Hola' everyone,
Yes I'm just recently back from an extended month long sabbatical in good old sunny Spain, yes folks I've spent 4 (mostly!) glorious sunshine, dance and pork filled weeks in my luxury 3 bedroom villa down on the Costa Del Sol! and what can I say readers but I'm refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to Rrrrrr-rhumba!
Not that I limited myself to just the world famous Rhumba whilst out in Espana', no indeed not - myself and my guests partook in all the disiciplines of that wondrous medium we call ballroom! and yes Mrs. Mortice Winbourne of Blackburn that does include the saucily named Carolina shag!!! but seriously folks I really did have a marvellous 4 weeks out there with my guests, loyal manager and agent Maurice Shoteley and his lovely wife Brenda, my old dancing pal Jervis Draycott and his wife Eunice (1965 Northern counties foxtrott champions) and my old showbiz mucker Judith Chalmers who dropped in for a few weeks whilst out there filming a segment for "Holidays for the old, infirm and incontinent" for cable tv station "Prime of your Life tv"!!!
Me and Judith go back many years but we are strictly good friends folks, the nearest I really ever got close to any kind of carnally related shennanigans with old perma tanned Judith was one night back in my luxury caravan in Bournemouth in 1986 when we both shared the same bed (and a cheeky pork nudger or two!) after a few sherries too many one evening, mind you one particularly hot night on holiday whilst getting ready to go out I "mistakenly walked in" on Judith to find her applying her infamous all over orange glowing fake tan and I tell you it was a sight that will live with me till the day I finally shuffle my last solemn foxtrot....Judith you really are a fookin' proud beauty!!
I must say also that I've enjoyed some first class scran out in Spain during the last few weeks, I know I lovely little bar/cafe' owned by a wonderful Blackpool couple Wilf and Val Kettlechip that I've been frequenting for the last 20 years, they really do serve up some top notch dishes including a mean steak and kidney pie and my personal favourite their famous or should I say INFAMOUS "All day breakfast bucket!" which is literally a large cardboard container much like the ones used in KFC outlets back in Blighty which is filled to the brim with a selection of pork sausages, bacon, fried eggs, chips, black pooooooding, fried tomatos, mushrooms, fried bread, a gammon steak and finally lashings of prime pork juice liberally drizzled over the top" - eeeh pork fookin' heaven!!!
As ever though the memory of Mater' was never far from my mind dear readers and on return to my luxury 5 bedroom mock Tudor mini mansion this week I was delighted by the work Barrow based interior designer Roger Paquette' has put into restoring Hinge's bedroom room once again....at a princely £10,000 it was cheap at half the price (cheers Rog son!) it is like she has never been away. Mater's bed, pink floral eiderdown and sheets are safely encased in a non perishable plastic coating, her size 10 orthapaedic dance shoe nestles lovingly on the sideboard, her token glass eye sits with dignity on the mantlepice and who could overlook her beloved ball gowns hanging serenley in the oak wardrobe? eeeh such fookin' memories! it really is a tasteful and respectful shrine to my dear Mater'!!!
But back to Spain folks, we really did have some top times down at Chez' Lesley. I'm afraid though I spent most nights alone in the master bedroom apart from the final lucky evening when after a nice meal and a few drinks down at "Keiths British Pub" on the main sea front I managed to snare the lovely Phylis from Cardiff. Suffice to say after a few more large sherries back at the villa I dutily treated the game Welsh girl to a truly majestic love-dance of her life, yes in more ways than one I took old Phylis to heaven and back, by the fook Les is back, yes I'm BACK!!!!!
The only low point of the month was my fookin' pesky chalfonts flaring up, yes my grapes were well and truly knackered!! lucklily I'd packed a few industrial size tubes of "Anusol" cream so help was at hand. Within hours and before you could say "Samba" the soothing lotion had shrunk my farmers whilst soothing the nagging itching and generally relieiving the pain and discomfort. Fear not though loyal dance fans I'm booked into the exclusive "Blossom meadow" private hospital in West Barrow for a full MOT of my itchy ceramics next Friday!
Until then I'll update and tell you how I get on, must dash as there's a couple of tasty looking "Corbetts prime Pork pies" in the fridge with my name on the pork fat and gristle filled fookers! see you soon and remember keep on dancing!!
