Eeeeh, chuffin' fook....!! firstly folks sorry for not posting for a while but I've been snowed under, things have been really good in "Lesley-land" this past month, the new musical/dance extravaganza is finally going swimmingly well, my "accidental" tax evasion shennanigans seem to be resolved and yes personally things finally seem to be looking up for ol' twinkle toes also, for dear readers I hope not to tempt fate but I think I have found love.......YES the age old gift of romance, hearts and flowers and joy seems to be fluttering in old Sheepsy's heart once again! I won't go into too much detail but I literally "bumped" into Alma a few weeks ago as she was limping at the check out section of my local Sainsburys....... I knew instantly that we had much in common, for nestling in her rusty metal shopping basket were two luscious pork chops, a gammon steak, a packet of bacon, some prime pork and apple sausages and a fine pork joint!!! eeh fookin' chuff I thought to myself as I clicked my heels and danced a nimble little rhumba move to announce my arrival in Almas life! it also later turned out that she was only a lover of the medium of ballroom to boot, I thought all my christmases had come at once!
I'm pretty sure that Alma won't mind me being so candid and frank with you my loyal fans but well we got talking and after a large tea and a cheese and ham toastie in my local cafe' things began to really simmer and before you could say "chuffin' fook" we were back at my palatial 5 bedroom mock tudor mini mansion, romping and cavorting on the pristine plastic covered bed in Mater's shrine....I'll never forget the euphoric emotions and sheer joy I felt as I gifted the sprightly 76 year old Alma with all my lifetimes wisdom of dance based sexual prowess and vigour, and I'd like to think that she would enjoy the memory for a long time too. Excuse my coarseness readers but I can't help myself, I'm in love - it's the real fookin' thing I tell you!!!
You may also be surprised by the location of our sacred love making, as Mater's shrine has been a place of solemn reflection for me for many a year but I tell you as soon as I saw Alma limping by the cash register I knew there and then that she was the proud beauty who could finally help me to lay the memory of Mater' to rest, I've lived in the past for far too long, spending my time wrestling with the glorious ghost of Mater' I have to move on and yes certainly I must keep the sacred memory of Mater in my heart but I have to start living again, for the sake of my own chuffin' sanity if nothing else. Well within a week of our whirlwind courtship I had ripped out all memory of Hinge from that cold, morgue of a bedroom and have converted it into a boys game's room complete with a billiard table, a fridge stocked with a large consignment of vintage sherry, a few bottles of brown ale and some tasty pork based bar snacks such as sausage rolls, scotch eggs and some of the legendary "Corbetts porky herby pork pies", a juke box, a few vintage one armed bandits, a domino table and a wonderful authentic 1967 "shove ha'penny board!!! eeh it's fookin' smashin' a chuffin' belter.......suffice to say I couldn't escape from the hazy memories of Hinge completely so all her precious belongings and trinkets are divided between my loft at home and a big imposing, soulless cold storage room down at "Easy-Storage!" in Barrow!!!
Anyway as I say I feel on top of the world, it's like something from my one of my dear old friend and romantic novelist Kendall Fontaine's lovely books and I'm pretty sure that old Mater will be looking down on me from heaven, tugging on her pipe as she enjoys a scotch egg or two resplendent in a shimmering ballgown with her silvery lard encrusted hair thinking "eeh fookin' hell Les son, good on yer!!!! I forgive you lad!"
The only low point of the last month has been that my pesky agonising gout has really flared up so I have been forced to use a walking stick for the last few weeks, not good I tell you but ol' Les will be back gliding and skipping before you can say "Rhumba"!!!
I'll never forget Mater' readers but I'm not a young man anymore and in Alma I've found a real proud beauty..........so till next time keep on pasa-dobling and keep your dancing trotters twitching!
