Hi folks,
Sorry for the delay but how was your Christmas? I have to say that mine was mostly first class although not without a few unsavoury incidents but to be fair on the whole I have to declare that it was a beltin' festive few days with all the Xmas prerequisites - Unfeasibly expensive fine wines, entertaining showbiz friends, the fragrant authentic pine Xmas tree, mistletoe, lots of presents.......and plenty of fookin' prime pork!!!! yes once again I shunned the tired, strangulated traditional turkey for a 2.5kg loin of pork and I can tell you that the crackling was divine and the roasties were heavenly - eeeh Mater' would have been so proud of me!!
Things began peacefully enough on Xmas eve with the arrival of my special guests for the festive period, first to turn up was my old showbiz mucker and sometime lover the alluringly orange Judith Chalmers, closely followed by the bonkers Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich sidekick Oswald, my loyal manager Maurice Shoteley and his lovely wife Brenda and finally former dance partner Mavis Fekkit and her millionaire t.v impressario and businessman husband Lucifer Entwhistle......
After a welcoming glass of warm mulled wine and an M&S lxury mince pie I showed my guests to their sleeping quarters to unpack, Maurice and his wife were in the lower wing guest room whilst Bernie Clifton and Oswald had taken the small but comfy box room on the top floor while Mavis and Lucifer were assigned the 2nd largest room next door to mine. Poor old Judith Chalmers had to make do with a camp bed in the utility room next to the kitchen after she spurned my offer of sharing my luxury, paltial bedroom. It was either that or the settee and as dear old Judith has a rather dodgy back these days she reluctantly opted for the draughty but "cosy" utility room - I did put in a rug and an extra floral eiderdown for her comfort and also her own teasmaid but I don't think Judith was too pleased with me for the majority of the Xmas break, can't see why?!!?!? - the chuffin, miserable fookin' old boiler!!
Anyway after a couple games of gin rummy and a few large sherries we all welcomed in Xmas day in front of the tv watching the solemn eucharist service on BBC1 followed by a recording of my infamous 1970 British pairs championship win before retiring in preparation of the big day!
I awoke excitedly at about 7.30am and after a quick shower and shave I quietly looked in on a rather disgruntled Judith Chalmers in the utility room before beginning work on rustling up a sterling pork based breakfast for my lucky guests. I decided on 12 large duck eggs, 25 rashers of prime Mudchute farm organic bacon, a few packets of "Corbetts master butchers" special festive pork, turkey, sage and onion "Xmas bangers!" and a handful of fat slices of luxury black pooding for luck!! after heartily scoffing our topnotch breakfasts we retired into the front room to open the presents that were stacked under the Sheepshanks Christmas tree. As is tradition firstly my assembled friends had to wait until I had completed the annual Xmas day tradition of exchanging presents with Mater' in the comfort of her "shrine". Mater' had bought me the new CD "Inspired" by Des O'Connor while I had given her a wonderful hand knitted £175.00 lemon coloured cardigian from Harrods - I'm sure she would have cherished it and I can just picture her now sat astride a fluffy white cloud in heaven, resplendent in her new yellow cardy - her lard encrusted hair shimmering in the celestial, heavenly light as she serenley tugs on one of her antique 1935 "Eggchester and Nasalcrest" luxury hunting pipes, a large meaty pork pie in the other hand and a cool gin and tonic resting on a coffee table next to her.........
After shedding a few tears I gingerley slipped back downstairs to join my lovely friends. It was around now that I realised that the day was not going to be the festive bonanza I had earlier wished for. Judiths face was like fookin' thunder and I knew it wasn't because of the undercooked Xmas banger I had served up to her earlier!!! we all recieved some wonderful gifts - multi millionaire Lucifer Entwhistle bought a beautiful but slightly austintatious £300,000 diamond clustered necklace for dear Mavis Fekkit while my loyal old friend Maurice Shoteley had bought his wife Brenda a rather fetching lurid, red, lacy and some might say "downright tacky" negligee' (not sure if was the done thing to give it to her in front of the rest of us though Maurice old son, maybe should have saved it till bedtime!!!) my old mucker Bernie Clfton had recieved a years subscription to Health and Efficiency magazine from myself and Judith Chalmers gave me a wonderful gold framed picture of myself, Mater' and our dear late red setter "Bingo" sat on Blackpool beach in 1962 which I will cherish forever......
Whilst my proud guests played a few games of Charades and Twister and got stuck into my collection of fine antique wines (the cheeky fookers!) I sat to work on the Xmas dinner!! Eeeh it was a truimph I tell you and the most positive compliments were made on my pork loin joint and crispy "lard basted" roastington potatoes which were a secret recipe passed from dear old departed Mater'.
After lunch dear old Bernie Clifton fell asleep for a few hours and at one point we actually thought the game old trooper was dead!! until old Oswald raised up menacingly from the settee aside Bernie and cheekily pecked on one of old Judith Chalmers orange perma tanned bingo wings!!! eeh laugh I thought I'd never chuffin' start!
Things went a bit sour some time later mind which was a bit unfortunate as it was shaping up to be a top Xmas day and make no mistake......sometime around eight o'clock I sensed that Judith was a little bit tipsy and ripe for some festive action under the mistletoe and so while my guests busily indulged in some first class showbiz banter I asked Judith if she would come and help me to fetch some more drinks from the kitchen, sensing my chance I stealthily slid up behind Judith grasping some mistletoe and gently puckered up for some action!! - "Eeeh come on Judith yer proud old beauty lets be avin' yer!!" I cried moving in for a Xmas smooch. But before you could say Ambre Solaire old Judith cried "Jesus Les you silly old bastid' get off me right now!!" before kicking me with a certain degree of malice right in the groinal region (just narrowly missing my ailing grapes!!) before fleeing back to the lounge in anger!!
I have to say that that took the gloss off the evening slightly for me folks and although the rest of the Xmas break was very pleasant I must admit I expected more from Judith. We go back a long way and I have been there for her through thick and thin. Back in 1992 when she had her "troubles" with the bottle who was there for her? yes me and dear old departed Toby (my red setter!!) She also seems to forget the wonderfully florid times that we shared back in the 70's in my luxury caravan down in Eastbourne....oh well nothing ventured as they say!! Sorry aboout the delay on news of my latest dance based extravaganza folks but I will update soon - so until next time folks keep on dancing!!!!
