Eeeh such sweet fookin' memories!!

Whilst sifting through one of my dusty old scrapbooks just now I stumbled across this press release from the "Barrow in Furness Evening News" dated June the 17th 1985 and just HAD to share it with you my loyal fans.....

"Maurice Shoteley enterprises presents in conjunction with Corbetts master butchers of Barrow:-

"LESTER SHEEPSHANKS in CAP'N LESTER AND HIS BARNACLED SHEEPY SHANKS!"

An extravaganza of music, cabaret and dance for all the family,

Starring Lester Sheepshanks, Bernie Clifton and his hilarious ostrich, Bernie Nolan, Gary Wilmott, the Brian Rogers dancers and a full supporting cast!!!

Ballroom maestro Lester Sheepshanks is Cap'n Lester, a sea-faring friendly sea-dog with a cheeky glint in his eye and the proud custodian of the good ship Hinge', with his crew of loveable pirate rogues including Bernie Clifton as Jim the cabin boy and his pet ostrich Oswald they are on a mission to bring peace, harmony and ballroom dancing to the seas...!!!

With nearly 90 minutes of whip-cracking humour and dance fun this wacky show is a must for all the family and is sure to open to packed house's so get your tickets now....!!!"

Such sweet fookin' memories!! - what a chuffin' show that was!!!!

Regrets, fate, tax evasion and Zhu Za tang (Pigs organ soup!)

How do folks, well what can I say? it's been a few fookin' awful couple of weeks for me and make no mistake...you may have already read in the national and local press that things have not been going too well for the impending production of "CHUFFIN' HELL, WHERE'S ME OSTRICH!??!!!"

I can now unfortunately confirm that the vicious rumours and twisted stories are sadly true, yes we have had to pull the plug on our original grand plan of taking the show around the rundown backstreet theatres of the country before hitting the West End, which is a fookin' disaster in itself as I know a beltin' little pork carvery establishment just off Shaftesbury Avenue!! believe me they do a top pork loin roast served with buuuter glazed pan fried asparagus, sauted' potatoes and green beans - but never mind instead we will be doing a week long residency at the Theatre Royal in Barrow in Furness and hopefully things will develop from there. At the end of the day it all came down to that old fookin' evil money...and chuffin' lack of it, no one is to blame really but it turns out that my accountant Mr.Lipton Yeast-Smythe had not been depositing my tax contrubutions for the last 12 months causing a few slight financial problems so now it seems that old Lesley is at the mercy of the tax-man, the fookin' bastid!!! as I was funding 85% of the production from my own wallet then obviously a problem has arisen. I'll see that old twot Yeast-Smythe goes down for this the old fooker!!!! needless to say this is a worrying and stressful time for me but my legal brief Mr.Uttoxeter Arbroath assures me that this little oversight can be rectified in time and hopefully I won't end up doing time and even worse lose my beloved and cherished 5 bedroom mock tudor mini-mansion that I adore so much, chuffin' ell -what a palaver'!

Anyway massive financial worries aside the show will go on and who knows after a successful week in Barrow in Furness maybe Bill Kenwright or old Lloyd-Webber himself may step in and save the day, stranger things have happened at sea and I did after all give private Cha cha cha lesson's to Bill's wife back in the late 70's so who can tell - if your reading this son then go on you owe me one big lad!!

Sitting on my £1,500 bespoke chaise-lounge yesterday evening I began to ponder over that fateful old conundrum fate......what might have happened if things had been different. If I had only met my 1st wife Glenda a few years earlier then who knows? there may be a few young Lester Juniors gracing the ballrooms of Brtitain today. If Mater hadn't have been taken away from me so brutally then she too may be here in my 5 bedroom mini-mansion sharing my massive ballroom success, innocent joy and the intense love of pork that I enjoy today.

As I lay there stretched out balancing a piping hot bowl of Pigs organ soup on my lap (you must try this sumptious and delicious broth, I first came across it back in 1985 on one of Selwyn Corbetts annual jollies out to Thailand to find himself a young Thai "Boy" Bride - the frisky, twisted chuffer!! - as you kow I'm a man of the world and as broadminded and liberal as they come but I'm not sure about the old Bangkok lady boys.....? look like a girl, but a bit manly too? oooh it's not fookin' for me I tell you! - anyway back to the pigs organ soup, it is basically the finest pig intestines, hog's blood, tender pork slices, strips of salted vegetables and some Chinese lettuce lightly simmered with some sliced red chilli in dark soy sauce....eeeh it's fookin' heaven I tell you. As I said earlier we discovered it in some cockroach infested back street market whilst good ol' Selwyn was trawling the streets of Bangkok to find himself a nice young lady boy!!) anyway I digress - but the union of regret and fate certainly is a fickle fookin' conundrum!?!!?!?? - as I sat lieing there watching a repeat of my 1967 British championship pairs win from Blackpool I really did consider that age old puzzle of fookin' fate and regret!! but it's very late now and ol' twinkle toes must get his head down for some shut eye, till the next time dance fans!!!