pies" in the fridge with my name on the pork fat and gristle filled fookers! see you soon and remember keep on dancing!!

Back on my feet.....

Good morning dance lovers, firstly I must thank you all for the heartfelt concern and kind words that you have conveyed to me in my time of need (see post below) - literally dozens of you have e-mailed me and sent cards and a special heartfelt thanks must go out to Mrs. Doreen Hewitt of Doncaster for her lovely homemade "12 Piece Pork Bonanza Pie" which arrived fresh via Parcel-Force yesterday afternoon.

Mrs.Hewitt assures me that this sumptious dish is her own take on the infamous "10 bird pie" that includes pigeon, spatch-cock, duck, turkey etc I believe, right on sandal wearers like game loving fop like Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall are waffling on about it quite a bit these days!! basically the crumbliest home made rustic pastry is encased around the twelve finest and most delectable forms of pork known to man. Starting up from the bottom of the pie you work your way up through prime woodchute farm sausage meat into delectable slices of finest gammon followed by some top notch bacon slithers smothered in maple syrup then you bathe' in some majestical pigs blood black pooooooooding before you seep into some beautiful honey roast ham from Norfolk before passing through a whole range of porky treasures until you reach the summit where upon an unfeasibly generous drizzle of pork fat/slurry is poured into the pie to create a gelatinous, moist fat mound of pork based heaven!!! Eeeh it's making me salivate just thinking about it now! chuffin ell served up last night with some crisp iceberg lettuce leaves and a few buuuuuuuutered Jersey Royals it was fookin' blissful!!!

All in all I have been astounded by the generosity and sheer devotion of the great British public, thanks everyone you proud fookin' beauties!!

You will be relieved to know that work has finally begun on returning Mater's shrine back into the celestial, beautiful haven it once was before that fookin' old scrote got her trotters into it.....work shall be finished in a few weeks time and I shall look forward to being able to spend many more reflective and solemn moments alone in there, just me, a few orthapedic shoes, her plastic covered bed spread and my dear memories of sweet Mater'.......

It fills me with huge sadness to report that "CHUFFIN' HELL, WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!" will not be returning to the nations theatres in any major capacity as hoped, as you may recall back in February the decision was made to embark on a weeks residency in Barrow in Furness before hopefully being picked up by one of the big London theatre impressarios and hopefully taking the West End by storm, sadly it was not to be and so with regret we will be staging a final gala one off performance at the Theare Royal in Barrow in July to mark the passing of this once potentially record breaking show! - Most of the original cast will be returning including Bernie Clifton, Ruth Madoc, cable tv paranormal crusader Denton Pentangle and also The Lester Sheepshanks dance troupe'....sadly Burton Curle' will not be able to make the show as he is currently undergoing treatment for severe alcoholic dependency in the Priory clinic in London, my best wishes go out to old Burty sending him warm greetings for a speedy recovery, when your back on your feet Burton son we'll have to meet up for a quick whisky (or seven!!) eh Burty, what do you say old son!?!?!? erm sorry er maybe not Burton sorry big lad........

Still life goes on and there are still many projects keeping old Les busy. I'm in negotiations to star as a judge and expert on Living Tv's new all star ballroom dance based show "Cut some rug!" and have also got my dance school in Barrow in Furness keeping me pretty busy along with a brilliant upcoming appearance on "Celebrity Master Chef" this summer so keep your eyes open for that one, until then I'm signing off with a cheery grin and wink, until next time keep on dancing folks!!!

P.s - I'll post in a few weeks time as I'm nipping off to my luxury villa on the Costa Del Sol this week with my dear old friend and manager Maurice Shoteley for a short, relaxing break, fookin' ell' I need it after the last few chuffin' weeks....hee hee!!

Forgive me Mater' for I have sinned....

Yes it's true my loyal friends, the title says it all - you may recall that back in March how I regaled you all with my seemingly innocent and joyful tales of the true love that I had finally found with sweet, florid Alma? well I can confirm that the old fookin' trout faced, gammy legged scrote was only a chuffin' goldigger!!! Aye intent on stealing old Twinkletoes heart (and more importantly cash!) for her own blessed, immoral gains!!

I must say that I did have my suspicions quite early on in our "relationship". For example whenever we dined out at one of my many favourite pork based carvery's I more often than not found myself footing the bill! now I'm no dinosaur readers and I know all about chivilary and honour and yes I'm not short of a few bob being the true Ballroom legend and all round dance impressario that I am but come on this is 1973, erm sorry 2008 and surely in this day of equal rights and womens lib the fairer sex should sometimes take the financial initiative as it were and put there hand in there purses!?? fook me backwards with one of my old synthetic dancing galoshes!!! secondly I happened to one day fatefully spy upon one of Alma's screwed up bank statements in my kitchen bin which showed a balance of just £9.08.....the old crow had told me she was very comfortably well off after her late husband Buxton had left her a cool £800,000 from the sale of his haulage firm 3 months previously! and finally I heard a sobering and gut-renching conversation a few weeks ago, one that rocked my world to the very fookin' core!!!

I awoke at about 11.45pm that fateful Tuesday evening and softly reached out to put my arm around old Alma for a quick caress (and maybe even a late-night love dance of our loins if I was very lucky!!) only to find that she wasn't there, "she's probably gone downstairs for a glass of water" I thought to myself or maybe to take one of her industrial strength painkillers if her gammy hoof was playing up again. Softly and lovingly I crept downstairs and loitered briefly in the hallway in order to surprise my dear, sweet love when suddenly I heard a whispering, hushed voice from the living room, it was only fookin' Alma talking on her new snazzy mobile phone (yes the one I'd chuffin' bought her only that week for £90.00!) - well the words I heard dear readers will haunt me to the day I die and finally am reunited with my beloved Mater'! I find it hard to relive and even think about that moment now but it turns out that she was only going to Marry me and get me to sign all my estate and modest wealth over to her, she had been plotting this foul, devious game of deception apparently with her alleged dead husband Buxton for over six months and had even instigated the very day we had met in the supermarket some months back, well fook me I was truly shattered and so after composing myself I swiftly pasa-dobled into the front room and after executing one of my infamous, legendary short-thrust, touch-toes pelvic quinnel moves I grabbed her by the arm and angrily flung her down crashing onto to my precious chaise lounge', after a desperatley half hearted plea by Alma that "it had all been some dreadful mistake" on my part and that she really, truly loved me the hardened old snatch only tried to imply that I was senile and had simply imagined the whole thing. Well I was chuffin' furious and so before you could say "Pasa-doble'" I threw her out the front door quickly followed by her suitcase and shoddy belongings!!!

I can't convey to you my true friends how low I feel at this moment in time, I feel even lower than I did back in the summer of 1964 after I finally lost my history making unbeaten streak of 34 victorious dance competitions. Yes you may recall that I was beaten by that camp, horsefooted simpering twot Austin Lockett in very suspicious circumstances indeed!! But getting back to Alma, I truly believed that she was the one loyal friends, as you may remember I had even redecorated Mater's shrine and had virtually wiped almost all trace of precious Hinge from my 5 bedroomed Barrow mock Tudor mansion for that woman, Maters' shrine is now gone, fook knows how much it will cost me to put it right again!! but it's not just about money folks it's about love, trust and faith and once again I have been decieved by a woman....This is precisely why I have never really let anyone into my life apart from sweet silvery haired Mater.

I'm so very sorry Mater' I know I have let you down greatly but if you can forgive me I promise on this day to honour and cherish your sacred memory until the day I perish and am reunited with you in heaven, me sat gingerly smiling with a large sweet sherry and a Corbetts "special range" luxury scotch egg and you tugging on your precious 1942 Wetherby-Foxwaite hunting pipe with an unfeasibly large pork pie in your hand!!!!!

It's just you and me from now on Mater', just you and fookin me yer proud beauty!!!

Needless to say my many loyal, devoted showbiz friends have been virtual towers of strength....Judith Chalmers has been in touch has as that old trooper and former lover of mine Angela Rippon, Roger De Courcy has also dropped me an e-mail or two and as ever ol' Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich sidekick have been rocks!!!

Celebrity Master Chef....what a fookin' palaver!

Well folks, firstly heartfelt apologies about the huge delay in updating my blog but as you'll find out soon enough I've been a bit busy of late and so my on-line journal has had to take second place to the myriad of aromatic pork/heart touching wonders and shenanigans going on in my life at the minute!! It's been a right chuffin' conundrum trying to keep this one to myself but fook it I have to tell you - you may have or not read in the press lately that popular BBC cooking show "Celebrity Masterchef" is returning to our screens soon and yes ol' Twinkletoes has been approached to take part!! I was a bit dubious at first when my agent Maurice Shoteley briefed me about the offer but any tv is good tv and also being a keen amateur cook I thought why not? I'll give it a whirl!

Firstly I have to confirm that my opinion of both judges on the show has definitley changed since my heat was filmed four weeks ago though, the shiny headed vegetable expert with the glasses seems a cheeky, cockney chappie on the tv but off screen he was a first class sh*tter to me I have to say, throughout the whole two days filming he rarely offered any of us much real constructive critisism, nay it was all fookin' digs and putdowns!!......the Torode rotter wasn't much better either and as you'll see when the series is aired the Ausie fooker royally slaughtered my truly innovative all-pork based menu!! anyway more of that later!

Upon arrival at Masterchef HQ I was informed by the young BBC production bint that I was cooking against Welsh hurdling journeyman Colin Jackson and 1980's synth pop star Howard Jones....well what a pair of twots and no mistake. I suppose to be fair Jackson has achieved quite a bit in his chosen sport and does do some valuable charity work I'm told but Jones really fookin' grated on me....he spent most of the two days boring all and sundry with tales of synth-pop trivia and endless boasts of his carnal conquests back in the day! - honestly you wouldn't find me publicly airing my loves and past partners via the spoken OR written word! fook off Jones and take your mental chains with you yer chuffin' idiot....sorry about that little rant there readers but it makes my blood boil I tell you.....in my day you had to earn celebrity status through sheer hard work and talent but not now......the likes of Gloria Hunniford, Angela Rippon, Royston "Titch" Tinders (1967 British Ballroom mens runner up), Bernie Clifton and Burton Curle etc would be turning in there collective graves now (if erm any of them were errr actually dead that is.

Anyway first up was the quick invention round where we had to design and cook a dish of our own choice from a selection of ingredients including tinned tomatoes, pasta, green peppers, salmon fillets, new potatoes, asparagus tips, broadbeans and some.....PORK MINCE!! yes I thought I'm safe - I soon got to work on a simple yet tasty starter of a sumptous, pan fried pork nudger on a bed of sauteted' new potatos with garlic and broadbeans smothered in the rendered pork fat from my old meaty nudger!....eeeh it was manna from pork-heaven I tell you.....sadly the judges weren't as enamoured as myself and so after a critical mauling ("lack of seasoning", "do you think a pork BURGER is good enough to progress in this competition really?", pork burger!?!?!? the cheeky rotters! anyway we were sent to a top London Italian restaraunt for the next round and thats when thing started to really hot up!

After donning our comical kitchen wear and amusing chef hats we were all assigned seperate dishes, Jackson was doing the starter of tomato, basil and mozarella tartlets whilst synth pop fooker Jones was assigned the dessert of traditional Tiramisu......whilst ol Les drew the short straw and was given the highly complicated task of ricotta raviloli in a herb and tomato based sauce....well fook I had to make the pasta fresh myself, stuff the fookin raviolis, skin the tomatos myself to make the sauce...fookin hell I thought, To make matters worse in the midst of afternoon service who sauntered in to the plush "Mantioni's" restaraunt of the West End but my old showbiz pal and mucker Nicholas Parsons!!! well I had to say hello it would be rude not to and so after a swift three sweet sherries and a nice wander down memory lane with old Parso' it was back to the pass for me and a quick b*llocking from the head chef Bruno!!! Eeh the chuffin' fooker!

Anyway after 2 hours of torrid service we all muddled through and then it was back to Masterchef HQ for the final round where we had to make a 3 course meal of our own design.......

For my menu I had chosen a bold starter of a pigs trotter pickled in balsamic vinegar, basil and worcester sauce on a bed of spinach with crispy bacon bits scattered around it, for my main I opted for an innovative and inventive pan Asian/British pork-fusion dish consisting of pigs kidneys, seasoned in flour and spices and carefully pan fried, served with egg noodles, sweet and sour vegetables and local Barrow reared black pudding slithers with a refreshing minty mushy pea and lime couli...eeeh it was a fookin' delight to my tastebuds! I tell you Heston Blumental would have been proud of old Lesley!!

And finally for my dessert I went all out for a highly experimental dish of a gammon and pineapple infused jelly with a handmade vanilla ice cream and thin maple syruped bacon wafers, well what can I say the fookers hated it, as I stated earlier Greg described it as a "culinary abomination!" and at one point had to stop filming to retch into a nearby bin whilst the Aussie feller described it as "truly a bizzare and obscene mish mash of flavours and styles, an insult to goodtaste and cooking!!" well needless to say I didn't go through to the next round as Colin Jackson clinced it with his safe traditional Welsh menu.....but I had a good few days of fun at the BBC's expense and I'd like to say a made some new friends on the way but I fookin' didn't.

Anyway before you could say "pasa doble" I had foxtrotted my way out of the back door and straight back to my four star hotel to meet up with Alma, after a quick shower us two old lovers of the dance world began making sensual based love on the floor of our sumptious hotel room, although at one point poor old Alma's gammy leg began to seize up with acute excruciating, raging pins and needles but after a few sweet sherries and a rubdown from old Lesley we resumed our intense dance of love before I treated Alma to a top notch roast pork dinner at a fine carvery in London's west end!! all in all it was a good three days in the capital!

Until next time, farewell!!

The Sacred Splendor of True Love.....

Alma and myself last week recreating our fateful first meeting by the checkout in Sainsburys for all you good, good people!! (Below)



Eeeeh, chuffin' fook....!! firstly folks sorry for not posting for a while but I've been snowed under, things have been really good in "Lesley-land" this past month, the new musical/dance extravaganza is finally going swimmingly well, my "accidental" tax evasion shennanigans seem to be resolved and yes personally things finally seem to be looking up for ol' twinkle toes also, for dear readers I hope not to tempt fate but I think I have found love.......YES the age old gift of romance, hearts and flowers and joy seems to be fluttering in old Sheepsy's heart once again! I won't go into too much detail but I literally "bumped" into Alma a few weeks ago as she was limping at the check out section of my local Sainsburys....... I knew instantly that we had much in common, for nestling in her rusty metal shopping basket were two luscious pork chops, a gammon steak, a packet of bacon, some prime pork and apple sausages and a fine pork joint!!! eeh fookin' chuff I thought to myself as I clicked my heels and danced a nimble little rhumba move to announce my arrival in Almas life! it also later turned out that she was only a lover of the medium of ballroom to boot, I thought all my christmases had come at once!

I'm pretty sure that Alma won't mind me being so candid and frank with you my loyal fans but well we got talking and after a large tea and a cheese and ham toastie in my local cafe' things began to really simmer and before you could say "chuffin' fook" we were back at my palatial 5 bedroom mock tudor mini mansion, romping and cavorting on the pristine plastic covered bed in Mater's shrine....I'll never forget the euphoric emotions and sheer joy I felt as I gifted the sprightly 76 year old Alma with all my lifetimes wisdom of dance based sexual prowess and vigour, and I'd like to think that she would enjoy the memory for a long time too. Excuse my coarseness readers but I can't help myself, I'm in love - it's the real fookin' thing I tell you!!!

You may also be surprised by the location of our sacred love making, as Mater's shrine has been a place of solemn reflection for me for many a year but I tell you as soon as I saw Alma limping by the cash register I knew there and then that she was the proud beauty who could finally help me to lay the memory of Mater' to rest, I've lived in the past for far too long, spending my time wrestling with the glorious ghost of Mater' I have to move on and yes certainly I must keep the sacred memory of Mater in my heart but I have to start living again, for the sake of my own chuffin' sanity if nothing else. Well within a week of our whirlwind courtship I had ripped out all memory of Hinge from that cold, morgue of a bedroom and have converted it into a boys game's room complete with a billiard table, a fridge stocked with a large consignment of vintage sherry, a few bottles of brown ale and some tasty pork based bar snacks such as sausage rolls, scotch eggs and some of the legendary "Corbetts porky herby pork pies", a juke box, a few vintage one armed bandits, a domino table and a wonderful authentic 1967 "shove ha'penny board!!! eeh it's fookin' smashin' a chuffin' belter.......suffice to say I couldn't escape from the hazy memories of Hinge completely so all her precious belongings and trinkets are divided between my loft at home and a big imposing, soulless cold storage room down at "Easy-Storage!" in Barrow!!!

Anyway as I say I feel on top of the world, it's like something from my one of my dear old friend and romantic novelist Kendall Fontaine's lovely books and I'm pretty sure that old Mater will be looking down on me from heaven, tugging on her pipe as she enjoys a scotch egg or two resplendent in a shimmering ballgown with her silvery lard encrusted hair thinking "eeh fookin' hell Les son, good on yer!!!! I forgive you lad!"

The only low point of the last month has been that my pesky agonising gout has really flared up so I have been forced to use a walking stick for the last few weeks, not good I tell you but ol' Les will be back gliding and skipping before you can say "Rhumba"!!!

I'll never forget Mater' readers but I'm not a young man anymore and in Alma I've found a real proud beauty..........so till next time keep on pasa-dobling and keep your dancing trotters twitching!